need to let it out.

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Been a long time since I've cried. I just feel so tired. Mentally exhausted. The big problem is when I get sad, the fog of my future fades and I can see clearly. It is a difficult one; lonely, depressed, dependant - an infant in a mans body, in a mans world. I can barely be a teenager as it is - and for all my efforts I'm not much of one. I'm not even one. I have to act human, all I am is an act. I suppose I could attribute this loss of humanity to AS.

I'm so goddamn sick of Uni. The education system. I've been in it my whole life. Waking up to the coldness and having to force myself to complete these pissy assignments. Having to make nice with people, reciprocate their small talk, think of how to walk from one place to the other, my body language, my eye contact, what I'm going to say. Planning, always planning. Planning and acting, all whilst trying to force down my ever-present anxiety. None of these disorders will ever go away, they don't cut me a break, don't shut off briefly when I need to achieve something important. I have to fight them down, act them away, ignore them and pretend they exert no effects on me. I lose no matter what the hell I do.

Endless tests; academic, social. You can never truly win, you can only temporarily succeed. Knock something down and it will get replaced, always - and it gets tougher, by increments. Others can grow and adapt. Implement and evolve. Lucky them. It gets harder, more demanding. I didn't ask for any of this.

My first sadness rant. Still feel s**t. At least I articulated.

Lock it up, the time for 'concern' has passed.

Sounds like you have describe the reality of the universe and not just your struggle at a university. One of my chemistry professor was lecturing on thermodynamics and his conclusion was "you can not win".

Your alot younger than me by the time your my age the technology of
antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications will be alot better. Like "Soma" in Brave New World.

http://www.huxley.net/soma/somaquote.html

Well, may I still volunteer a word of empathy?

I dropped out after two years because I was fed up with all the silly group work, professors with political agendas, and being taught what to think, rather than how to think. It was also so tiring to interact at my full time job, then off to hours of classes. You mentioned how draining it is to keep up the "normal human" act. Oh, boy is it ever! I cried a lot. Thought I was going nuts, really. You're very much not alone in your feelings, and I'm sad you're going through this. I wish I had a helpful hint or anything to give you, but all I have is a bit of understanding.

Thanks guys. I remember hearing about Brave New World - doesn't soma make people lose their identity? It's a cautionary tale.

Empathy is nice. I am always in control of my emotions, but this time my (lack of) emotion disorder was overwhelmed. I've never felt so sad - in fact, I can never remember feeling sad before. It was quite new and very subjective. I don't like emotions. Thanks again.