This is why I hate people knowing I have ASD

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Warning - long post, sorry.

People that know you are on the spectrum seem to associate everything you do with an autism symptom even if it's normal (neurotypical) behaviour.

For example, what is the normal way you're supposed to grieve? When my mum was really ill, I couldn't accept it and all I felt was frustration because I couldn't be there with her during the pandemic, and I also felt sad because I didn't like her suffering and I felt she didn't deserve such a cruel illness. I went in and out of depression but I phoned her every day and told her that I love her, and I listened sympathetically as she got things off her chest and I was very empathetic about it too.
When she passed away, I was expecting it, so I suppose my brain had prepared for it. I had 2 weeks off work and I felt strange but numb. My other close relatives said they felt the same too, and everyone seemed quite cheerful when we all got together even though we were all grieving the same.
Then in time I had to get back to work and on with my life, just like the rest of my family had to. I spoke to people about my feelings but I tried not to show my feelings (as in I wanted to stay positive at work). All my other relatives said they felt the same at work.
I phoned my close relatives a lot (sister, aunts, cousins) on the phone, which has also made me feel better. But I've known a lot of people who have lost someone close to them but they always seem cheerful when I see them but probably cry when they're alone, just like I do.

But one of my mum's friends who knows I'm on the spectrum, spoke to my aunt, and my aunt said that the friend asked how I was coping, and my aunt said I'm doing OK, much better than she thought I would - which is a good thing. But then the friend said "Joe90 thinks in black and white, she understands that there's nothing she can do to bring her mother back so that's why she's coping so well".

Ugh, an autism trait has to be mentioned, doesn't it. It's like if I haven't been sent to a mental hospital with a severe mental breakdown then it means I'm dealing with it "differently from others". If I'm not crying every minute of the day and haven't given up my job, then I'm "an emotionless robot" - even though I'm actually emotionally no different to my NT relatives in regard to grieving. They feel the same as me, they have 2 options; cry all day every day and commit themselves to a mental ward, or put on a smile and carry on with their lives (work, friends, kids, etc). And they've all chosen the latter, just like me, for the same reasons as me. But at the same time we all miss my mum and we talk to each other about how we feel and the memories we have of her. I do have bouts of crying, and I talk to my boyfriend a lot about my mum, and she is safe in my many memories. But I know she wouldn't want me to give up the job I love. She always wanted me to be happy, and I want her to be happy for me even in death.

Do you see what I mean? My ASD always has to be pointed out. When people don't know, like at work, I feel that people see me as me, not the diagnosis.

You know you can tell whoever you want to tell. It’s your right.

I don’t go around telling people about my diagnosis.

That was a really thoughtful, beautiful post. I could relate a lot, from some of my own experiences.

This is also why I kept my family, my parents most especially, as out of it as far as possible. I prefer them to mind their own business because none of them gets it.

Even with explanations -- why bother explaining if they already have conclusions.

I'm lucky that my parents respected my independence above else. That I need not to explain further.
And that people understand that I'm more than just a bunch of so called traits.

Weird, not fitting in, immature, sensitively intolerant, picky, naive and childish even -- fine.
It's another to say being forgetful or apathethic or even as far as mistaking me for mute or deaf -- sometimes that's better.
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But declaring that I think in black and white, telling people I don't have empathy or do not feel a thing -- assumptious of my inner world, my inner state, my inner workings, my knowledge, the awareness, my own comprehension and the core of who I'm past the behaviors -- is very pretentiously ignorant of anyone.


Anyways.
If one assumes I was "coping well" with my own mother's death, I'd punch that fool on the face to make a point.

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It's one of the downsides of being diagnosed in childhood. As an adult, if you get diagnosed you can usually choose whether you want to disclose it to others or not. But when you're an 8-year-old like I was, I had no control over who my parents told, because I didn't think to tell them not to disclose to everyone at the time, and also I was only a small child. So everyone and their dog knew sooner or later. Then my cousins were told too, who were all young children at the time, and they didn't quite understand but luckily just saw me as me. But the adults saw me as a pile of symptoms and kept spouting out the ugly word "Asperger's syndrome" in front of me, and the ugliness of the word always made me cringe. It still does now. I can write it but I can't bear to hear people say it.

But anyway, back to the grieving thing, maybe I'm just strong, even though I don't seem strong because I worry too much about stupid things. But that might just be stupidity, not weakness. I don't know.

We all grieve how we do, and yeah, assumptions shouldn’t be made, regardless of the situation. I’d rather be seen as my personality and not a pile symptoms too, which is why I don’t mention labels unless it’s needed.

I’ll be mental hospital ready when my mother buys it, but the problem is I can’t do such due to...personal reasons. So, I guess I have to channel the tough guy I made to hide behind. She’s the only person that’s been nice to me for such a long time out in that mostly peaceful world, so the attachment is quite strong. Oh well. I thought I would have gone last year for other stuff but I didn’t, because I was needed to care for her, so maybe I’ll be alright.

It's lovely where I work because nobody knows I have Asperger's. Some know I have ADHD, as I told some, but they still don't tie ADHD in with everything I do or feel. But with Asperger's and autism people seem to think it's more serious like you're broken or disabled and need to be treated differently.