Is this abuse?

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I've been thinking a lot about how my mother treated me growing up. I often felt alone, unsupported and emotionally neglected but I don't know if what I've been through would be considered abuse? I wrote down a bunch of memories about my mom today (including a very recent one) and would like to hear thoughts on if this is normal?

Ace:

So when I was in either middle school or early high school I came to the realization that I was asexual. I came across the subject via an online forum and immediately felt it described my feelings about sexuality. After learning about asexuality I had been researching for several months just to be sure.

Then, one day when me and my mom were driving home from doing groceries I decided to bring up the topic with her and “come out”. She had always been accepting about the topic of LGBTQA people so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about when I shared this part of myself with her. Boy was I wrong…

She immediately shut me down saying that asexuality did not exist and anyone claiming to be was abnormal. She went on to (aggressively) state that everyone experienced sexual urges and in fact, they even have to “fix” people with severe intellectual disabilities so that they would not act on these strong urges. That last part really hit a nerve with me because I’m also autistic and found her using disabled people for her argument was disgusting.

I felt so ashamed I didn’t bring up the topic of asexuality for three years after that. She did however eventually come around to the idea and seems fine with it now.

Fast forward to three days ago (May 1st 2022), we’re watching tik tok on her iPad and a video of a gay man pops up where he’s talking about how coming out to his parents went badly. My mother then turns to me and says “it’s a good thing you never had that problem with me” To which I paused and then told her that “Actually that isn’t entirely true”. I then re told her the story about my first time coming out to her as Ace and she looked at me like I was crazy and said “I would NEVER EVER say a thing like that to you EVER!” Which I responded with “but… you did though, I remember it well and it seriously effected me for three years. I even remember where we were when you said it”. She then told me I must have dreamt it or misinterpreted what she meant because she would never say that. I told her I knew that it happened and that is was not a misinterpretation. She just kept responding with “NO”… But I stood my ground. She’s been quiet with me for four days now.

The cup:

One time I had my friend over, we were pretty young, maybe around 10 or 11… We were thirsty so I went to the kitchen to get some cups. My mother always had me and my friends or cousins use the plastic cups when we were young in case we dropped them.

She walked into the kitchen and saw me pouring water into the plastic cup for my friend and said to me “use the glass cup”. I was confused and asked why, she told me that the proper thing to do with company is using the glass cups. I responded “but we’ve always used plastic cups, why do we need to use the glass ones all of a sudden, plus I’ve already filled them”. She then raised her hand to hit me but stopped herself when she seen the look on my friends face. She was red in the face, took a breath and with her voice stern said “USE THE GLASS CUPS”.

Easter Bunny:

When I was around 8 or 9 it was the week before Easter and during a car ride home from doing some groceries my mother casually mentioned in a conversation that the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. I looked at her shocked and said “The Easter bunny isn’t real?” She then looked at me and said “OH COME ON!” I just stared at her in disbelief and she continues “of course he isn’t real! Jeez I thought you’d be old enough to know that by now”. I was embarrassed and stayed silent for the rest of the drive.

Easter came around and my cousins were over for a visit when we got into a bit of an argument. Mu cousin who was my age mentioned something about the easter bunny and I responded by mimicking what my mother said to me a week earlier, that the Easter bunny wasn’t real and he should know that by now. My mother had been standing in the doorway and heard everything and instantly grabbed me by the hood of my jacket, pulled me into the the entrance and SLAMMED me against the wooden bench. I hit the back of the bench right in the centre of my spine and I cried out. My mother didn’t care though, she just screamed and berated me for telling my cousin the exact words she told me a week prior. A large bruise developed on my back and it was sore for a couple weeks after.

Useless:

Around middle school age I had developed pretty severe social anxiety. Some of the ways the anxiety manifested was by me not being able to answer the phone or door anymore. I’ve talked to my mother about my anxiety and how answering the door had become very difficult for me but I don’t think she really understood the extent of it since she replied with “ Well I hate answering the phone and door too but I still have to do it”. There were various times that I would avoid answering the phone by pretending to go to the bathroom or something but she started to catch on and berated me for it. One day our neighbour came to the door and we were both still in our pyjamas. She asked me to answer it for her and I felt that dreaded wave of intense anxiety. I walked over to the top of the steps at the entrance but I couldn’t bring myself to move further, I just froze. She noticed and stormed passed me pushing me out of the way angrily saying “You’re always going to be useless if you can’t even answer the f*****g door!”. My anxiety got much worse after that day.

