I cant easily communicate with writing due to a learning disability but I didnt know where else to turn. I cant see a way forward. 43 years old, 42.5 undiagnosed ASD. 20 years of marriage 4 kids. since I discovered ASD in march I have learned alot about ASD. like many people I made it my special interest. One of the things that I learned was to not feel ashamed or guilty over things like sensetivity to emotions in others or because of meltdowns. I have been trying to identify and apply this to my life. for so long I just thought I was broken and I started to be ok with that. now I know im not and I am not trying to mask my sensetivities as much.
Here is the problem. I think I have so much trauma that I cant see a way to continue living with my wife. I would say she has a no nonsense attitude to everything. she controls everything in our family and gets anxiety when she cant. when she is anxious that triggers her and her natural reaction is "fight". Mine is "flee" but if I disengage that triggers her as well. the last several incidents I was in tears and tried to hide, her reaction was to say "why are you acting like I hit you? we are just talking. you always do this. just man up and deal with it" I react to her emotions and these "talks" almost always end in a meltdown, sometimes leaving me on guard for days or even weeks afterward.
today was another day where it ended in a meltdown that left me looking for a way out. I dont want to be trapped here with her any more. I know that the bottom line is that Im the one with ASD and a normal person would be able to "argue" or "man up" the way she wants and deserves. she didnt know I was asd when we got married. she deserves someone better who can meet her on her own level, not a pathetic husband who cant do anything without her.
we are self employed and work together (10-12 hours a day together) but she controls what little money we have. I would not be able to continue doing my job without the support she provides. ther is no savings and I have no money of my own so if I left I would have nowhere to go. I feel so trapped. not to mention I do feel responsable for providing for the family, its just gotten to the point that I take it any more. In may I was admitted to a hospital for suicide watch after she told me to just go ahead and kill myself, I dont want to go back there..
I dont want to stay, I have no where to go or way to provide for myself let alone my obligations to the 2 kids still under 18. I feel hopeless.
07 Oct 2022, 5:50 pm
