Backstory: Not quite sure why it manifested like this but after my dad lied about my half sister being my cousin and I found out, I have dealt with trauma around anything to do with relationships. I already had a problem with binge eating and this only got worse as this fear has increased. I realised today that I went over 100kg due to my binge eating getting worse and worse as I saw people around me entering relationships and I became more afraid of people looking at me. I'm back down to 96 now and trying to go back to 82kg (where I was at the end of last year) even though that's still overweight for me.
This time, I've focussed on hacking my brain, as opposed to trying to be like everyone else. Since I'm depressed, I shortcut healthy meals: I buy fully cooked fish or eggs and have that with microwave steam veggies, fruit or yoghurt. I don't even care if it's a meal that makes sense, I just need to make sure I am healthy. My weirdest meal was ready made salmon, and unsweetened porridge with tomatoes on it. I got one of those ready made soy sauce based sauces today and am going to marinate a bunch of boiled eggs in it and have them with rice and maybe cover the rice in seeds. Who knows, might have some ovaltine with that. Since being healthy in a low energy way I've seen some change and I go to a ballet class once a week and try to practice for at least ten minutes a day.
Still I'm terrified because this weight loss makes me feel in danger of being seen as attractive (i want a relationship in the future but irl am too traumatised so even the idea of someone being attracted to me gives me panic attacks). The reason my weight spiked uo is because I stopped cutting, which was my way to keep myself "safe" because if someone saw them, they would keep distance from me. But that's not ideal. I was thinking of removing my eyebrows to look weird but then I'd think people were staring at me. I already wear the most oversized clothes and that doesn't help. Not sure how I can keep my feeling of safety so I don't binge eat.
Also, I can't get therapy at the moment. My last therapist ended our sessions because my case is too complicated and she doesn't think she can help me. My GP also said my case is now extra complicated because of my recent ADHD diagnosis. I need multiple types of mental health which I can't afford myself. In fact that is one of the many reasons I want to self harm. When you cut they want to see you faster. Obviously that is not my only reason, I also hate myself and feel I deserve that to be shown physically forever, but the fact that it gets me help faster is not lost on me.
I just wish I could be a normal weight. I'm humiliated that everyone around me has seen me go back and forth by about 20kg. I'm getting health problems with it now too. My skin rubs together and starts bleeding/becoming sore (although I have weirdly thin skin covered in sensitive stretch marks). I keep getting rashes although that might be linked to the fact I haven't showered in 2-3 months. Revolting. I've started having skin bleed too :/ and have scabby parts of me now.
27 Jun 2022, 6:05 pm
