Just diagnosed - my world is blown open

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Like the subject says, blown open...I don't know who I am without my mask, without this amazing happy helper facade I've cultivated for survival's sake in a hostile land. Well, my survival mechanism almost killed me. Any advice? I want to hide from the world, truth this is. Thanks.

First of all, you’re not alone! I’m 42 and I just got diagnosed 2 weeks ago. I’m in the process of educating myself about ASD 1 and just learned about masking. The thing I’ve been doing my whole life. Today I learned about stimming which I actually think I do in multiple ways. I reached out to my EAP for help. It can be a process finding a therapist who is neurodivergent literate that you click with, but they’re out there. Your friends and family may not support you/validate your diagnosis the way you hope they will. It comes from mostly ignorance or discomfort. Hang in there!

I’m now more aware of the things I do to mask but I’ve kept doing them for the most part. Unmasking feels so scary because the mask has been your protective armor this whole time. My husband doesn’t know me without the mask. I don’t know me without the mask.

Your fear is real and your feelings are valid. You can do this, just go at your own pace.

Hi! You have no idea how much your reply means to me. Surprise!! I love that. It's quite an existential crisis to not know who you are. I mean, I'm 47, and super intelligent and spiritual, and I've been playing up and down with this Buddhist idea of "No-Self" over the years, the implications of the illusion of a separate self theory, you know, and how it informs our human existence. I'll tell you this: It was a LOT more romantic when it stayed in the abstract. Like, now, now that I've touched the depth of my masking so that I could be loved, I have no idea where I fit or who I am, and honestly, there is nothing romantic about it.
It's about having compassion to from the discomfort that this truth brings up, and understanding that our friends and family won't have the bandwidth to meet us with that...there's a lot here.

Hi welcome to the forum

Have you heard of vipassana? try "vipassana testimonial" on youtube

I've definitely heard of vipassana. I have done meditation but it's never really been the ticket for me, and vipassana is so very extreme...in any event, how has it helped you?
since I posted the original post, I've found a resource by Jessica penot, a late diagnosed autistic woman therapist. It's called the Unmasking Workbook for Autistic Adults. I'll let you know how it goes.