Depressed and Useless

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So much has been going wrong lately. I got in trouble at work for stuff I didn't do but was accused of, and
I am now in danger of losing my job. I don't make enough money to live on my own, and I keep having to borrow money from my parents, so I feel completely useless in that department. And my blood pressure has been at stroke-level for a month now, so I'm spending hundreds of dollars trying to get it under control.

I am 31 with a college degree, and yet I still don't make more than $600 per paycheck unless I work a ton of overtime. I feel as if I wasted my family's money by going to college because nobody wants to hire me, no matter how hard I try.

I don't want to commit suicide, but sometimes I wish that my blood pressure would just kill me so that I would quit being a burden on my parents and on society. If I can't get a decent job at this age, what will it be like when I'm 45 or 50 and my parents are old or dead? Nobody will be able to help me then.

I am so tired of struggling to live. I just want the pain to end.

I don't want to be the one who ends my life, but I DO wish it would end, more often than not. I'm never happy anymore.

One thing -please don't recommend medication or therapy. I am on four antidepressants and I've been to 5 or 6 therapists without success. I just need someone to listen and try to understand.

Definitely stress and frustration there.

As it happens you don't have to worry about me offering you a fix for the situation, I don't even have one for me.

Am in my 50s needing help from my 80 year old parents, totally not the life which I expected to have at this age!

I'm glad you understand. It's absolutely awful to have to live like this...

It's not your fault. The millenial generation has been betrayed and experimented on, we've been toyed with and financially abused by banks and corporations crippling us and making sure we can't afford anything unless we work ourselves to death. It's all design. Don't feel too bad. Try to ween yourself off of those nasty medications (I'm not saying go cold turkey but start taking less till you train your system to not need them anymore). These psychiatrists and "proffessionals" do not know what they are doing. They don't help, they tried to medicate me for years as well but you can't medicate autism, there's nothing wrong with us. It's not a disease nor illness. Medicine is like makeup, makes it temporarily nice but once it wears off you see the bad skin the makeup causes so you use more the next day.

But I understand you're overwhelmed. Many many people feel lost nowadays. A lot are struggling financially and mentally, diagnosis or not.

Worrying is a Motherf***er for autists. Constant alarms going off that contribute to the exhaustion. My mind melts too sometimes, but if you allow yourself a reasuring internal dialogue and meditate on taking it all day by day then you will be able to take it week by week, month by month etc..

You're not made out of glass, you've made it this far and you go to work and tackle this world. That's big.

What helps me cope and chill out at times is pure critical thinking and just realizing and telling myself how incredibly silly everything is and I comfort myself in knowing life is not supposed to be this way and that our experiance is being defiled by other very very weak sometimes deranged) people in powerful positions.

Diet is also SUPER DUPER important and can improve your blood preassure and bowel movements. If you are spending money on crap, stop, and plan finances around good diet. (tea, grains, seeds, nuts, chocholate, banana, poatoes, fruits).

I'm curious what sort of thing happened at work that you got blamed for? If you want to share.

Take care.

I understand how frustrated you are. It's like employers would rather take on immature youngsters who dropped out of high school with no qualifications and a history of drug abuse and teenage pregnancies, than to take on a serious and willing person like yourself with qualifications and college degrees and everything. Pure discrimination. Employers really need to be trained and educated about neurodiversity and to understand that being 'normal' doesn't always mean a brilliant, reliable worker. They can even have crap social skills.

OP, i'm sorry you're going through this $#!+ but know that you are among good company here in similar straits. be careful what you wish for about the HTN because more often than not it won't kill you or even stroke you out but instead [in my case] could blind you. having to get avastin injections in right eyeball for the rest of my life due to uncontrolled HTN. please try harder to get your HTN under control before maiming occurs. being depressed plus maimed is immeasurably worse.

I’m sorry you are feeling so down and discouraged. Hugs. Feel free to talk and be listened to here. Especially in Haven. Most of us have lived or are living through it. So we know what you say is real.

If it's any comfort, you're not alone. This is a bit of a generational thing.. higher educations and lower incomes than our parents. Of course it's amplified by ASD as it's more difficult for people on the spectrum to make the social connections to "level up," our employment and incomes.

I'm curious, what is your degree in? What kind of work do you do currently? What kind of work would you prefer to do? What other interests or skills do you have that you could apply in the workforce? What others skills might you be interested in learning in order to have a higher paid job?

While things aren't ever exactly easy for aspies, there are more opportunities right now for making job changes than ever. A lot of older people retired during covid, and a lot of underpaid people quit their jobs. Almost every industry is hiring like crazy and switching employers is the best time to negotiate a higher starting wage/salary - the biggest raise of most peoples' lives.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.