My Friend's Wedding

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My supposed best friend from high school got engaged and is getting married. When we were in community college together, she promised me that when she got married, I would be invited to her wedding. At that time, she was dating this guy who was no good for her. He tried to get her to vape and try pot and other hallucinogenic drugs for recreation. He didn't like me and tried to pick on me almost every day for roughly a week until someone else called security on him. Still, my friend stuck up for me. She told him that I would be at their wedding whether he liked it or not. She also told him that he needed to leave me alone. Shortly after I graduated, they broke up.

Fast forward roughly 7 years and here we are. She is dating this amazing guy who I have never met before. I keep asking her to hang out once in awhile and she keeps making excuses saying that she can't walk in the heat, she doesn't have time to go out because she's always busy with work, family outings, her boyfriend etc. etc. She also has a newer friend that she's known for roughly 5 years that she hangs out with on most Sundays after church. The boy she has been dating invited her to a Luke Bryan concert where he proposed to her. When I texted her to see how the concert was, her response was "Good. I got engaged." I was so happy for her and asked her to tell me when she knew the details of her wedding so that I could make arrangements to go. She said okay and assured me that it would be in our home state. (I don't drive and neither does she so I would have to arrange a paratransit bus to take me there.)

A couple of days later, we met at our city's National Night Out celebration in a local park and I asked her to show me the ring. (I was so excited for her!) She did but she was rude to me saying that because it was her monthly time, she was in pain. I then asked her if she had any details about the wedding and she responded that nothing was planned yet. Then, she looked at me and said that it was going to be a small wedding. "If we invited everyone, that would be like 300 people. So it's only our families and a few of our close friends in the bridal party." I knew what that meant and I took the hint. I then asked her if her newer friend that she hangs out with on Sundays is coming and she responded by saying "yeah, she has to come, she's one of my bridesmaids." After that I said "well since I can't come to your wedding, will you at least let me know how it goes afterwards?" Her response was "I'll be on my honeymoon!" "Okay well then, how about when you get back?" "Sure, I guess." She then said to me "You should probably get going soon because your bus is coming soon." I asked her to walk me out of the park and she said "I guess, but I'm not walking all the way out with you." I had to fight back the tears as I left the park. I was really upset. I sent her a text later that night letting her know that I was not happy about the overall way she treated me. (Not specifically about the wedding, but just her attitude in general.)

A couple of days after that, we were texting each other and I casually asked her how the wedding planning was coming. She said good and I asked her who else was in her bridal party. She named 7 people (her sister, that friend, another friend from community college, a mutual friend of her and her first friend, her first friend's cousin, her fiance's sister, and another one of his friends) and I said "Wow! That sounds like a big wedding. Lol!" Her response was simply "Ya."

That was the last time I spoke with her (we used to communicate nightly and this was by my choice). It's been over a week since her last text. I want to be her friend, but I'm starting to think that I should just cut her out of my life, at least for now. I mean, I'll be fine with time, but this is one of the most inconsiderate and hurtful things that has ever been done to me. (There's been a lot lately from different people.) Should I still try to keep the lines of communication open or just write her off? I never expected her to let me be IN her wedding, as in part of the bridal shower. I just expected to be able to come watch the ceremony and then bring a gift to the reception and say "congratulations!"

P.S. I know this is a long story, as most of mine usually are, but any advice you have for me would be much appreciated.

I'm so sorry. That sounds truly hurtful. Even if it were actually going to be a small wedding, she could have been polite about it, not just constantly brushing you off. It sounds like you've been friends for a long time, so hopefully she'll come around and realize just how rude and mean she's being, but in the meantime I hope you find some new, better friends.

Weddings are a big deal to us women so it's normal for you to be excited for her and interested in her wedding. I know she couldn't invite everyone but she could have still been friendly. Maybe she was feeling guilty for being unable to invite you. But not really because by rejecting you like that it's actually making you feel even more hurt. I understand how you're feeling.

My mum always used to say, "people are weird". So sometimes when I get unusual or unexpected behaviour from friends I just tell myself that people are weird. It sometimes makes me feel better.

