I hate my anxiety around guys

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A new guy has come to my job who is a lot younger than the others (ie. isn't doing a PHD or has a full on family) and I was trying not to vomit when he was speaking to me due to sheer anxiety.

I can't stand being around younger guys, it makes me too anxious. I realised recently that the core of my eating disorder surrounds men as I view being attractive to them as being in danger and so will gorge until I destroy my body so they won't look at me. It makes me feel safe and the pain of being undesirable at least is safe pain. I keep thinking about cutting my face and the thoughts have gotten worse since my cat scratched my face by accident. I'm trying to make myself unattractive in a less permanent way ie makeup that makes me look tired and clothes.

Anyway, he was actually talking to me and was being friendly which was freaking me out, especially when he asked me about myself. I just wanted to run away to be honest and stay safe. It's just like with my other single male colleague who I hate being around. He's nice but the fact he is single makes me view him as a threat. I don't think anyone there will be attracted to me lol but even the 1% chance makes me terrified to the point I start gagging if they get close to me.

The other annoying thing is my brain likes to gaslight me to convince me I'm secretly attracted to every male in my age bracket to ever exist. Also the intrusive thoughts are the worse and they make their way into my nightmares. I'm hoping my anxiety around him fades and that he pays more attention to my other female colleague and ignores me.

I hate that my brain is like this lol. It definitely isn't fair but there it is. Deep down I want to be pretty but to me that leads to danger so for now I'll settle for trying to be sickly.

Oh my. That sounds so stressful and frustrating.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now.

Do you recall when you first felt this way around men who find you attractive? You don't have to tell us if it makes you uncomfortable.

Yes, I agree, make-up and clothes to alter your appearance in a way that makes you more comfortable is a far better solution than doing anything permanent that you may later regret.

Are you seeing a good therapist to discuss these feelings you're experiencing?

Do continue chatting to us here whenever you need support.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with her. Hopefully, you will have someone more experienced to help you. Will you be put on a waiting list, or have they already allocated a new therapist to you?

I'm so sorry about what happened with your Father. It understandably had a huge impact on your life.

How are you feeling today?