How do some Aspies have successful social lives

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There's this guy at work who has a lot of ASD traits, but he seems to have such a big social life with NT people, even though he's not the easiest person to get along with. He lives with his parents even though he's in his 40s and he can't get a girlfriend, yet he has so many friends that he goes out for drinks and outings and on walks with. How does he do it?

Also my cousin should have ASD because her mum has a lot of ASD traits, and usually if the mum has ASD the baby has it too (I mean most parents here on WP have children also on the spectrum). But my cousin has some ASD traits but don't really affect her social functioning. She always seems to have friends, even though she's shy and awkward, lacks general knowledge, can't seem to initiate conversation, can't seem to chat in a group, is often in her own world, and has never been that good at expressing her feelings. I actually have better social skills than that yet I seem to have such a tiny social circle.

Sometimes it makes me feel so depressed whenever I get reminded of it. I suppose she just knows how to throw herself at people without fearing social rejection, where as I come across as aloof because of fear of social rejection. It's all right for her though, she wasn't socially rejected as a teenager like I was. She had friends. I had none, no matter how hard I tried. Not much has changed. Making friends ain't that hard, and if other Aspies/people with ASD traits can do it then why I can't I? What's their secret?

I'm somewhat successful socially, I believe, because I don't get angry at many things. I'm a rather even-keeled person who some people find "boring."

It's obvious that I am "odd." I'm not in the "in-crowd" at work. I'm an outsider. But I don't care.

I don't drink alcohol----ever. And if anybody tries to get me to drink, I just say that "you wouldn't like me drunk!"

People who make more attempts to be outgoing tend to do better socially unless they're extremely argumentative.

Trauma you've experienced is valid and it's fair to point how that has impacted your confidence and yet the former is also true as well. It's not fair that some of us get hurt and never fully heal but forcing yourself to make more attempts is kinda like how after a physical injury one sometimes needs to do physio to exercise the part.

Some folks with ASD are naturally more outgoing, which could be a factor.
Some folks with ASD are less self-aware, so even if they feel anxious it'll come after being social instead of before.
Some folks with ASD haven't been through the same hurts that you have been though, meaning they don't deal with everything you deal with.

Do you hang out with the sort of people who hang out with your coworker or your cousin? Perhaps they've found people who are more accepting of folks with ASD than you've been able to find so far.

I wonder also perhaps if they include people you might not want to be friends with? Over the years you've mentioned a lot of insecurities related to having autism, being seen as autistic, etc and I can see that potentially playing a role although I don't want to assume it must be involved.

This is why some people use intoxicants when social, because they need to become less sensitive to their own insecurities and sources of anxiety before they can even start to engage with others in a friendly manner.

I'm kind of like a ''shy extrovert''. I like people, I'm interested in people, I care about people and I love to chat, but it's getting people to want to be friends back that is the problem. I do go out of my way to chat to people but they don't always go out of their way to chat to me.

Nobody knows I have ASD and my ASD traits aren't that obvious (I just come across as an NT with anxiety). I don't have a problem with other ASD people, in fact the few friends I do/did have are in fact Aspie or other ND, but I lost touch with one of them since the covid pandemic.

I do have a busy social life online/on the phone if that counts?

I don't have as much interest in "people" as I seem to express outwardly.

I like people; I don't have bitter feelings towards them. But I'm not, to any great extent, interested in the "psychology" of humans. I have some interest----but most people have more interest in that than I do.

People fascinate me. I'm always writing about people and I enjoy TV dramas because it's about people interacting and expressing emotions we can all relate to.

I'm not the same in real life as I am online. In real life it's easier to express my emotions because tone of voice and facial expressions can make people understand what you really feel. On WP you've only got words and sometimes I need to really elaborate with intense emotion to get people here to know that I'm seriously stressed about something (the emoticons here don't really illustrate how intensely I'm feeling an emotion, for example this face isn't angry enough and to me just gives off a mild impression of angry).

My mother was inspired to become a psychotherapist because of her interest in the psychology of people.

It's ironic that people here sometimes think I'm a "therapist"---because, in actuality, I wouldn't make a good therapist. I would be better as a "counselor."

A few things I've noticed, by observation, not experience...

If you are attractive, people will at least give you an opening. Also helps to not be too much younger or older than the people you are trying to befriend.

If you have a high-status position people will at least give you an opening.

If you have a genuine smile and an easy but not overbearing laugh, people will tolerate inane s**t that comes out of your mouth.