Sore throat:

Around Christmas time when I was around 9 or 10 I was sitting with my mother watching tv one morning. I told her I had a sore throat and felt like I was coming down with something (my voice was hoarse and sounded like I’d like I’d lose it soon). She got out of bed and walked out of her room into the hallway where I could not see her. She asked from the hallway if I just wanted her to make some boiled eggs for breakfast since I wasn’t feeling well and I went to respond “Sure!” but nothing came out due to my voice being hoarse. I cleared my throat and was about to try again when I heard my moth scream at the top of her lungs “f**k!”. It startled me and I could hear her bang her fists hard on the counter top as she continued to scream profanities. I was to confused and frightened I just stayed there in her room as she yelled and screamed. This is one of the first memories I have of disassociating. Most of her rampage after that was a blur but I recall her periodically slamming things and at one point her shouting “I WORK LIKE A f*****g DOG!”. I was so afraid I couldn’t move. My muscles were so tense and my heart was so fast all I could do was sit there and listen to her just outside the room. I don’t remember what happened next or how long her rage went on for (it felt like it went on forever) but I know I eventually ended up in my room. I sat behind my door all day. I couldn’t even bring myself to cry I was so shaken by what happened. She’s always had a temper and screamed loudly at me when she was angry but this episode seemed to come out of nowhere. I know that me not responding to her right away was what caused her anger but I didn’t understand WHY she was SO angry over something so seemingly small. Especially since I had told her I had a sore throat that morning. For years after that incident, I feared having ear buds or headphones on when she’s home because I’m afraid of her going off again if I don’t hear her ask me something from the other room, and don’t respond right away. Even when my friend would come over, if I heard my mother moving around the house I’d stop talking to my friend so I could listen in case she shouted something. My friend always thought I was strange for doing that.

Graduation:

When I finished high school I knew immediately that I would not be going to my own graduation. My anxiety at this point has gotten so bad that I knew I could not be on stage for hours watched by hundreds of people while those bright stage lights shone in my eyes. I also have autism and knew that the sensory overload would have been far too much for me to handle. So I decided to stay home that knight. I made myself some snacks and decided to enjoy my evening with a movie. I felt I deserved that since I graduated top of the class with straight As and even won the government academic award. My mother knew about my plans since I told her that was my intent over a year before graduation. Throughout the year she never said she disagreed with my decision. When I told her I wasn’t going to attend she said that was ok, it was my choice. I did get the grad photos taken though so she would have something to show people, but she knew I was not going to attend the ceremony. So, come the knight of the ceremony I decided to say goodnight to my mother before retiring to my room to watch my movie. She was in her room on her IPad looking at all the graduation photos her Facebook friends were posting of their kids. She started showing them to me and talked about what a shame it was I wouldn’t experience that. I was confused, I said “I’m completely fine with not having that experience since it wouldn’t have been a good one for me anyways” and then she called me selfish and started telling me that sometimes we have to do things that are difficult for us. She said I owed it to the school and my professors to be there to receive my diploma and awards. I was dumbfounded… she had over a year to voice these concerns with me and she waited until the night of my graduation to tell me these things! When it was too late to do anything about it! She continued to berate me for a while before finally letting me go to my room. She ruined my whole graduation knight… I couldn’t focus on my movie after that because I felt guilty and ashamed so I just went to bed early… years later I still don’t regret not going to graduation but I’ll always remember her hurtful words.

