Feeling homesick for a place that isn't home

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I've been feeling down lately. After being back home for a while, I've started to miss where I used to live as a student. It became a second home to me. Personally I miss it. I am going to visit, but there's a bitter sweetness that it is temporary. That, well - coming to terms with the fact that part of my life is over is going to be difficult. I just - I want to go back. To hanging out in the student library. To being surrounded by my group where I finally freaking belonged once in my life. I know life is cruel and this is a small thing, but dammit I want to rage and cry and mourn.

Is this really my life now? Why do I feel so crappy? I thought I'd be happier. Yet I can't help but feel like I'm missing something and it's such a vague feeling that it annoys me - how am I supposed to address a feeling that's too vague to define? It just lingers, following me around and I wish it was physical - I wish it was something I could fight or interact with, but instead it's just a vague feeling and I don't know how to respond.

Sweet Pea hugs

Are you living on your own now, or with your parents?

I know what you mean, either way. You seemed to have had a lot of good university experiences, and excellent memories.

It's probable that part of your homesickness is because you miss that sense of security from school. You would have had very specific expectations and routines, and a feeling of belonging to a community. A change of routine is hard for anyone but especially those of us on the spectrum. It's even harder when you're stepping out of that security blanket, where it felt like the world was your oyster, into adulthood with all its looming uncertainties.

I have the same nostalgia for my campus. I remember feeling smart and capable, like I lived in a microcosm of the real world. This was before internet, so I guess that feeling was intensified. I was so proud of myself living independently of my parents and forging a path for my future. I remember my friends fondly, even though I didn't really have very many and some of them were total creeps. The buildings and places all have a mystique even now, 30 years after graduation. I suppose I idealise it like a coming-of-age memory that I can never experience again.

It's lovely that you feel this nostalgia. Is there a chance you can go back for grad school, or work closer to the school?

Thank you for the hugs, rebel.

I'm back to living with my parents.

A lot of my good experiences in University happened in my second year and early third year. University ended rather abruptly, especially since I finished my studies in the middle of a pandemic. When my tutor asked how I had found my final year, I told him that I actually didn't remember most of it and that it felt fake / surreal. Which is accurate, my university experience was going fairly decently until my final year. The final year just felt like a disconnected bad dream.

Regarding routines, I both hate them and find them comforting. I can't stick with a to-do list to save my life. Once I've written out a plan, I no longer want to execute said plan. Back in University, the way I would motivate myself was very much a carrot-on-stick approach. If you do this, then you get to listen to a song. However, once I was in the zone it was sometimes tricky to leave; I had to keep an eye on myself and set time limits. Group hang outs where we'd check in with each other were also helpful. Sometimes I'd go sit in the library to be around other people working so I'd feel more motivated to do some work.

My brain enjoys being in the moment (at times to a fault - if you tell me important information whilst I'm busy focusing, it's not going to register). However, I did get used to working a night routine. Whereas, my current work schedule starts early in the morning. I also had a favourite spot in a café and also in a park (my favourite thinking spot) where I'd go between lessons and occasionally I still go visit there in my imagination / mind's eye.

Grad school is an option, but I do worry that it would reflect poorly on me, that people might think I'm avoiding 'real life'. Working closer to the University is an option, but the competition for work in that area is fierce. However, I do want to find a new job. I don't like the culture in my workplace.

That's ridiculous.

You go to Grad School to get more "professional" credentials. You're not "running away from real life."

Anyway, it does seem to be true that the Masters is the "new Bachelors."

I wanna cut my hair, change my name, do whatever I can to feel sane.

I'm stuck playing the same game.

The person who I was, well she's been dead for a while. Yet I wear a jaded smile.

I want to throw it all away, yet I know I have to stay.

The boring day to day wears me down. It makes me feel like a clown.

Oh I how long for escape, to regain my sense of wonder. To escape this curse I'm under.

Did I lose my way? Why do I feel in disarray?

You're doing well they say, a soon to be success story. I feel no such glory.

I’m homesick for the house me and my fiancé had the first six months when my son was born. His gaming obsession was big but we at least tried to do more then just game. I guess I just miss that time of my life when the world treated me kindly and gently before the pandemic made everyone stop caring. Some days I miss my apartment with its tardis blue door, and my model of Ponyville on the corner floor. I think mostly I miss feeling whole and loved. 2021 I spent a lot of time just holding my son while I slept because I couldn’t stand how silent the house was while he was parting with that whore or texting that woman so much I could hear it all night. Now it seems that my son likes his dad more. I think I’m
Just in a funk. I miss my dad.

How is everything today, Lost Dragon?

Boring.

I think I'm in a bit a slump at the moment. Understandable. It's cold and dark. Not great for early starts. Whilst I know it's considered good manners to ask how your day at work has been, I think I'd rather mentally log out as soon as I physically leave. So much of my day is centred around work and getting ready to travel to and from work - I'd rather talk about something else. I'll have to start thinking of conversation topics to bring up instead so I can skip such talk at teatime.

Really I need some fun. I feel as though I've misplaced a part of myself. The part that doesn't take life so seriously.

I know the feeling.

You FEEL like you don't have much on your mind-----then you write out so much that is on your mind.....

Writing is really cathartic at times.