People want easy conversation. That means you have to be able to fill holes in the conversation, or at least not make them, and you have to not challenge people.

The expression on your face has to match your emotional state. People perceive a mismatch as creepiness, or irritability.

Conversation is about making people feel good about themselves, not about lifting you up. They won't lift you up unless you have something to offer.

For some people, sociability is transactional. Figure out what your awkward friend brings to the table that you do not. And then consider whether it is even desirable to participate in these exchanges.

Mostly, conversation has to be easy. I've never seen an exception. NT people have no tolerance for difficult conversation. If it appears otherwise, there is something you are missing. Probably something transactional. People are not generous more than occasionally.

Also consider that for work functions, even after-work functions with coworkers, there is a greater tolerance for diversity. They may not be anxious to go out with you, or willing to go solo with you at all, but for group events it's generally an open invite. You do kinda need the nod, though. If you express interest, or are part of the conversation where the planning is done, they will generally invite you. I've had some maddening exceptions, though!

I'm not attractive so that probably says it all.

I don't interrupt people mid-sentence, in fact I'm actually a good listener. But I don't always ask the other person questions. I seem to lack confidence with this. I (usually) instinctively know which question to ask about themselves and when but I can't bring myself to ask.


I think I look shy or lacking in confidence, although I don't have any trouble with eye contact. But where I come from it's OK to be shy. Nobody thinks you're a murderer just for being shy, as shyness is a common personality trait. But I still make an effort to speak to people, even if it's just a greet.

This is the one thing that I am very good at. If someone is having a rant I usually listen and understand their point, rather than say "stop complaining". I try to avoid cliches but at the same time I offer sympathy and compliments and it's one of my social strengths.


Normally he just marches into the workplace whining and/or panicking about something, or going into TMI stuff that people don't really need to know, or talking about himself and his obsessive interests. I thought all this drove people away.


This doesn't work with me either. A few years ago I was working with 4 other people who were my age, and although one of them didn't know anyone (she was new) they just took a liking to her, even though she was a chavvy little b***h with mental problems, and they all planned a trip to a theme park - something I would have loved to do (also I've never been out with a group of non-relatives before so it would have been a good social experience for me). There was 4 of them and being so the car fitted 5 people they were looking for a fifth person. I didn't like to just say "can I come??" so instead I just expressed that I loved theme parks. But next thing I heard they were taking someone else - a girl who I knew more than they did, just because one of the guys had a crush on her (even though she's fat and hardly ever smiles and isn't even that attractive).
Then they were all talking about it after at work, and it sounds like their trip was great.
I felt so left out and it still hurts to this day.


No, I'm just an unattractive, nervous wimp who is destined to be unliked. I hate my life.

^ What about your boyfriend??

In my own experience, it's easy to nitpick or second guess your appearance when social connections don't work out. I think this is because we don't pick up on the subtle, non-verbal NT cues. So disconnection seems sudden and surprising, and it's easy to conclude, "It must be how I look--something I did wrong physically." But, that probably isn't the case. And if it is, f**k them. They misread us as much as we misread them. We're just able to admit it.

I have no trouble at all with maintaining a healthy relationship with an NT man - yet making friends forget it.

(I meant your boyfriend regarding you feeling unattractive.)

I suck at this too, not that I seek many friends. I remember vividly not understanding friendship on my first day of kindergarten, and I basically feel the same now . I think Mona Pereth has the right advice in seeking people who share our specific, intense interests.

Conversely, my bigger problem is attracting the wrong friends. I'm like a magnet for people who want to be saved, and are looking for someone to dump their baggage on. This happens a lot to me in workplaces. Hopefully you avoid that.

Well guys find me attractive but women don't. My eyes are so close together and I hate it, I hate my look.


I don't have specific, intense interests though.


I don't even attract the wrong people! I'm so worthless than even troubled girls don't want to use me! I must be like really severely autistic or have severe dementia or something. Would lobotomy help with my social skills?

^Lol...I'm jealous you evade these people. I've perfected the art of loserdom . I'm the Christ of the incapable.

I just want to be neurotypical, I really do. Why isn't there a cure for autism? Why isn't there medication that can help the social part of the brain work better?

Some day, Joe, you will learn, in your mind, that everybody has one "problem" or another.

I know you understand this intellectually----but you really should understand it in your heart.

People will look at you in the street----for every reason under the sun. Not all of this curiosity is a negative reflection on you.