College failure:

The first program I took in college was the veterinary technician program. It was a super heavy course load and we also had to do kennel duty between classes. There was barely time to study and I found myself struggling greatly in my maths course. I have a diagnosed learning disability in math and the college didn’t have adequate help for students with disabilities. I did great in all other classes but did end up failing my math course, so I decided to do an upgrading program at the college throughout the summer in order to get my math skills up. Unfortunately between that summer program and the next semester my mother separated from my father (for the second time) and my father decided he wasn’t going to speak to me anymore. I was pretty depressed going into the new school year. By the end of the semester I failed my final math exam once again again. I felt burnt out and just couldn’t focus properly. My mother spoke to someone at the school and said I could re take the math exam once if I wanted to. I was so burnt out after a whole summer of doing the math program and coming back just to fail again that I told her I just couldn’t do it. I can’t say I didn’t try but I need to learn my limits and right now I just can’t do it. She got so angry she shouted at my face “SCREW YOU!! !” I started to disassociate during her rant but at the end she yelled “IF YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO TRY YOU CAN LIVE OUT ON THE STREET FOR ALL I CARE!”. I was just so tired and depressed… and then scared of where I was going to go… Where I was going to live… My father wasn’t talking to me so I literally had no where else to stay. She eventually told me days later that I could still live there. That was the lowest I had ever felt in my life. It was the first time I thought it would be better if I didn’t exist anymore. A year later I joined the forestry program instead, got all As and then did a specialized course in wildlife to further my education even more. My father sill has not spoken to me years later.

There's a lot more I have not covered here but this is all I can think of at the moment. thank you so much for taking the time to read <3

Probably, but yeah some of that unfortunately reminds me of some interactions with my mom. But yeah she wasn't always acting scary and confusing but she did sometimes.

I mean nowdays I'd say we have a decent relationship, though I still feel bothered about things she did when I was a kid. I just cannot say she was never abusive, but I don't feel like I like grew up in an abusive home like where my parents were a constant threat to my safety which some people have grown up with. Seems more they did try 'their best' but it wasn't always right and they both actually got physical abuse from their parents. My dad didn't even go to his dads funeral because what he explained to me is his dad beat him(of course worse than spankings because me and my siblings still got those) and at one point he got sick of it and fought back so that stopped but his dad has still kinda always been a bit sh*tty to him so he didn't give a crap when he died. And my mom told me and my siblings basically horror stories of how her mom punished her and her siblings. Like wire coat hanger spankings and locking her brother in the closet till he ate a pack of cigarettes because he got caught smoking. So they did not have good parenting role models and yeah they did not do such extreme things to us...but there were still a lot of problems growing up. I mean in a way I think them staying together when they didn't get along and not getting a divorce till I was a teen is kind of abusive because of all the nights I laid awake listening to them fight.

But anyways the things you describe could be considered abusive for sure.

@Sweetleaf Yeah I feel very similar to you in that I don’t feel like I grow up in an abusive home but there are definitely some things that stuck out to me as not ok now that I’m older. I think most of what I dealt with was emotional abuse mainly from my mother. My father always avoided me prior to leaving so I’d say that was just neglect on his end. But yeah my mother had a very abusive mom too and also told me all kinds of horror stories about her. Like, none of my grandmothers six kids speak to her anymore so I know it was pretty bad. I’m sure that’s where my mothers bad tendencies come from. Not sure about dad since he never spoke to me about anything besides work if we were sat down for dinner. My parents initially split when I was 8 years old and a lot of the bad behaviour from my mom happened after that (I’m sure stress from being split up had a lot to do with it). Then, five years later they were back together, only to break up again after about another five years. They fought a lot too. I recall before the first time they split I would lie awake scared so I’d get up, turn on the tv in my playroom and turn the volume up as high as I could tolerate it just to drown out the arguing.

Whenever I talk about these things with people they look surprised or bewildered so I’ve been thinking maybe my childhood wasn’t as normal as I’d thought… I’m super grateful for you sharing your story though, it sounds like we had some things in common. Thank you!

@Sweet leaf yes that’s exactly it! My mother was like that too where she’d say I could talk to her about anything, but her actions did not match her words. I’d also notice how my friends seemed so close to their parents and genuinely enjoyed spending time together. Most of the time I’d try to spend time with my mom as a kid I’d be told to leave her alone or to shut up so she could hear her tv. I found myself isolating myself more and more in my room. We’re a bit closer today I suppose, but the longer I spend time with her the more an argument is likely to happen for whatever reason.