I’m having a VERY HARD TIME, I’m crying right now. My life is a BIG MESS, I don’t know how to fix it. My birthday is Friday, I wish I was dead, I finding it very very hard to do everything myself & I can do a bad job taking care of my cat, she loves me anyway, I can be very mean to her. Everything was so much better when I lived with my mom, she helped me & bought my clothes when I was in my 20s & 30s, we went to the mall, we went to other stores together, we had mall food, she hang out with me when I had no friends, I guess my sister was jealous that I spent more time with mom than her, I went on vacations with my parents even when they were separated, they were still friends & love each other. When my mom was in a coma, I was the one that brought her out of the coma & I also was the one that made her eat. Everything was simple then, my mom & me didn’t have the internet since the late 90s, we had a computer when I was a teenager, but the computer was for her business, we had an IBM. I had a Commodore computer in my teens, I used it for school work & playing games, I really loved playing Frogger.
I HATE having Aspergers, Cerebral Palsy, Psoriasis & Learning Disability, it can be tooooo much to handle + I have more things that I have, I have Psoriatic Arthritis, my muscles in my arms can be weak, especially my left arm & I have some pain in my left hand, my right hand seem to go very numb, I feel this numbness feeling, it seem to only happens when I’m playing games. I read psoriatic arthritic affect back too, the spine, I been having back pain too, my side can really hurt, it can hurt so bad that I hardly can walk in the mornings, I needed my wheelchair, my legs can be weak too, I’m afraid without my wheelchair, I would fall down, I hadn’t fallen down in months, I’m proud of that, I be doing leg lifts like physical therapists do, it really works. my body can be in sooooo much pain in the mornings, I have hard time getting out of bed. That one reason why I want to move, I can bump into things, I mostly bump into things with my walker, even without a car, I’m a bad driver, I used to bump into things with my grocery shopping carts when I could walk more. I soooo hate my life now, my body is falling apart & I feel sooooo alone with doing everything by myself, I can’t cope with it, I keep getting sooooo overwhelmed. I have nobody offline to help, people in my city think that I can do stuff myself cuz I’m an older adult, they also thought that I’m difficult to work with when they clean my apartment, they don’t care that I have mental issues. I just have trouble when NT people do certain stuff that I can’t understand or have problem with & can’t talk right to them cuz of my speech, everything is my fault. My older sister don’t care to hear the truth, my dad don’t care & my cousin. I’m soooooo tired, I’m fighting everyone, I’m fighting myself to live.
Sorry this is too long.
21 Aug 2023, 9:28 pm
