I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I've been in this neverending loop and will be stuck there forever. I've been wrestling with a few things lately and wanted to see if anyone else relates to them. Being a Black man is the hardest thing for me, and sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in – I never joined a frat, don't always do the head nod thing, or never tried to flirt with any woman because of the history of bad men in my family. I tend to stay away from women to avoid potentially starting a relationship since my last attempt at being in a relationship ended badly because the girl I was into wasn't a good person to be in a relationship with. Everyone tells me that I can just be platonic friends with women, but the idea of being friends with multiple women feels like it's a bait to becoming my father and uncle when they were young. I was once in a club at school where all the girls and I left. I know that black men are careless and mean and care only about themselves. I'm trying to buck that trend.
I love my mom. Still, she has high expectations that have sometimes made me play it safe and be on the sidelines because I think my actions would heavily reflect on her. Also, my brother has this stupid dog who's a German shepherd/Chihuahua mix, and since my parents are divorced, he has to travel with my brother every time he spends the week at my mom's, where I live 24/7. He brings out the worst in all of us, and I don't think I want a dog when I live alone. My brother and I are both out of work, and it feels impossible to find new work. I also think President Trump has gotten to people because I think they are starting to become racist towards my kind of people again. It's a tough spot, and the "loser" label feels heavy. I daydream about alternate universes where things have gone differently, and I could be a bit more happy. I'm 21, and this is embarrassing. I wanted to share and ask you all what should I do.
07 Apr 2025, 2:53 am
