Uncertainty and sadness

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I am just writing this for my own catharsis but right now I am uncertain about the direction my faith life is going. Yesterday I traveled up to Northeastern PA to my sister's confirmation in the Catholic Church. She was confirmed and received her first communion. It was a happy moment and got to see my cousin also who I don't get to see very much anymore. The Catholic church we attended also had a evening mass celebrating Easter. The church I attended for many years while my old Pastor was still alive had an open communion policy. That meant that as long as the person was a believer in Jesus Christ and was baptized they could take Communion. After my old Pastor passed away last year a new Pastor took over and made many changes. Most of which I didn't agree with. I also felt "blown off" by him when I tried to voice some issues I had when I was volunteering with the audio visuals. I subsequently resigned my membership from the church. I have been kind of lost ever since.

The world I knew feel like it got blown apart. The community that I relied on for many years felt like it was no longer there. I have been visiting my old church every so often because I haven't really found another place to go yet. The new Pastor has a policy that you have to be a member of the church to receive communion which was different from the policy my old Pastor had. I haven't had communion in over a year and it's something that's important to me. I have been visiting some Catholic churches but due to some differences with their beliefs they do not allow nonmembers to take communion which I understand. I don't understand however the changes in my old church as I think the only things that truly matter are whether an individual confesses faith in Jesus Christ and is baptized. I believe those should be the only two criteria. I would like to argue this with the new Pastor but have never been good with confrontation. My old church had communion today and it just made me feel left out and very sad and angry because I couldn't take part in it.

I got into an argument with my father about it and didn't end up attending church today. This is the first Easter where I haven't gone to church with my family. I can understand now how others who have bad church experiences can feel. I never expected to ever feel this way about a place I cared about for many many years. Whenever I go back to my old church now it feels totally foreign and a place I don't recognize

I know in my heart God hasn't abandoned me but I feel abandoned by the faith community. I know i'm not the only one to experience this but it hurts and it feels like rejection in alot of ways. I had thoughts of exploring the Catholic church but don't know if I feel God calling me to it all the way. I think I was hoping to find something similar to my old church and old Pastor. I don't know if it's possible to find what I had again. We were kind of unique. My old Pastor blended elements of the Lutheran faith with Baptist theology. It felt right to me. Now that world is gone and I feel removed. This has been the worst Easter I think I've had. I started to have suicidal ideations today just because of the sadness and pain from everything.

Last week I also started a new job but due to the distance which was an hour and 10 minutes away I only ended up being there for one day and ended up quitting because of the anxiety I had the next morning. I have an interview this week for a part-time job that's much closer but it's just been a time of extra stress, sadness and depression.

You sound as if things might feel as if they are stacking up on you Am very Sorry you did not get to attend Easter services... and being a recovering Catholic .. I understand that feeling of feeling of seperation. And early on my critical
thinking skills were forced to be used on a almost hourly basis , living at home as a child . And was raised up in Catholic parochial school and graduated ,first communion and through Confirmation .. Was very steeped in that religion, Had even considered following the path of some of the Nuns st my school. But did not sense the calling. But as I aged
The critical eye,that had developed in me , Started to see the disparities involved in the concepts of hypocracy.
And noticed from a first hand perspective. About how The Lord held a special place for Children in the World ?
But seeing the exact opposite of this happening as I grew from a child. From seriously abusive siblings and naive
reactions to the stories my older siblings told my parents,used to get me repeatedly punished for things they did around the house .That were wrong or damaging . And then If , would attempt to explain, to my parents ,gave them excuses to inflict more physical abuse upon my self.Besides unwarranted severe punishment for them, Consequently , Started seeing the big disparities between how people treated each other.
Thusly My Faith was badly shaken. And this allowed me a better idea of how going to Church , might be a optional thing.
Especially ,when I learned that priests and other ecumenicals could grant dispensations for certain things .It felt more hypocritical . Did manage some sort of recovery after reading the book named " The Power of Positive Thinking"..Hanging onto Faith could still be a great support system for many peoples . And fault noone for their Faith

I'm sorry you're going through this Brian

I don't really know much about church culture

I am sorry to hear about your experiences, Brian.

Losing your place in your old church community as you had it initially, is a tough burden to bear. I hear you in that you feel let down by your faith community.

Hopefully your thoughts toward suicidal ideation will be only temporary and will pass quickly, rather than being a persistent issue.

I pray that you will feel better and be able to resolve this situation for your own peace of mind, in the future.

Thank you so much, Jakki, Babybird and Blitzkrieg! I appreciate your thoughts! I have been feeling a bit better today

I am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, Brian!

Yeah and I'm glad as well