Not taking it...

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I know that you hear me going on about things like this quite often, and if you don't want any more of my bulls**t, then I'm sorry; I'm only doing this because I cannot safely talk to anyone about this in real life (the people in real life that can keep a secret don't honestly care about my problems).

I keep having recurring dreams about my past mental illness, such as the things that I did in the midst of great madness, and the consequences they had. My parents are splitting up in a way that causes maximum subliminal stress to me, and hence, well... I am paranoid to the point that I feel that if I post anything here, my doctor will read it and then section me. I'm not taking my medication, and I *refuse* to take my medication, because it makes everything grey and I'm not being almost constantly hungry or sick. I had to go for a one-hour long medical test which included being injected with things etc etc etc. I'm not afraid of injections; I'm used to them. Having an injection is just like any other boring appointment. However, the injections I'm used to are blood tests and immunisations. I'm not used to being injected with syringes of drugs. And well, I think subconsciously, I connected that with being injected in the ward a couple of years back. I was OK at the time, but when I left, my head started to fill up with rushing memories and thoughts, and then I was convinced that everyone around me was staring at me, and muttering things about me. My thoughts were talking to me in my head, and then I found myself trying to find a corner to sit in where nobody would find me, and when I did, I took out a safety pin and re-opened the puncture wound. Luckily it was a vein that had been punctured, not an artery. I walked around for the rest of the day with my head spinning with my thoughts in the form of... I fear to say it... voices, and I just couldn't face people. I ended up taking a random bus and ending up in Tolworth. BAD idea.

Sorry about this long post rubbish, I should just go in my corner and deal with it, but having totalled only 9 hours of sleep in the past three days has not helped, especially when most of the night is spent listening to the radio because I am so bloody scared at night, and I can't switch a light on, because I hate it when the lights are on at night; they're too bright.

If I go back to hospital, it will kill my Mum, and my school would not trust me again. I'm stuck. Very stuck.

I think I made that too long and I think I'm boring you all. Is that correct? Be honest.

Are you ok now? I hope so!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh whatever. It doesn't matter.

Really, tell me! Are you ok?

NO!

I'M NOT! NOT OK AT ALL!

Really?

No.

I mean: no, I'm not ok. Nothing is ok. People are against me.

SteelMaiden, you aren't boring me!


PM me anytime if you want to talk! Are you depressed? (Sorry; I always have to ask that!) Fear is part of depression too... or depression manifested in a certain way, or whatever. It's awful how they treated you, or did they have no choice and you knew that and let them? I dunno your situation but it sounds like you went through a lot. Talk about it if you want. I think you mentioned some stuff in the mental-hospital thread in the autism discussion forum... I'm gonna go read that again.


PS: Do you think you should get evaluated for PTSD?

Romper bomper stomper doo
Tell me, tell me, tell me true

@!#%$! !@ time no longer exists.

My friend is schizophrenic (not saying you are) - her final decision was that she'll take the meds because they keep her out of hospitals. Could you maybe find a bottom line like that, to hang a decision on?

You probably didn't get that American joke, but are you a very private person?

You're not boring anyone SteelMaiden, this is what this place is here for, to talk.

Try not to worry about other people. I know it's hard, but worrying about your Mum, and your school will only add to your stress levels. Just concentrate on you for now.

What do you think of Claradoon's idea? If you could at least get stable then you might be in a better position to discuss drug options with your doctors. Is it a new drug they gave you that made you feel so bad? Is there anyone medical you can trust who you can talk to, a CPN maybe, who will know how drugs could affect you?

We're here if you want to talk some more, and you are safe here to say exactly what you like.