Tough time

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I'm have a tough time with memories and flashbacks and I can't shake it. The thing is that I realized last week that the reason my father attacked me constantly when I was a teenager was that my brother was a tattle-tale.

Pa was a violent drunk. He'd come home about 2am and slam open my bedroom door while he snapped on the overhead light and yelled "Get out of that bed!" (I think he learned all these behaviours in the army.) And then he would line us 3 kids up in the kitchen and yell for a couple of hours. At some point, he'd send my kid sister back to bed, sometimes my brother, but he went on and on at me. He was enraged at me - even more than his usual rage. He'd say, "Don't think I don't know!" and I thought, "Know what?" And he'd yell, "Get that look off your face!" and I didn't have a look on my face so he'd yell it again, and then he'd take a rush at me which was terrifying, but he didn't hit me.

When I was 6yo, he hit me so hard that he knocked me out and I came to blind and paralyzed, although my hearing worked. After that Mom had a deal with him, no hitting the kids but he can do whatever else he wants. Well it kept us alive.

But now I keep flashing back to the kitchen in 1965, I can see my righteous brother standing at attention - not scared at all. Pa used to pick on my brother, but then Pa switched to me. Mom said that Pa would pick on each kid for about 2 years, so it wouldn't last forever. But the reason that Pa switched to me was that Bro was telling him everything I said about Pa. And did I discuss Pa often? Only when Bro asked me. He created situations where he could have something to tattle with. Bro used to say, "You should have some respect for him, he's your father." Bro needed a father. Why should I respect a reeling drunk? And stupid aspie me, telling the truth to Bro.

Those night were the ruination of me. I might have survived without that but the fear and sleep-deprivation and anxiety levels through the roof and hiding in closets -

re aspie scapegoating - if you talk to Bro, he'll tell you it's all my fault. There is very little on this earth that Bro doesn't think is all my fault.

I always knew Bro hated me, but didn't know that he created my destruction that summer. Until I remembered him standing there unafraid, removed from the terror, looking like all is right with his world.

I keep flashing back to that, it's intrusive, won't go away, it's been weeks now, it's making me sick.

Help?

Damn. It sounds like you might need to talk to your brother to resolve the issue, or at least let him know how you feel about these things. But I think you might be better off talking to a therapist, someone trained to help you deal with an issue like this.

Buried problems/memories do have a way of suddenly rearing their ugly heads, demanding to be resolved. It's better for your health in the long run to deal with it. You should find someone you trust to talk to about it.

I wish I could help. Take care.

I am sorry you you suffered such abuse,I had similar experiences as a child/teenager.
What can you do about it now?Maybe read Raj Persaud`s books they helped me self heal. http://www.rajpersaud.com/

WOW! I'm so sorry that you had a hellish child-hood. But since that's the past, you don't have to deal with any of those people anymore. Your father should have went to jail for beating you up like that. All my father did was raise his voice and scared the hell out of me for years and rarely understood me. But my father still cares about me and I feel that he's more nicer to me. You should give your dad a phone call and tell him all the pain that you got from him. Same with your brother and mother. They deserve a listen. If they don't care, they don't deserve to stay in contact with you. But look at the bright side, you got a digital family here at WrongPlanet where we can understand you.

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Thank You and have a nice day,

_Eric

My parents were very abusive as well. I am pretty sure they would have been officially classified as 'nuts', but in those days, as my mother used to say (she'd dead now, thank goodness) "Kids have no rights!"

Whenever I hear someone talking horribly to a weaker person, I 'hear' someone in their past saying those same words to them.

This doesn't make it any less serious, of what your dad did to you, of course...but I bet he had those exact same words (and things) done to him.
I can't believe some little kid grows up, and they just 'imagine' these terrible things to do, and say. When my mother was doing and saying terrible, unbelievable things to me...I would go way inside myself, and think about who did those things to her, and did she know that this was why she was doing it to me.

I really think he learned those behaviours in the military, during WWII. Even if he was abused, he still bears responsibility for his actions. But it's not about him, it's about my brother, who set me up.

sounds familiar... i have a twin that was a fantastic tattle tale. My dad was also in the military and tended to be a great screamer at that. I never was beaten, but sometimes i had wished he would have beaten me instead of saying hurtful things. My sister was in his good graces nine times out of ten and her favorite thing was to tell him all about anything i did. When she couldnt find anything, she made it up. She even went so far to carve MY name into a windowsill and then show my father. He didnt think she was clever enough to pull that kind of stuff, so of course it was my fault. I understand that at the time she hated me and for some reason felt threatened by me, as your brother may have felt way back when.
Sometimes with an abusive parent, one child will sacrifice their sibling to remain in the abuser's good graces. I have long forgotten to ask her for an apology for her actions, because i know its something i will never hear. Its her problem now, and her mental state that she has to deal and live with, as your brother's. Just remember, at that time he was probably functioning in a state of survival.