It really hurts

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Last night, my male friend took me to a pub place I have wished to go to, tho it is more like a club
called The Dungeon...it is mainly for goths and you get a lot of people in amazing clothing there and it is on levels and just really nice, but really loud mostly.
My friend has a lot of friends, as mentioned in another post and every other person at this place seemed to know him, so we ended up stopping while he talked to catch up with them.
And someone asked if I was ok... I couldnt talk. All I could do was stand there, darting looks around, unable to break into the conversation or speak.
I felt so outside of things as I watched groups of friends hugging one another and talking and seeming so carefree and adept at communicating.
And there was me, not knowing where to look or what to talk about.

I feel so very lost as I can now only see a future of isolation because I cannot seem to change what I come across as.
To others I am withdrawn, strange, silent, defensive, and I hate it.

I know that feeling well, I used to get it all the time when I had 'friends' in college. It really sucks. I don't think I'll ever really be included properly in anything, always on the sidelines.

You could see if he'll introduce you to some of his friends gradually, ie. 1 or 2 of them in a more quiet environment. Then, if you go again, you'll know a couple more people and it won't be as daunting.

that describes me at every party i ever go to.

There's really not much to talk about with anyone who ignores you like that. Most of them don't have a thought in their head other than "how do I get someone to do me?" or "do I look cute?"

Even when they do listen, most do it only to find a weakness to exploit. Those who actually pay attention are often part of a religoius sect trying to find new converts with a weak resistance. Remember, that's how Charles Manson ended up forming his family in Los Angeles.

Here's one thing I found that is quite effective for making friends. Find the nearest soap box derby course, grab a skateboard, and see how fast you can go. There are quite a few longboarders with dreams of competing in speedboarding contests hanging around such downhill courses, and they're a little more mature than street skaters.

Of course, as I found out yesterday, it takes a few passes to work up the nerve to stay on a short board at those speeds (20-30 mph easy).

I just suppose because I lived with my mother until 24 and because I then was with my ex for 5 and a half years, I never noticed how socially inept I was as I just didn't go out then or feel a need to socialise at all, but I am starting to desire to have more friends and am finding it impossibly difficult, and I fear at 32, it is too late to change it or learn methods to help myself. It just seems so insane that it is only now I find out how bad I am socially. I never really considered it before. Maybe sometimes it is better to just remain reclusive as then you can avoid seeing what you cannot have.

And boy do they feel like barriers. It is like being in an invisible bubble or iron cage.