You're "gone" as you say, because of all those crazy drugs they had you on? That is why I never got diagnosed- because I was scared "they" would get me on some lame ass drugs and I would no longer be a chess master or able to think in such distinctive ways. I feel for you man, I hope things keep getting better and you can re-find your Self. Read Charles Taylor if you can, he wrote a book about the origins of the Self in our times, where it came from historically, what the other philosophy schools around the Age of Enlightenment thought of the Self etc. It might give you some real perspective to begin to re-explore what your Self really is and where it got off to
Good luck, sir.
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We are Taiyozoku, the Sun Tribe!