Depression

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I'm not interested in the prospect of existence if I am to continue to be plagued by what I'm plagued with now.

The friction between my desire to have a girlfriend, be accepted as a romantic partner and experience intimacy, and the apparent lack of prospects, opportunities and indications that I will ever get to have a girlfriend, has caused me escalating despair for many years now. I'm well past the point that I don't want to deal with it all anymore.

I understand the putting dating on the backburner and pull yourself up by the bootstraps ideas, but what these ideas fail to grasp is the sheer pain and trauma that I've been through and continue to go through with having no partner or history of having a partner. It's debilitating. It makes me not want to do anything and wish I could will myself out of existence.

This emotional devestation about not being able to date and not being accepted needs to be addressed before I'm going to be in a good headspace to achieve my goals. But it's not within my control to have a partner, and thus the very human desires I have are at the mercy of the universe and other people's proclivities.

It would mean the world to me if I could find a compatible woman and experience a mutual romantic interest. I don't know why it has to be so hard to find a relationship. I feel like I'm getting a really raw deal and I hate it so much.

I hope you find someone soon.

I understand you’ve had a few online relationships. Have you continued to have them?

Within these relationships, I would steer clear of talking about your frustrations in not having found someone. And don’t delve into gender politics.

In my experience, most women don’t care about the guy’s “experience.” Many are not “experienced” themselves.

One of my hobbies is programming, and I consider this a genetic program code at work. It tries to make you get into a romantic relationship, like it did for millions of years in your human and animal ancestors.

The genetic code does not include "if (incapable or incompatible or gets severely stressed when with another person) then stop()"
I consider myself asexual (as in not interested having a romantic relationship or sex with another person - I'm a (diagnosed) autist with significant schizoid traits, so I'm not even interested in having friends), but even in my case that program code may activate from time to time. Though it can take years between activation after a certain age, and you can become able to have conversations with persons you would have considered potential partners in the past, without the genetic program code harassing you again.

Now because people like you, they hope the best for you, and tell you one day you will find a match. And it may be possible in your case. Particularly if you aren't schizoid, but have a circle of friends, where a potential partner could slowly get to know you from a distance. In my experience there are quite a few more or less neurotypical (sometimes even extroverted) women who don't mind a little autism, and I have had romantic relationships with such women.

But I would consider it a priority to deal with the genetic program code, which you unfortunately can't change. You can only change your reaction (also a sort of program code) to it. That program code is the cause of your misery, not the lack of a romantic partner. Insulting or fighting the genetic program code for being ignorant doesn't work btw. Though if you feel like it, just do it. Just don't hurt yourself or something. And don't insult women because of your frustration.

It's easier to prevent the program code from getting triggered (e.g. keeping far distance to people who could be a potential romantic partner). But that is more or less just a temporary crutch to get mentally better, not a permanent solution. How to deal with it is probably different in each individual case. I typically just used the crutch. I'm schizoid anyway, so it's not a big deal for me.

Untested theory: It may also help if you find a woman (I assume you're heterosexual) with whom its absolutely impossible to have a romantic relationship with (e.g. lesbian or asexual woman), but with whom you can open up in private. While they may not understand your problem, because the female brain is significantly different in some areas, they may still be willing to have a conversation about it with you. When you can open up, maybe more than you could open up to a therapist or in a public forum, that could help you. Even if they can't offer a solution to your problems. So it would basically be something like a sister.

You'd actively have to search for such a woman. But this search should be less frustrating than searching for a romantic partner. I guess a woman who has to deal with her own psychological issues would be a good match. Because then she may be able to open up to you, which could possibly help her. And she may not be easily overwhelmed by the mess in your mind, because she's used to mess.

Something like this helped me a bit in a similar situation as you are in now a decade ago. Unfortunately it was with a heterosexual woman who in the course of the conversation I identified as a potential romantic partner. So I had to end the exchange...