FFS 3 for 3; really? Wow, Universe.

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My sisterinlaw - my brother's ex-wife, mother to my oldest nephew.. all 3 fathers are simultaneously very unwell.

Her bio dad is in hospital, palliative. He's not coming home. She's been driving out to the valley to visit him every day or two and he's quite needy/difficult, so sometimes visiting is a challenge But it's still worth it. Liver/kidney failure. (diet/lifestyle, not alcohol.)

My father, who she's been quite close with, is likely in his final days, not weeks. He hasn't given up and if by some miracle he can survive longer he will because his Will is strong af, but his body may be at the end of the line. 7 year battle with cancer. Spread to his brain a month or so back, docs figured he should be in a vegetative state due to brain scans - not walking and talking with full memory function. Full brain radiation for 5 days.. but that treatment with his body already weak and his heart with it's last remaining beats in it (major heart attack 2 Augusts ago, arteries 85-90% blocked, heart at 15% capacity.. rose to 35% peak but not strong enough for a heart procedure or any more tumour removal surgeries. WITH a heart procedure long term life expectancy would be 2 years.. we're a year and 9+ months with no procedure.) it's extremely unlikely that he can recover from this. He could have passed any time in the last week or so, or any day now... but he's still going. Medicated for various things, extremely weak for someone who's spent a lifetime being Strong and self sufficient, and thankfully not in any pain.. but, still going. Today he said he wants to come downstairs and sit outside - first time in a week or something. Glad the landscaping and cleaning project is almost complete - and he said he wanted flowers front and back.. so, there are flowers. Something like $1200-1300 worth of flowers. Money well spent.

And I was thinking a few days back, of all her "dad's," the one who had open heart surgery years ago to have a cow valve installed in his heart seems to be the one still trucking along just fine! (Her stepfather; her mother remarried) But no, we get the news this morning that he had chest pains last night and they called an ambulance this morning so now he's in the hospital. 3 for 3.


She's truly a wonderful loving caring person. She's an RN at a local hospital and works oncology/palliative care. She advocated for my dad several times which 100% extended his life by her medical problem solving. HFS I can't even imagine how she's holding it together right now. She's dealt with the process of death countless times.. was there for the passing of her boyfriend's mother - that's how they met. But all of this all at once? Whoa. I don't even know what to say or do for her, but I'll try my best to figure it out I guess.

I'm sorry to hear that so much is going on with your sister-in-law. It must be hard for you too. It's a very hard emotional time when someone close is nearing the end of their life, let alone three at once.

It’s possible her stepfather may have an alternative medical explanation for the pain he experienced besides heart issues. They were gonna do some scans and tests and see if the sharp pains may have been caused by kidney stones intermittently getting stuck and then causing shooting pains.

Something like that. Clearly different anatomy than the heart area, but I dunno, maybe the pain was up through his chest. I initially heard heart issues - which is possible considering he’s had open heart surgery And apparently one cardiologist messed up with something resulting in some heart tissue damage.

Afaik he’s still admitted and being monitored while awaiting tests and test results.


The other two will pass as it seems it’s their time soon.

Indeed; it is hard. I live at my parents house and haven’t been working in order to be here for my dad. Now he requires 24/7 assistance from someone stronger than my mom to help him move/sit up/walk/wheel etc - which I’m fine with. Others have helped when they’re visiting or nearby. Hard to watch him go from strong and independent to wasting away and weak - but - still strong willed.

+ there’s been other major stresses in my life the last couple weeks. Landscaping project, firing a shady contractor, doing the prep work myself until midnight a few times, hiring competent ppl, still finishing details and cleanup etc

and then there’s the whole my close ftm trans fwb stabbed his mom 10x in a drug induced psychosis incident his mom told me about and I told her I would call 911 if he contacted me.. he did, I did, he was arrested last night and in court this morning for a bail hearing.

Some other minor family squabbling that’s really nothing in the grand scheme but just more bs to deal with here and there.

Soooo, I’m being tested I guess.

That's a lot.

I've taken care of dying loved ones too. It's exhausting and stressful, as well as heartbreaking.

Stepfather was discharged from hospital yesterday. Even though his heart rate was low, like 36 vs. 60-70 or so, tests said his heart was Okay and they're not sure what caused his pain for sure. So he's home.

Her bio dad isn't doing well. Confused and a bit out of his mind. So, she's off to the valley to the hospital he's in to visit him tdy/this eve. Called and talked to me a bit today, said I could call her if I need info/advice etc. (She's an RN) She did give me some info/advice about some meds and things for my dad - which was good because I certainly understand them all better than my mom does. Administered some meds and things today when he woke up a bit and I'm sure he's feeling more comfortable.

My dad's physical health continues to decline. He's mentally all there, but he's extremely frail and weak. All signs are that his time is coming soon.. and like my deceased friend Benito said to me one of the last times I saw him alive: "When it's your time it's your time.. we don't get to pick." Cancer/heart, seems it could be either or that both are converging on the same point in time - his time.

