I want to self harm again :/

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I haven't properly self harmed (ie cut) for quite a few months but I feel the urge growing more and more, especially since I have been working on not binge eating. I just hate myself and my body so much so it feels like I deserve to be hurt and the fact I'm selfish enough to consider this just makes me feel like that more.

I get nervous though because I already have quite visible scars and I wonder what people will say. Also, I know once I give in on one side of myself, I will do so again to make it look even on both sides. My body already sucks and I'm just making it worse. This is so stupid and I hate it so much.

Also trying to DIY eating disorder recovery is hard. I just hate eating now, it makes m so anxious but I have to do it. It feels like constantly being tempted to binge but not being able to and now I always think of food and feel sad and empty.

There was a time when I saw younger I was so busy with school and after-school activities that I would forget or not have time to eat. You gotta keep yourself busy with other things, sometimes that means needing to have pressure of time. Competition environment was good for that.

In college I was refusing to eat on campus due to the selection of food and social situations, so if I was there all day meant I wasn't eating all day. And I was mostly okay with that. Perhaps putting yourself in an environment where you won't eat is a valid strategy.

I often do. I was very close to disabling my good hand last week when I did something I felt deserved such a thing (it didn't). I managed to stop myself by thinking how it'd make someone here with me feel (it'd just worsen everything). A few years ago I disabled my other hand due to a similar thing (the doctors knew but they were cool and didn't call psychiatric). Kinda broken here, and people probably won't understand, and it'll likely make me look like some type of weirdo and they'd run away from me because why wouldn't they (shows the depth of the baggage). Sometimes, there's not much else that can stop the thoughts, and that's why I do it: to distract from emotional pain with physical pain. I feel too much.

I seem to be stopping myself, so I must be doing something right. I have the usual scars over my arms and body, along with those caused by others.

I had an eating disorder as a late teen, as I hated myself, and I still do. I kinda got over that one when I realized how weak it made me, as I'd rather be able to protect myself (yeah, baggage).