Once again I cannot sleep as my mind is flooded with anxious and depressing thoughts buzzing like a nest of hornets, although I am uncertain if I will post this or not I wanted to write stuff down. It has been several years since I have made any posts here but at the moment it just feels like what I need to do. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (now ASD) when I was 6 and recently found out that I am also suffering from PTSD from childhood trauma (according to my therapist). It never really clicks how messed up your childhood was until you see a 3rd parties reaction to it. Thankfully it wasn't my family (for the most part) that traumatized me, but it has left lasting issues regarding trust around people I do not know. People terrify me, I get so scared leaving the house for any reason I throw up from the anxiety alone. I have had nightmares and sleep paralysis for years and only recently has it made sense to me why all this happens.
I have started therapy and have been trying repair the damage that has been done, but I have recently been hitting quite a few road blocks mentally. I have a terrible habit of looking at social media/news, which although I want to stay informed as to what is happening, it only serves to make things worse. It seems the older I get the less I trust people and the less I feel willing to fight for normalcy. I battle with my anxiety and my depression every day regardless of daily news and internet drama, but I know exposing myself to that makes it worse. I feel like this year in particular is hitting me hard and fast and I am struggling to cope with it. I have had a long and strong fear of death for most of my life and yet more and more lately it seems that I just don't care anymore. I have felt more afraid this year than I remember in the past decade and it just doesn't seem to go away. I am so tired of fighting, so tired of being afraid, and so tired of thinking.
I don't want to commit suicide, I do not desire to end my own life. I have a loving family thankfully, and we support each other. Part of my therapy is thinking small, work on thinking about my surroundings and less on the country or world problems. For some reason I find this difficult, I have this dread that the world's problems are right outside my door step and at any moment everything I know and love will come crumbling down to rubble. Threats of civil war, nuclear war, mass shootings, another pandemic, it all just mortifies me. I don't feel safe leaving the house and I worry every time anyone in my family has to go out. I know I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, and heck even my town is relatively nice and safe, but it is so hard to convince my lizard brain to turn off survival mode. Even my dreams have been plagued with nightmares about losing loved ones or being in a mass shooting. Lately it has gotten to the point where I just don't want to sleep, and I get migraines.
All of these things I should just bring up in therapy I know. I find it hard to talk I feel ashamed, like I might get in trouble for saying stuff like this. I know it is just my fears telling me this and that it isn't something I should worry about but it is paralyzing. I freeze trying to articulate how I am feeling and I have to remember how to speak and what to say. Maybe I should just print this post out and bring it to therapy, but even then I don't know if I could. I would break out in tears just out of fear alone and I know it is a foolish thing to think about. What reason do I have to be afraid to tell my therapist? They are there to help me with these things. I know if I don't say anything I won't be able to get help for it, but I guess I am just too afraid of being judged, and betrayed. I am ashamed that I let fear get the better of me. Ashamed that I am to scared to truly let the people I care about know how I feel. I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I have the strength or courage to do it so I can get the help I need.
08 Jun 2022, 1:21 am
