Im exhausted of people thinking I'm "mentally ill"

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I think I'm having an identity transformation. Im figuring out some stuff and I don't like all of it. My family isn't understanding. It unsettles them. It's so frustrating. I just want to talk about it because it's something I don't wanna go through alone.

I take my meds consistently lately, yet my family doesn't believe that. They don't get it. I don't need medication even. I take them even though I don't want to just to keep the peace. It's too tiring to have the same cycle of arguments over them.

I have had a different perspective since I was a child. I have suspicions that I have the ability to see different realms. Its always by accident. It's not hallucinations because I have it so sporadically and it doesn't add to difficulties, in fact it helps me. I have had the same recurring dreams for many years. It's a repeat cycle. I have deep connections. I have deep conversations. I'm tired of people discrediting them or rolling their eyes. I just need to find people who are similar.

I feel more unpleasant when people don't understand. It feels like something's wrong but I know it isn't. It's just because of people's reactions. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day so I don't have to interact with people. My days kinda bleed into one another and I feel like I'm not my true self because nobody gets it. I'm never my true self. I'm not who I am in the mirror. That's not how I want to present myself. Plus it just looks unfamiliar. I like looking at my outfits though. I just don't look at my face. I'm already living in different places metaphorically pretty much. I don't feel myself there physically but I know I'm there.

I don't even feel a connection to people or myself really, I feel like I'm supposed to but being vulnerable scares me. I don't want to go to therapy because I don't want them to misinterpret my stuff. I know myself. I know how to help myself. Anyways the questions are difficult to answer and they're confused by my fluctuations in answers. I just don't know how to tell them I might have accidental abilities or something. I freeze up because I shouldn't talk about those things. Sometimes my head gets foggy and my arms feel detached and I start shaking slightly when I try to talk about what's actually going on. I can never find the right words because they don't exist.

I don't fully exist. I'm very unclear about myself. It's not affecting me negatively but it causes slight anxiety sometimes. It goes away fast though and I just accept it. I can't let certain people know though. They would see me differently if they knew. I want to get along. But it's causing difficulties to not share my feelings and experiences. Is there any way to unravel my experiences so that they make sense. It's sometimes upside down, inside out and backwards. I think that's why I just repeat the same stories a lot. They don't bring up bad emotions. People get annoyed sometimes. I haven't really shared these feelings because it's difficult to talk about without being accused of things.

I think the right therapist would be able to understand you, but it might not be easy to find the right one. You might have to try several and the process can be stressful. But it really does sound like you need someone to be able to talk to who is not going to pass judgment and will listen.

The thing that sucks in this story is it sounds like you're lacking the basic freedom to explore these concepts and ask critical questions to vet - for yourself - whether what you're experiencing is veridically true and my guess is you'd really need to keep your inquiries under wraps to be able to do so uninterrupted.

Some things to look at on that front - there's Donald Hoffman and Chetan Prakash's 'Conscious Realism' (they published a paper 'Fusions of Consciousness' in the last year which tackles bringing in Nima Arkani Hamed's amplituhedron and decorator permutations as a pre-spacetime means by which spacetime arises). You also have books like 'Beyond the Dynamical Universe' by Silberstein, McDevitt, and Stuckey of which I've seen several interviews with Michael Silberstein where he unpacks his take on neutral monism, contextual emergence, and the 'adynamic global constraints' aspect of consciousness which seems to be Silberstein's description of how consciousness would localize in various points in time in an eternal block universe (something that I think Hoffman's theory also seems to suggest but I haven't heard him state that specifically).

On a more 'spiritual' level you have different channels such as Glitch Bottle and The Cult of You where they have high quality interviews with top-brass Solomonic magicians and authors as well as people working other paths such as necromancy, Jinn, etc.. That line of inquiry would probably be the most likely to trip up your family so it would really be something you'd scour to see if there's anyone else roughly seeing what you are or, if it's to the contrary, you'd have more clarity as to whether what you're dealing with might be something more akin to synaesthesia.

It sounds like a lot of your battles come from how the world is relating back to you, how communication is working or failing, and at least part of the trick might be figuring out how to focus your efforts on what's most important to you in terms of how that communication works. If, for example, you can narrow down several things that cause people to think that you need their intervention, that those things don't explicitly impair your ability to navigate, and where the biggest problems are actually fundamental differences of beliefs (and to be clear - there's so much abuse in the NT world that they tend to care far more, at least on a social level, of what the social ramifications are for believing something much more than whether or not the thing believed is true, so it's a rather rotten foundation that needs a lot of pragmatism) then accepting their inability to change and your obligation not to communicate with them about these things since it only serves to upset them needs to be worked on. If it's really mostly a matter of you telling the wrong people things that an open-minded person would have less of a problem with, that amounts to changing your lens on what the people around you are capable of believing and just giving up on the project of convincing them of anything. If your bigger problems are ones that impact self-reliance that's probably the bigger issue, and for me personally a big part of this even from my teens was realizing that someone can easily have their thumb on my life if I can't make enough money to be free of their influence, and it's worse if I'm forced to rely on them for a place to stay.

I threw a lot in that last paragraph because I don't actually know the source of the core conflicts in your life. Key takeaway - there are ways you can vet these things, at a minimum what you're experiencing is real in the context of being something you're experiencing that has shaped your life, is integral to your story, and even if it turns out to be non-veridical you can at least contextualize it perhaps as a tool if you can figure out how to tap into it for processing veridical content.