I want to apologize to myself

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For living in a fantasy world instead of facing reality.

For being too ignorant and superstitous to accept scientific fact.

For being part of the problem that's tearing society apart.

For not being educated enough to seperate real history from fake history and always coming across as an unintelligent dickhead.

For watching too much TV instead of reading books


But I'm clearly not the only one nowadays guilty of these things. We're living in an age where insanity and stupidity reign and science and facts are frowned on.


I just... feel like giving up. I shoulr have been more like my sister who is way more intelligent and educated than I am. Instead I wasted my youth polluting my mind with garbage and now I'm like an old dog who cannot be taught new tricks it's too late for me at this point in my life.

No it’s not.

You’re still pretty young.

I’m 62, and I’m still evolving.

I’m still living in a 66 year old fantasy world. Some of my beliefs are so nutty that even nutty people think I’m nutty. I just keep it to myself… I’ll probably be an atheist in my next incarnation. It all works out in the end.

No need to apologise to anyone.

Becoming wise is a never ending process. Some people push that process into reverse, I certainly did, but the humility expressed by the OP would suggest to me that he's heading in the right direction.

Just the events of the last 3 years has been enough to change my mind completely on numerous issues as well as my attitudes towards life in general that I'd held firm for over two decades or more, I'm largely now back to what I'd been brought up to believe before drugs and the realisation that adopting certain views made it far easier to attract play-time partners of 'looser morals'. I got so involved in that cesspit I forgot I was only supposed to be there in disguise just to dip my toe in for the experience. It's easy to get lost in the madness if there's short term gratification constantly on offer to draw you back in each time you're on the verge of coming back to your senses.

I guess it's just been kind of a shock to learn that so much of what I thought I knew about history and such is actually wrong. And I'm starting to feel bad about having embraced neopaganism because I realized that while I don't wish to disrespect their religious beliefs, many of their beliefs about the pantheons of ancient times are extremly misguided. I understand this now after having done a little research online.

I guess it makes these gods seem less 'magical' to me now. And I really was giving into magical thinking which I think may be partly due to my mental health? I read somewhere that people with bipolar disorder can be prone to fanaticism and stuff.

And there's the issue with history itself. I've not done enough reading into real history despite having somewhat of an interest in it. I think I tend to assume I know about history from having watched too much TV and I really should know better than to do that because TV warps the truth about everything it touches.

Like the Medieval Ages for example. Like so many Americans I was misled into thinking it was such a horrible time where peasants lived in filth from not bathing and were basically slaves to their kings. But apparently it wasn't quite that simple (which I'm glad because the medieval ages has always been a favorite setting of mine). But people (and by people I mostly mean Americans because I'm sure Europeans know more about their own actual history) are very ignorant towards what the middle ages was truly like because of stupid shows like Game of Thrones.

I guess maybe if I quit treating entertainment as a source of education and start reading actual history by scholars I can start to have a better understanding of such things? And I won't feel quite so insecure in my own knowledge.

History. Pick where and when… according to where your own interests lie… then find the right books to read (I mean books with academic rigour) but still keep an open mind. My own interest is English history between Hastings and Bosworth Field. There is not much recorded about how serfs lived in those times, but Terry Jones (Monty Python guy) has written some books on that, a bit populist but great reading.

I’m also interested in the US in the lead up to the Civil War. It’s mind-boggling stuff.

PS… as a pointer where to start, try reading “Fatal Colours” by George Goodwin. It’s about the Battle of Towton, the most vicious and costly battle on British soil. It really gives an insight into why these people hated each other so much and it’s a good introduction into (what later became known as) the Wars of the Roses.

I will keep that in mind, thank you.

One of my special interests is classic mythology. But I think I was getting too much into it to the point that I was being somewhat delusional in treating figures like Lilith as if they were real.

I feel I should study these things from an academic standpoint instead. Mythology of any culture is fascinating too.

Also I'm kinda into Japanese history. I remember watching a documentary about the last female samurai Takeko Nakano who lead an army of women as they fought to defend their clan from the Emperor's army during a civil war in the Edo period. It was pretty fascinating stuff and this was how I learned about how American warships forced Japan to open their borders and establish trade with the world which angered a lot of people in the country and led to the dismantling of the shogunate after the Emperor's army won the war.

Here's is a clip from this documentary

I also have a fascination with real-life female warriors like the women warriors of Dahomey in West Africa who fought to the death to defend their kingdom from the invading French Colonists.

Japanese Warrior Women


https://youtu.be/zQouh5yczWI


Dahomey Warrior Women

https://youtu.be/9NK2Xj6S1LQ