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Thoughts about Life and Death (Possible trigger warning)

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Brian0787
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27 Feb 2025, 11:13 pm

I was working from home today when I happened to be at lunch and got on LinkedIn and saw a post about Gene Hackman. I went to the news and ended up seeing the article about his death and the circumstances. As I read the article sad images of what happened flashed across my mind like photographs. As if I could see it like I was there. I had these images in my mind the rest of the day as I was working. All of his accomplishments. Everything he did and then just gone.

It feels as if a band-aid holding a wound was just ripped open. On top of this and very strangely I found out today that the first Psychiatrist I saw when I was 13 recently passed away. He was the Psychiatrist who first put me on Paxil. I feel shell shocked. Maybe what I'm experiencing is PTSD. Someone who played a pivotal role in my childhood and who I am just passed away.

Images of my Pastor and his death have been haunting me in my mind as well. At the same time in my own life I started working from home for the first time this week and it has been rough. I am grateful for the opportunity, but I have also been asking myself if this is the life I want. If this is what I truly want to do with my life. I feel like when I ask that question all I can say is "No". I am very grateful for the job but realize I think I want to do something else with my life. I recently rediscovered a Nickelback song called "Savin Me" that has been playing in my head on repeat that seems oddly relevant when listening to the lyrics.

Thoughts of "Don't waste your life" have been coming to mind. I hope I can move past the images that have been plaguing my mind. Something I am thankful for is ways of expressing myself and it makes me realize how important things are like writing and music and outlets to express the storm that is inside.



justkillingtime
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28 Feb 2025, 1:03 am

I believe you will move past this. Maybe you just have to keep going to get through it. I am sorry for so much loss and suffering but I truly feel the pain will pass.


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Stargazer99
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28 Feb 2025, 2:16 pm

Brian0787 wrote:
I was working from home today when I happened to be at lunch and got on LinkedIn and saw a post about Gene Hackman. I went to the news and ended up seeing the article about his death and the circumstances. As I read the article sad images of what happened flashed across my mind like photographs. As if I could see it like I was there. I had these images in my mind the rest of the day as I was working. All of his accomplishments. Everything he did and then just gone.

It feels as if a band-aid holding a wound was just ripped open. On top of this and very strangely I found out today that the first Psychiatrist I saw when I was 13 recently passed away. He was the Psychiatrist who first put me on Paxil. I feel shell shocked. Maybe what I'm experiencing is PTSD. Someone who played a pivotal role in my childhood and who I am just passed away.

Images of my Pastor and his death have been haunting me in my mind as well. At the same time in my own life I started working from home for the first time this week and it has been rough. I am grateful for the opportunity, but I have also been asking myself if this is the life I want. If this is what I truly want to do with my life. I feel like when I ask that question all I can say is "No". I am very grateful for the job but realize I think I want to do something else with my life. I recently rediscovered a Nickelback song called "Savin Me" that has been playing in my head on repeat that seems oddly relevant when listening to the lyrics.

Thoughts of "Don't waste your life" have been coming to mind. I hope I can move past the images that have been plaguing my mind. Something I am thankful for is ways of expressing myself and it makes me realize how important things are like writing and music and outlets to express the storm that is inside.


It’s very difficult for people on the autism spectrum to acquire a job, especially working from home. Rather than quit, consider keeping the job and using your free time to write or pursue music. I only say this because it is so difficult to find new work in this world. If the job stresses you in unhealthy ways then that work may not be a good fit for you. Consider all of your options and choose the solution that is healthiest for you.

Based on the information that you shared of your grief and mental images you are likely a highly sensitive individual. There are books to read about coping as a highly sensitive person. I’m a highly sensitive person also. To break the trajectory of negative thoughts, step outside and walk for a bit in the fresh air. This will help to restart your consciousness.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal.



Brian0787
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28 Feb 2025, 6:28 pm

Stargazer99 wrote:
Brian0787 wrote:
I was working from home today when I happened to be at lunch and got on LinkedIn and saw a post about Gene Hackman. I went to the news and ended up seeing the article about his death and the circumstances. As I read the article sad images of what happened flashed across my mind like photographs. As if I could see it like I was there. I had these images in my mind the rest of the day as I was working. All of his accomplishments. Everything he did and then just gone.

It feels as if a band-aid holding a wound was just ripped open. On top of this and very strangely I found out today that the first Psychiatrist I saw when I was 13 recently passed away. He was the Psychiatrist who first put me on Paxil. I feel shell shocked. Maybe what I'm experiencing is PTSD. Someone who played a pivotal role in my childhood and who I am just passed away.

Images of my Pastor and his death have been haunting me in my mind as well. At the same time in my own life I started working from home for the first time this week and it has been rough. I am grateful for the opportunity, but I have also been asking myself if this is the life I want. If this is what I truly want to do with my life. I feel like when I ask that question all I can say is "No". I am very grateful for the job but realize I think I want to do something else with my life. I recently rediscovered a Nickelback song called "Savin Me" that has been playing in my head on repeat that seems oddly relevant when listening to the lyrics.

Thoughts of "Don't waste your life" have been coming to mind. I hope I can move past the images that have been plaguing my mind. Something I am thankful for is ways of expressing myself and it makes me realize how important things are like writing and music and outlets to express the storm that is inside.


It’s very difficult for people on the autism spectrum to acquire a job, especially working from home. Rather than quit, consider keeping the job and using your free time to write or pursue music. I only say this because it is so difficult to find new work in this world. If the job stresses you in unhealthy ways then that work may not be a good fit for you. Consider all of your options and choose the solution that is healthiest for you.

Based on the information that you shared of your grief and mental images you are likely a highly sensitive individual. There are books to read about coping as a highly sensitive person. I’m a highly sensitive person also. To break the trajectory of negative thoughts, step outside and walk for a bit in the fresh air. This will help to restart your consciousness.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal.