Before the wedding business, it already seemed like you had slipped down her list of priorities quite a bit. Is it possible that wasn't because you had actually been moved down the list, but rather because, as she had suggested, there were just a lot of new things in her life that were important to her? Time moved on and she got a job, a new partner, presumably made new friends from work that she'd want to spend time with, and she mentioned spending time with family. I can totally understand how disappointing it can feel to not be higher in a friend's priorities anymore, especially when they're still pretty high in yours. But your friendship formed when you were kids and people do change and evolve a lot during their teens and twenties. Could you still be happy for her anyway? Could you be happy that she has so many things in life to keep her busy, and just be happy that she's happy?

That said, it does seem like she doesn't want you at the wedding and is making zero attempt at being honest with you, which honestly, even if she didn't want to be friends with you any more, is kinda the least she could do. You were friends for a long time and its no wonder you feel so hurt.

I guess if you do talk to her about it again, try to focus on how you felt when she acted the way she did. You already tried directly criticizing her actions, but she clearly didn't think she'd done anything wrong so it just went over her head. I'm not saying it's easy to hear you've hurt someone, but if she's a friend worth keeping, she'll want to try to understand.

However, your text to her about the wedding being large when she claimed it would be small, seems like sarcasm intended to make her feel bad because she made you feel bad. I can totally understand that urge, but if you just wanna get back at her and aren't too desperate to salvage the friendship then maybe just forget it and move on. Focus on yourself and your own life and leave her to get on with hers.

Either way, I'm really sorry you've had this crappy and confusing experience and don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I hope she does better as a friend and you can put this behind you, but if she doesn't, you'll be okay without her. And you can save your loyalty for someone else.

"Could you still be happy for her anyway? Could you be happy that she has so many things in life to keep her busy, and just be happy that she's happy?"
I am happy for her. Extremely. So happy for her that I sincerely wanted to spend her special day celebrating with her.

"However, your text to her about the wedding being large when she claimed it would be small, seems like sarcasm intended to make her feel bad because she made you feel bad. I can totally understand that urge, but if you just wanna get back at her and aren't too desperate to salvage the friendship then maybe just forget it and move on. Focus on yourself and your own life and leave her to get on with hers."[b][/b]
It wasn't exactly sarcasm. I wrote that to see what she would say about it because to me, it is a relatively large
wedding. She said originally that it was only going to be their families and a few close friends, but just going with the facts of who she said was coming, it sounds like it's pretty much all her friends except me. Even a couple of her friend's relatives. Plus, she admitted it when I called her out on it. She had every opportunity to say something like "well not really, like I said, it's only our immediate families and a couple of friends we each picked." But instead her response was "Ya." As far as getting back at her goes, that wasn't my full intent. I just wanted her to admit that she cares more about all those other people than she does me, which she still denies and makes excuses about.

The bottom line is that she and I have been friends longer than she's been friends with any of the other people on the invite list. Plus, she's breaking a promise to me that she's insisted on keeping for over 10 years now, without even an apology or a bit of regret. It disgusts me how some people think it's okay to treat others like this.

I know people who have had friends since childhood that they're still close to and invite them to special occasions. Sometimes the friends you've known the longest are the most special. She should treat you like a special friend being so she's known you the longest.

I'm so sorry you are going through this situation. It is very hurtful.

From what you described, it is obvious to me that your friend no longer considers you as a friend. If she were a friend, she would want you to be at her wedding without you prompting her to invite you. She is actually actively leaving you out of it. If she were a friend, she couldn't treat you so disrespectfully. She seems to really not care about how you feel at all.

I suggest that you cut her out of your life in order to prevent further hurt. Now you've seen what she really is like. You deserve better people. She may come back to you if she needs something from you. If she does, just ignore her. You shouldn't waste your time or energy for such a person. She's done enough to you.

I haven't talked to her in almost 2 weeks and while I hate to say it, as sad as it is, talking to her about her wedding made me feel worse than not speaking to her at all. Isn't that an awful thing? While I do plan to check up on her once in awhile just to make sure she's alive and healthy, it does feel nice not to be laying in bed crying myself to sleep after our exhausting 10PM conversations.