Hard not to feel like a loser

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Sarahsmith
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22 Feb 2022, 9:30 pm

Because I’ve destroyed my health. It’s embarrassing. And I’m poor. What the hell was I thinking. I didn’t have that luxury. I can’t drink or eat the foods I once loved. Mom drove me nuts. The mental health system got hold of me. They made me better for a while, then I got worse than I did in the first place, all the while I was seeing them. I suppose I should learn to count my blessings though. It’s hard. I dwell on the negative and worry so much. So many people in town are pushing me to go on medication because that will magically fix everything wrong in my life. If it’s my life that’s screwed up how is a drug supposed to fix it. I wish everyone would stop pressuring me to take medication. I’d rather be crazy. I’d rather be different. I’d move if my physical health were better. I’d do a lot of things if it were better. All I do now is the very basics to get by. And people are too damn judgemental.



kraftiekortie
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22 Feb 2022, 9:37 pm

I hope you don’t still hang out with that old guy.



LordMikey
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22 Feb 2022, 9:54 pm

My experience is that once your community finds out that you have a serious mental health issue, people can't feel safe around you anymore until they know you're on meds. I'm not trying to support their belief that you should take medication, but you should know that people will feel safer around you if they know you see a head doctor. The doctor might agree with you that medication isn't right for you, in which case you can cross your arms at the medication-pushers and tell them your doctor said you don't need pills. Going to a head doctor will help your reputation at this point, since people already think you need one. You have to start with a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, though -- the psychologist may or may not refer you to a psychiatrist.

BTW: That feeling of being a loser might disappear if you get (and bond with) a psychiatric service dog. Being bonded with an animal lets you get the oxytocin you need without having to deal with a human relationship, which means you will feel less lonely and desperate for human friends.

I hope that helps! :)


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~Lord Mikey~

P.S. I am a college educated adult living in the State of Oregon, USA.

I am not qualified to give advice of a medical or psychiatric nature.

THANK YOU!


Sarahsmith
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22 Feb 2022, 10:50 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I hope you don’t still hang out with that old guy.


I visited them today. He has a younger friend. My mind keeps telling me something isn’t right about it. But she knows where I live and said she was coming over. She didn’t even ask if it was okay first. My aunt said I shouldn’t if my gut says no. I just get so lonely that sometimes I visit them. But yeah I should just avoid her I guess.



Sarahsmith
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22 Feb 2022, 10:59 pm

A service dog would be an awesome idea but I’d have to feed him and I can’t do that if I’m dead. But at least there’s the nicest dog in the world at the soup kitchen I go to sometimes. I hug him lots when I go there. I often joke that I’d like to steal him for my own.



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2022, 12:09 am

But why do you feel you will die?



Sarahsmith
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23 Feb 2022, 7:08 am

I self harmed and did a lot of damage to my body. And now I feel stupid because of it. I have a doctors appointment coming up. The last time I was in to see them they didn’t seem optimistic about the state of my body. And I know they won’t this time. I hate how others make me feel stupid where I live, for hurting myself. It’s like, I’m dying. They could at least be kind. Feel like deleting my Facebook account.



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2022, 7:13 am

People have a way of recovering from serious injuries of all sorts—especially if they are relatively young.

My mother is under a sort of delusion; this might be why she is actually near death. She might have given up. She is 87 years old.

You have a long way to go. There’s still time for a good life.



Sarahsmith
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23 Feb 2022, 8:34 am

Lol. Kraftie my man... I did a lot of damage to my heart by stuffing down rage and terror and breathing wrong for like half a year. I wasn’t listening or paying attention to my body. Toddlers are smarter than me. I’m so stupid that I did something like this 5 years ago, only for longer. So my body is numb. I can still breathe alright but can’t do much physical exertion or eat fatty foods or smoke pot or drink alcohol or coffee or have sex. It sucks.

I see you’re an early riser too Kraftie. Good morning New York.



Sarahsmith
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23 Feb 2022, 8:41 am

I guess the reason I did it is I became too overwhelmed with life. I felt like a cornered animal. Cornered animals that have been held captive either lash out or die from shock. So that’s what happened to me. I’ve always been a dumb sheltered country girl. Then I moved to a large town where I wasn’t used to the crime rate and stress and competitive nature of people in a place like this. I couldn’t handle it. At least I tried going to the hospital and mental health for help. But it would have worked better if I snapped out of it and grew up and dealt with the cards that were laid before me.



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2022, 9:11 am

Did you actually milk cows when you were younger?



Sarahsmith
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23 Feb 2022, 9:18 am

Lol no. I guess I’m not that much of a country girl. But I’ve seen it done on video. I’ve visited farms before so if I ever did see it for real it was so long ago and I forgot. I saw a documentary on how corrupt the dairy industry is and it made me not want to eat cheese or drink milk for almost a year. 8O



Sarahsmith
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23 Feb 2022, 9:19 am

Lol Kraftie I’m not Amish but yes I’ve visited farms. I’m more interested in the haunted houses in Nova Scotia. The folk lore and ghosts and that type of thing.



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2022, 9:31 am

I know that! Of course!

But there seems to be nice farms in your neck of the woods.

Sorry about the miserable weather where you are.

I hope you are feeling a little better today.



Sarahsmith
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23 Feb 2022, 11:06 am

It’s actually quite nice out for Nova Scotia weather trust me. It’s overcast yes, but warm enough to only go with a sweater today. But if you’re healthy and don’t get cold easy you could even wear a T shirt. It feels like spring. Warmest place on average in Canada.



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2022, 11:31 am

Sorry. I thought you folks are getting rain, then snow later. I should have looked more specifically :)