Sounds trivial, but it does affect me.

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To start with, I have a phobia of looking good. As in, I feel physically sick when I have to put "nice", "good-looking" clothes on, especially very girly ones (I am a 17 year old girl). I feel most comfortable looking scruffy, although I can dress quite smartly if I need to (i.e. interview, special occasion). However, dresses, skirts and tops that do not cover my bum are out of the question. Just as are "shapey" clothes. Baggy/army stuff feel best with me, and anything that a neurotypical girl would never wear makes me very happy too.

The thing is... My Mum insists that I look good. This has gone into her calling me the male equivalent of my name in a sing-song way when I dress in my comfortable clothes. She will constantly berate me, and look at me in a very obvious, disgusted way, and she will sometimes throw adult tantrums and then refuse to talk to me. I have had to go out feeling like I want to vomit (or hide in a bush) quite a few times, and memories of a distant sexual abuse come back to me when I "look good". I have even had to buy quite a lot of girls' clothes, and when we go shopping, I just have to stand there and make up crap about how something looks good in me when inside I am screaming "NO!! !". I need a way to compromise. I cannot wear this good-looking s**t that my Mum keeps putting me in and I am quite sure that I will have a panic attack if I have to do it again. It is summer now and I am not at school (when I am at school, I hide clothes in my sports locker, which I can change into when I get there), and as it is hot, my Mum keeps throwing tank tops (no matter how much I tug them, I cannot feel safe and protected) at me, and me wearing "nice" clothes is the only thing that keeps her stable these days. As for me... Well I am losing the energy.

At your age you should feel free to wear how you like. The idea of "selling" you in a smart fashion should be a matter for you to choose, if you don't trespass some limits (attracting attention for eccentricity). Anyhow you must "sell" always your character more that your looks.

Yes, this makes sense. I just don't want to walk around trying to say to everyone: "look at me! I'm so beautiful!" In fact, I dress in earthy colours and cheap clothes because I like to hide myself from public attention.

I am very similar to that.

Steel Maiden, as long as you are comfortable with how you dress and do not dress in a distracting manner, your mom shouldn't have any problem with this. Her behavior sounds very immature- it is OK for her to disapprove of how you dress, but she has no right to treat you that way because of it. Just try not to let her get to you

what i wear if it is not uniform is mostly costume if you could call that. if i am not at work, i am quite picky as of what i want to wear. It is almost like i am going to perform. I cant stand boring clothes and more eclectic fashions arE UPmy alley. I always dig bright colors. I have gotten to the point that i don't care what others think as long as it is not slu*ty. I love to dress in vietnamese dresses, and long, tall boots. They just feel better than other things,. If it is a good color and it is comfortable and the fabric is pleasantt, then i want something that stands out. Not even to grasp attention from others, to please myself. Silk clothes are heavenly. they breathe and they almost feel like a second skin, they are so sensitive to air and friction. If it breathes, is comfortable and a little fun, i will wear it, but it takes a long time for me to shop for clothes. . it has to be just right.

I hope things improve with you soon!

im a guy and sometimes my parents do that. they dont like me having facial hair. if i forgot to shave for more than 2 days, my mom would say "omg! you forgot to shave! dont forget to shave next morning!". they like to scrutinize my haircut. if they dont like my haircut they would tell me not to go to the hairdresser again and i should go to a different hairdresser next time. they want me to wear a watch (even though i dont like wearing one) because if i dont wear a watch, people would think i dont have money to buy a watch.

SteelMaiden, it sounds like you should see someone about the sexual abuse issue. The clothing conflict, with your mother, could be a manifestation of a deeper problem stemming from the abuse. Good luck.

Last edited by bobert on 12 Aug 2007, 7:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Firstly, you sound just like me at 17.

Secondly, I think loose fitting clothes can be physically comforting and therapeutic for some autistic people, because of our sensory issues. That would explain why you feel physically sick in certain other garments.

There might be some self-image stuff and identity issues mixed up in there as well (which would hardly be unusual or unhealthy at 17!) but you could try telling your mother that you have sensory needs as an aspie, so you have perfectly valid non-psychological reasons for choosing to dress in a certain way - In fact the therapeutic feeling of loose fabrics against your skin has a soothing effect which lessens your autistic issues and help you face the world better and be a more productive individual.

Doesn't sound like her mum is very susceptible to logic.

Maybe you could find some clothes that would be comfortable AND shut her up. For example, sweater dresses and flat boots and/or ballet flats are an extremely comfy combo that still look feminine.

I'm not implying her attitude is acceptable. However, it sounds like she's set in her ways, and so you may have to go along to get along to a certain extent, until you can support yourself and move out.

And I agree -- get counselling about the sexual abuse.

Thank you for the fantastic advice!

My Mum has let it rest a little after I had a serious chat with her about it - I have taken to wearing pyjamas that are a bit too large for me all the time at home, and when I am out, I wear linen trouers (or something else loose-fitting) and shirts. It seems to work.

I do agree about the sensory issues, and I did tell her that. She still has the attitude that my AS must be "cured" and "got rid of", but give it a year and I will be in University, much more independent and hopefully not living with her.

You are very welcome!

Bingo. I hope you can get this resolved, because your attitude about clothing might change, but more importantly your fear/anxiety and attitude toward your self and body might change for the better. Take care.

sounds like me and my mom. I'd say keep doing what you're doing. Realize your mom is going to waste her money on stupid clothes because she sees you as an extension of herself. Don't let on that you change your clothes at school because she might try to stop that. You have a right to wear what makes you feel comfortable and shouldn't even have to argue with her about this.

Thanks. Good advice!

And besides, I won't be at home for too long now...