Hang in there. It's such a tough time when dealing with the declining health and possible last days, or weeks, months, we never really know, of the people closest to us.

My partner of 15 years died in 2015 (he was 51), my father in 2018, and my mother in 2021. All three died in hospice care at home, so it was up to me, and my sister, in my parents' case, to take care of them. It's probably not the same for everyone, but I can relate to some of what you are going through, I think. Sending best wishes.

Goldy, you are one of the people on this website whom I consider my friend.  Your grief saddens me, and I do wish there was something I could do, some words I could say to make all of this better for you and yours.

Hang in there.  You have friends.

Fnord

True, never know when someone’s time is.. and like my deceased friend Benito said “When it’s your time it’s your time.. we don’t get to pick.”

For my dad, when his cancer first metastasized and he asked how long he had one doc told him to “get his affairs in order,” because she didn’t think he’d have long. Another later said 5-10 years. And here we are somewhere around 7 years later and reality is it’s coming ever closer to the end of the line - nurses and doctors are surprised he’s still with us now as his health and strength have declined rapidly & significantly over the past few weeks or so. There’s no surviving this. Only accepting that he’ll be off on his journey to the ancestral plane at the time he was meant to go, really.

~6 weeks ago doctors figured he should be in a vegetative state with no memory function. He’s still ~100% cognitively; it’s only his body that’s fading away. And really literally fading like holocaust victim thin & weak and requires assistance to reposition on the bed almost every time he wants to move now. A bit of discomfort, but throughout it all almost no pain at all. And generally fairly healthy and strong these last handful of years so he could actually do things and enjoy life. If you’re gonna go like this, at least he’s going out in about the best way possible.. fairly quickly at the end w/o pain vs years of suffering and no quality of life.

Her bio dad - not sure.. still hanging in there, probably confused and continuing to lose his marbles. Forgets things, insists things are this way or that when they aren’t, memory lapses.. “Oh, you’re here!” Umm, I’ve been visiting for the last 3 hours, dad.. stuff like that.

She’s an RN and had 12 days off in a row and figured at Least one of them would have passed in that time, but no, not yet.. still going.


Her stepfather did an at home heart monitor thing for a day or two and dropped it off at the hospital for them to analyze data. Complete branch blockage on his heart, called back asap with cardiologist waiting for him. Most likely installing a pace maker as fast as they can get him into an OR.


My dad’s been uncomfortable.. I know he’s ready to go the moment it’s his time. My mom told me he said yesterday that “I just want this to be over.” But, still no major pain and today has been a better day.. he asked for and drank 9 ounces of water, then another couple ounces of ice water and 4-5 ounces of Gatorade. A lot more than I thought he might want to drink as people nearing the very end tend not to even drink and just dehydrate - which makes for a more comfortable passing & enables the brain to go into a euphoric state so there’s no sense in offering/forcing fluids.

He’s been alert and talking some with my brothers. Watching a bit of the hockey game that’s on now. Didn’t want to attempt going outside yesterday or today but says he wants to be outside tmw. Good choice - warmest nicest weather for the next week is tmw, approx the same as today. My sister, brother in law, and nephew are staying the wknd again so I’ll have his help for the safe carry down.

I’ve spent almost all of today within 5-10 feet of my dad so I’m here for every move/reposition for comfort or request for drinks or to go pee etc. Made a couple arrangements to have things I need delivered so I don’t have to leave the house. Up 2-3x/night etc. No major pain, but keeping with a low dose of pain meds every 4 hours to prevent it vs chase it later since the only thing he’s said is that if he does get pain he doesn’t want to feel it. Reasonable request.

Even when he’s not too talkative he’s 100% there and listening and still funny lol late last night when I was talking with my mom about drawing up pain meds into syringes if needed (I know how, not rocket surgery) before a nurse comes around to preload a bunch for his butterfly sites he heard me talking, doing volumetric math, counting syringes and needles and ampules etc and just said “Don’t f**k up!” k np dad.

Sorry to hear your dad isn't doing well. He's surrounded by so much love, though. I'm sure if he got to choose his final exit this is kind of how it would look.


Sad story about my dad:

This is how he wants to go. No more hospitals, no more tests, just rest at home. He has a hospital bed in his room at the foot of their bed and he was on it for like an hour, said it was uncomfortable so we haven’t made him use it. We only agreed to have it brought in because IF he needs treatments/attention from nurses they won’t work on a patient in their own bed that can’t be raised up and they won’t lift them. I can either prop him up on pillows or carry him to the hospital bed if I Have To.

That’s a crappy way to have to deal with final treatments & death. At least it’s Summer weather, plenty of people around, as comfortable as can be given the whole situation. Certainly much better than everyone having to work full time and having to drag him around on a rug to treatments and all that. :/