days off and stream of consciousness

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Usually, Mondays and Thursdays I do not work. This week, also, Sunday, today, not scheduled to work.

Considered doing something productive or necessary:
unclog sink
learn to fix house
cooking
clothes shopping
cleaning house

instead, did nothing, except grocery shopping. applied for a couple jobs. jogging.

zero motivation.

even maintaining a 30 hr a week dumpsterfire "job" is exhausting, s**t.

everything sounds like cost benefit analysis. not worth the energy.

Home Depot is so ghetto. Official language: Ebonics. Nepotism, favortism. Home Depot hires convicted felons. Precious lil "people" act like they have a lot of mental illness symptoms. Subconscious biases. Micromanaging Tattletale Tom keeps bothering me every time he things i did something wrong, even if I did not do it, or it is not wrong, or he does the same thing all the time. Annoying Alberto kept bothering me about being his "friend". (rolls eyes). They talk too much and work too little and think too little. f**k those ret*d ass holes!

On the other hand, WTF ever. Maybe I should "lighten up" (like annoying alberto said), b/c despite all the pressure I put myself under, I still work at f*****g Home Depot. (efficiency versus effort)

Plenty of coworkers that appear much younger than me, claim to have children. Steve and Rob each said they had five kids. Plenty of slaves pay for cars and rent. How do they do it? They only earn minimum wage.

Plenty of slaves work 2 full time jobs, and they are much older, heavier, fatter than me. Their jobs involve standing up. I can barely work one part time job. How do they do it?

Been waking up in the middle of the night coughing every day, for the past two and a half weeks. Zero other symptoms. The most recent time I got sick before that: May 2022. (15 months). About three weeks ago, some dude had the nerve to ask me to put on his shoes, and I did. Even though I was wearing gloves and a mask and touched his feet a minimum amount, and washed my hands afterwards, still got sick. Next time, I will say I am not comfortable (doing whatever they demand). (rolls eyes). Just that I felt guilty b/c I am not a Good Samaritan like Peter Wang. But WTF ever. Plenty of precious lil "people" are also not good samaritans.

Between 2012 and August 13, 2022, ate one candy bar (esp chocolate) a day. Exception: a couple times, for under four days, ate zero candy. Then August 13, 2022 til now, August 20, 2023 and counting, have not eaten chocolate. (cold turkey). So f*****g proud of myself, it makes me ashamed that I have nothing better to be proud of.

My 12 year old self would be *disgusted* to hear about what a loser I have become @40:

zero "friends"
no STEM degree
no STEM job
no career
no significant other
zero athletic accomplishments
emotionally fragile
socially awkward
can't even afford a car
eating disorder
clinical depression

Besides, even my current job is fragile. An article on the Internet said Home Depot is going to do random massive firings. (do not know if it is factually accurate. anyone could post anything on the internet. the CFO of Home Depot might not have written the article.)

Bored as f**k of myself. I am a loser. The solar system has taken a hugefuck toll on my worthless corpse. Constantly afraid of getting hit by a car or bitten by dogs.

Besides, my job as a Lot Attendant. Any day now, Tattletale Tom, or a customer, might tattle on me and get me made redundant. ("At will" employer). And a couple times a day I almost get hit by a car. Home Depot attracts the worst drivers. Two weeks ago, I saw a pedestrian get hit by a car in Trader Joe's parking lot. Scared the s**t out of me. Besides, my worthless corpse is getting too weak to handle heat, rain, lightning, thunder, hail. Working outside. And standing up all day long. Exhausted. I have a doctors note that i am not allowed to lift over fifty pounds. however, it's getting to the point where i am way too weak to even lift 50 pounds. besides, i am the only female lot attendant. nichelle, alana, and jayla appear to no longer be lot attendants. maybe they work at a different home depot. i don't know. all the other lot attendants cisgender male, taller, heavier weight, and physically stronger than me.

besides, the older i get the physically weaker, physically slower, less coordinated i get. and i was never that great to begin with.

september 2022, i unintentionally dropped a tool while trying to unload it from a customer's car. chipped tooth. i was afraid it would land on my foot. those tools are *heavy*. "what the f**k? you can't hold on?", the ass hole customer had the nerve to bark @ me. (rolls eyes). he thought i dropped it *on purpose*.

Then, zero income. Government benefits not guaranteed, sufficient, or permanent. s**t.

Sometimes I just wanna shoot myself.

Been having trouble sleeping the past two weeks or so.

There is really no point in me continuing to live. I am doing nothing besides wasting resources. On the other hand, plenty of precious lil "people" are the same way or worse, and they act like they are the latest greatest thing since sliced bread. (rolls eyes)

Zero "friends". Most precious lil "people" flap their retardedass traps way too much and too loud. Esp the ghettoass simpletons @ Home Depot. They might act all "buddy buddy" but then the second they are not happy, they act like I invented the world's worst felony, and they act like they have never done jack s**t wrong before in their lives and "the meaning of 'life' is 'helping people". (rolls eyes). f**k mister redelings! just b/c he was a civil engineer, doesn't mean he is not also a homophobic ass hole!

dena won't answer my e-mail. she's the closest thing I had to a "friend" for a longfuck time, s**t.

cory often doesn't answer the email and when he does he just tells me to get a better job. correct, but not adequate.

fecal incontinence

itching episodes

a couple weeks ago, an article said a 82 year old ice cream vendor 10 blocks from Home Depot got robbed by gunpoint for $120. my job is in the middle of a homeless encampment, not an office. any old convicted felon could go anywhere i could go. constant fear, anxiety. uptight. off leash dogs. day laborers screaming "Chino!" @ me. tripping over garbage in the parking lot.

a nightmare waiting to keep happening

clinical depression

prozac, zoloft, effexor, propranolol. side effects too many. negligible positive impact.

autism diagnosed 21. Regional Center requires diagnosis before 18. zero professional services.

my "parents" have been dead for a long time. when i was young, they had the nerve to bark @ me and laugh @ me for my "wrong" facial expressions. and compare me to my academically smart sister. but my "parents" were not morally bad "people". they were just not perfect. but i am not that great either and nobody is perfect.

annoying lil dips**ts have the nerve to refuse to say "excuse me" instead of "what" and "huh".

home depot has way too many loud noises. random violence and crime.

gone nowhere in "life".