Thank you so much Stargazer! I have to admit that I felt like throwing in the towel with the job but I'm trying hard not too. You are right that it's very challenging to find new jobs. My supervisor has been very nice and understanding so far. She had booked meetings this whole week so I didn't get a whole lot of training done and was kind of frustrated. I had thoughts alot of time about another career path but not sure what that would look like. When I read the story about Gene Hackman and his wife's death and the circumstances it ended up triggering me. I recently saw an article about Michelle Trachtenberg too and was saddened by that as well. I have read a little bit about "High Sensitive Persons" and seen where it may have something to do with the nervous system. It's very interesting and will have to read about it more. I think I need to walk outside some.



Last edited by Brian0787 on 28 Feb 2025, 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Brian0787
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28 Feb 2025, 6:28 pm

justkillingtime wrote:
I believe you will move past this. Maybe you just have to keep going to get through it. I am sorry for so much loss and suffering but I truly feel the pain will pass.


Thank you so much :) I appreciate it!



King Kat 1
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28 Feb 2025, 10:08 pm

At 45 now, I can kind of relate to this sort of.

First, I've worked in a warehouse for 20 years and I am sick of it. The noise, unreachable rate quotas, some of the people, Idiot management, and now I am hearing we might be getting sold again. Last time we were sold, the new owners came in and screwed everything up. Really slashed our benefits. They hire some real low-quality people these days. Place is a cess pool. Thing is, if I quit, I lose my insurance, vacation time, and seniority. Not to mention I don't think I could replace the pay. Still, I am burned out and my body hurts

Second, My Dad's health is going downhill fairly fast. Nothing fatal or alarming per see yet but things are slowly failing. Thing is, I live 900 miles. As stated above moving isn't an option and I don't think I could handle the climate in the south.

Third, this is out of my control but just how screwed up the world really gets me down and I fear things are going to get worse. This is frightening

Last, I don't really have any family I see and really no close friends. Just kind of on my own. While I am not bothered by that but on the other hand, I feel very alone anymore and at times it's scary.



Brian0787
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01 Mar 2025, 1:31 pm

King Kat 1 wrote:
At 45 now, I can kind of relate to this sort of.

First, I've worked in a warehouse for 20 years and I am sick of it. The noise, unreachable rate quotas, some of the people, Idiot management, and now I am hearing we might be getting sold again. Last time we were sold, the new owners came in and screwed everything up. Really slashed our benefits. They hire some real low-quality people these days. Place is a cess pool. Thing is, if I quit, I lose my insurance, vacation time, and seniority. Not to mention I don't think I could replace the pay. Still, I am burned out and my body hurts

Second, My Dad's health is going downhill fairly fast. Nothing fatal or alarming per see yet but things are slowly failing. Thing is, I live 900 miles. As stated above moving isn't an option and I don't think I could handle the climate in the south.

Third, this is out of my control but just how screwed up the world really gets me down and I fear things are going to get worse. This is frightening

Last, I don't really have any family I see and really no close friends. Just kind of on my own. While I am not bothered by that but on the other hand, I feel very alone anymore and at times it's scary.


Thank you for sharing King Kat! I'm sorry to hear what you're going through as well. I can't imagine what you must go through working at the Warehouse. I can't imagine working with all the noises and the sounds and the quotas. I'm sorry to hear about it being sold too. It seems like whenever a new owner comes into a company things tend to be worse than they were before. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad as well. I worry about my parents as well. The political chaos that's going on right now is not helping either. I don't have a lot of close friends to. I have one close friend who lives 15 minutes away and he has a wife and a couple kids so I don't see him very often. It can definitely be scary.



King Kat 1
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01 Mar 2025, 10:46 pm

Brian0787 wrote:
King Kat 1 wrote:
At 45 now, I can kind of relate to this sort of.

First, I've worked in a warehouse for 20 years and I am sick of it. The noise, unreachable rate quotas, some of the people, Idiot management, and now I am hearing we might be getting sold again. Last time we were sold, the new owners came in and screwed everything up. Really slashed our benefits. They hire some real low-quality people these days. Place is a cess pool. Thing is, if I quit, I lose my insurance, vacation time, and seniority. Not to mention I don't think I could replace the pay. Still, I am burned out and my body hurts

Second, My Dad's health is going downhill fairly fast. Nothing fatal or alarming per see yet but things are slowly failing. Thing is, I live 900 miles. As stated above moving isn't an option and I don't think I could handle the climate in the south.

Third, this is out of my control but just how screwed up the world really gets me down and I fear things are going to get worse. This is frightening

Last, I don't really have any family I see and really no close friends. Just kind of on my own. While I am not bothered by that but on the other hand, I feel very alone anymore and at times it's scary.


Thank you for sharing King Kat! I'm sorry to hear what you're going through as well. I can't imagine what you must go through working at the Warehouse. I can't imagine working with all the noises and the sounds and the quotas. I'm sorry to hear about it being sold too. It seems like whenever a new owner comes into a company things tend to be worse than they were before. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad as well. I worry about my parents as well. The political chaos that's going on right now is not helping either. I don't have a lot of close friends to. I have one close friend who lives 15 minutes away and he has a wife and a couple kids so I don't see him very often. It can definitely be scary.


Thank you and yes over the years the job has kind of dragged me down. Some of the people are impossible and the noise/sounds I used to not have that bad of a time with but it's gotten old. We were sold back in 2014 and that very thing happened, I got a feeling if the rumor is true and I believe it is, Were in for another ride.

Dad's hanging in there still, Friends have faded away or in one case it ended badly.

The political chaos scares me, now I understand what other countries have gone through during revolutions or government collapses.