04 Mar 2022, 10:24 am
That ex friend who cut me off actually responded to me. I was sending the number a vent on how much I hate them and then it went through so I realised I was unblocked... I then felt thi rush of feeling, almost like being insane and vented about how disappointed I was and that he was a coward and a fraction of what had happened (my weight gain of 8 pounds from binge eating, my repeated nightmares and how when I saw people who liked like him I'd panic. I was just so overwhelmed IU felt the need to get it out but I also held a lot back, like how I'd briefly considered ending my life and mutilating myself, because that would be WAY too much and not fair. He then responded saying I victimised myself and was manipulative. Then I apologized and explained that I'd been off my meds and how I was way too intense which was unfair. I then explained that when I said what happened it wasn't just to blame him, but because he had gotten to get all his feelings out before and I hadn't. I then explained that obviously I can't fault someone for my response bc it is based on how I interpret things and my messed up way of thinking. We aren't friends but then he apologised which gave me so much closure.
I'm scared now because I don't want to make people trapped in a friendship with me because of my strong emotions. I am very impulsive and can act clingy but I am trying so hard not to be and I NEVER tell anyone my most extreme thoughts and plans because tbh it is very easy to make me want to end my life and hurt myself. In fact in my gap year I noticed that being isolated from my peers made me WAY more stable, even though it was depressing. I don't get that crazy rush of feeling where I don't even feel real or like myself. I try to help people to make up with it, I used to stay up overnight just trying to make that guy happy and make up for my emotions but it didn't work 
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