Why would anyone choose me?

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Let's pretend for a moment that, by some miracle, I meet a woman who I'm attracted to, who I vibe with, and who doesn't have any deal breakers. Why would such a woman choose someone who's autistic, obese, has no money or property, no career, and no sexual experience despite being over 40 and having erectile dysfunction? And if nobody wanted me when I was younger and in much better shape, why would anyone now?

And how many planets need to align? She has to be someone I find physically attractive, who also finds me physically attractive. She has to be some I have things in common with and enjoy the company of. I have to find someone with the right quirks who's interesting to me on an intellectual level. So probably so.eone who is neurotypical, and has at least a college degree. I'm finding that, in general, I have little in common with people my own age; everyone else is married or divorced, has an established career, owns a house, and has kids old enough to be in college. What does a man-child that likes comic books and action figures have in common with someone who been a parent for at least half her life? And there can't be any major deal breakers, like smoking or being overly religious. If Jesus and church are important to you, we probably won't get along. And, of course, she has to be all of this and also still single somehow. What are the odds of all that aligning?

No idea.

But I do know that it happens every single day.

Physically and behaviourally flawed people are coupling up, living physically and behaviourally flawed lives together and finding each other's physically flawed bodies attractive enough to have aesthetically unappealing but sensationally enjoyable intercourse that sometimes results in physically and behaviourally flawed children.

The trap is closing yourself off to the possibility. Once you do that you get bitter and then you're really screwed.

For everyone but me.

If it was possible, something would've already happened by my age.

You choose you first. Work on yourself. Become a better version of yourself. Learn to like yourself more. Treat yourself better. Go for walks. Think positively. Get in shape. Carry that positivity around with you.

At my age, it's already too late for any of that to matter.

^ What if your future partner is already working on what KeepWaiting suggested? You gotta match her pace!

Yes, you must be very special

I don't have a future partner.

Then you explain how anyone can stay chronically single for decades?

Sure.

Such a person might have a range of physical attributes that might make achieving an instant attraction less likely. This tends to be overestimated but we'll go with it and assume they might need to rely more on positive personality traits to attract a partner.

This means finding ways to spend more time with people they hope to attract to allow those traits to come across. Some people lack the patience for this.

The person may not be in possession of, or may not be aware of, any positive personality traits they may have. Furthermore they may falsely believe they are incapable of developing any.

This may lead to them to avoid habitually putting themselves into the sort of situations where they are likely to meet people who are available for fear of disappointment.

They might have their own list of arbitrary red lines that they won't accept in other people leading to a further narrowing of the potential field, despite being the sort of person who moans about others not seeing past their own superficial defects.

Finally, accumulated years of disappointment might have led to them developing chronic low self-esteem and a broadly negative outlook on dating/romance and possibly life itself, none of which are attractive traits and tend to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That would about do it, I'd have thought.

Not the case. I have been told I'm good looking plenty of times. Women have often complemented my eyes. Though none of those women were interested in dating me. People often think I'm roughly a decade younger than my actual age. Someone once thought I was in high school when I was in my late 20s. I have a huge bell and man boobs, but that was not the case when I was in my 20s. So my physical attributes are not what is turning women off to me.



I did that plenty of times in the past. But regardless, I was rejected by every woman I met every time.



I've been told that I'm a sweet guy. That I'm great with kids. That I'd make a great dad, even. But clearly none of that matters, as still no woman has ever wanted to be with me.



Not at all. I did just that or the longest time. I met plenty of women. Just none of them have ever wanted to be with me.



So now if I have any standards at all beyond a pulse, that makes me the problem. I need to feel attracted to someone, but I do not require anyone to a super model for that to occur. I've ben attracted to plenty of overweight women. I prefer women with darker skin, hair, and eye color; which to the best of my understanding is the opposite of the common superficial beauty standard. I need to have enough in common with someone or we will just be bored with each other. The things I avoid are smoking, which is disgusting and makes me feel sick; or being overly religious, as that will just drive me up the wall. None of this is arbitrary or unreasonable.

And by the way; I already tried dating the only woman that would have me despite finding her unattractive. She turned out to be an emotionally abusive narcissist who was only interested in me specifically because she was looking for someone vulnerable she could easily take advantage of.



Only problem with this hypothesis is that none of that would've happened if I was not already frequently rejected for years first. An effect cannot be its own cause.

This is a matter of inadequate responsibility distribution. Stop solving their problems for them. You don't even know them yet. Let them figure out why they would choose you. You figure out why you would choose them.

Semi-joking aside, I think that assessing individual characteristics as wanted or not is one of those trees-forest things. A nice forest can have mediocre trees, but together they're a nice forest. Meanwhile, another forest can have a few impressive trees, but the rest of the forest may not be appealing. Some people like this giant redwoods, while other people like bayous and swamps.

The redwood trees alone are impressive, but they're few and limited in the forest, so it's not a complete environment. Those redwoods may get boring after a while. They also grow in colder climates that may be repulsive for some people.

The bayous and swamps won't have tall trees, but they're a whole ecosystem that appeals to many, especially those that like heat and humidity. Bonus: the swamp has extra water in case you need to throw out the baby's bathwater (keep the baby).

I'm not sure if this will help, but the way you describe yourself is roughly the same way my boyfriend would describe himself. He's slightly younger than you, and much crueler in the way he describes himself because of low self esteem. I still ended up choosing him.

I can't tell you the probability of it happening to you too, or even guarantee that it'll happen, but there's always the possibility that someone will come along and see the good things that you have to offer and decide that it's worth building something with you. Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it will never happen. I understand that it is hard to imagine. It was impossible for me to imagine anyone ever showing interest in me before my boyfriend did (I was too strange, too awkward, etc.), but just because I couldn't imagine it didn't mean it was actually impossible and there was no hope. If that makes any sense? It's okay if it doesn't. I'm not sure I would have gotten it before it happened either.

Also, they're not going to pick you because of the things you listed. They're going to pick you because of the things that you don't see in yourself or didn't list. The last time I was at my boyfriend's house I taped a whole bunch of paper hearts on his bedroom door and each one had a reason that I loved him written on it. It was for things like his compassion, and cleverness, and acceptance of me as who I am. Things he would have never written when describing himself. I don't care that he is obese, has no money or property, has no career, and has no experience (with similar ED issues related to medication side effects) because the other things are more important. I like that he's ND because it means we can relate to each other better, so that's irrelevant.

Anyway, TLDR I can't tell you the odds because I suck at statistics, but they can't be zero until you're dead. So I hope things work out even better than you could have ever imagined.

^dating and relationships are a game of chance

That's how I see it but there are things you can change & do to give yourself more of a competitive edge in dating

The way to win in the game of dating is to rig the results in your favor by making yourself more attractive to another person! !!

I have successfully made it to the other side but it has been a LONG lonely and hard journey to even get there!

I wasn't talking about you. I don't know you. You asked how anyone could stay chronically single. I gave a plausible scenario.

I'm over 40. If I had any qualities anyone could find attractive, someone already would have by now.

The reality is that there are far more autistic men in the world that there are women who are willing to accept us. And those women have all found their men long before reaching my age.

But let's say, just for the sake of argument, that by some insane miracle there the one woman out there that I will meet one day that will be willing to live me as I am. What if she isn't my type? That's the problem with having such a diminished pool of eligible. The odds of finding some I like who also likes me is impossible.