failure. frustration

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So, I just broke it off with my long distance relationship. I still don't know what happened. I feel like I tried, but also like I screwed up. I get so confused when I'm in emotional territory. It started off fine, but I ended up feeling like I was always having to defend myself. I feel bad, all the same. I'm impossible. I feel like a convincing decoy for a real person.

Don't beat yourself up. If you were always having to defend yourself, it wasn't a good relationship to be in anyway. Try thinking of it in neutral terms: you just weren't the right people for each other.

I'm sorry that happened.

I've often felt like this.

In the six months prior to coming on WP, I had a long string of "almost" relationships, in which I'd go out once for coffee or exchange a few letters with a guy. Things like that. And then after a couple days or weeks I'd say "no thanks after all" and vanish. Sometimes I saw warning signals, like the guy who yelled at my infant son or the one who felt that I "owed" him a hug. But sometimes they were really nice guys and regardless of that fact, I'd just get an awful anxious feeling, like being cornered or caged. As if I were some kind of committment-phobe.

In retrospect I know that what happened is that I wasn't being myself around these guys. It was a time in my life when I was concentrating heavily on how I appeared to others and I had pretty well emptied myself of all personality in order to conform to what people wanted of me. It was a lot of work, so when these guys wanted to call all the time or go out more often or whatever, it was too exhausting to keep up with. It's hard enough for me to translate my thoughts into words at all... harder still when I'm trying to be more feminine than I am naturally inclined to be.

I wasn't trying to misrepresent myself, so much as I was trying to be something else. That's one adaptive strategy I've learned in order to cope with having AS: trying to divine what people want of me and give it to them, not thinking of what I want to do or be. I think it was a very dysfunctional strategy though. This is something that my friends and everybody here on WP have helped me with: realizing that my primary duty is to be myself, that I don't have to sacrifice my individuality in order to avoid offending others. I still haven't ironed out the kinks, in finding this happy medium between being purely selfish and purely pleasing, but I've made quite a lot of progress. I genuinely do like most people and I am slow to anger, so there is not as great of a disparity between those two sides of me as one might imagine.

Anyhow, I don't know if any of that is really relevant to what you've just gone through, but your post sparked these thoughts and I felt like writing it, so here it is.

For what it's worth, I think you did well to break things off. Nobody should be made to feel like he's always needing to be on the defensive in a romantic relationship. You can't always see eye-to-eye with your partner, but you should at least feel like you're on the same team.

I feel better today, though I know I'm going to get more emails and text messages over the next few days telling me that I'm confusing and a liar. We were close to a match, but the distance aspect just made things unworkable, and she seemed kind of abrasive, which I don't handle well. I also haven't dated in many years, so I'll chalk it up to a learning experience.



I can relate to your experience of trying to be different things to please different people. I want to make them happy. I get in trouble though, because I'm not all those things, so I can't maintain that. It also doesn't make me closer to them, since they're not relating to the real me. Still, there is supposed to be some give and take in a relationship, and I know that some of my traits, though innate to who I am, aren't conducive to a happy relationship. Grey areas like this ruin me, because I can't determine what's a loving, reasonable accomodation and what's overboard.

The first date in a while, just like the first job interview in a while, is usually a trial run where you make a lot of mistakes. My first experience dating (and the only so far) after my divorce was a real mess. I made a lot of mistakes that I don't think I'd make now that more time has passed. Long distance relationships seem like they'd be difficult enough (I've never gone that route) without the pressure of it being your first relationship in a while.

Trust your instincts on this one. If she seems abrasive and is constantly judging you at this point, what would she be like if you were actually around her all the time? Although obviously I don't know any details, it doesn't seem like something you should pursue to me.

By the way, if you don't mind me asking, why is she calling you a liar? The confusing part I understand. I've gotten that myself many times. Did you give her any reason to think you were lying about something or is she just throwing out insults without basis?

Because I told her that I connected with her and thought she was smart and adorable and cute. It was all true when I said it, and most of it is still true now, but over time I came to feel as though we wouldn't get along. She throws those things back at me now, saying that if I don't want to date her, I was lying about what I'd said. I disagree, but there's no point in arguing semantics with her. Falling out of love doesn't invalidate having been in love.

I definitely wouldn't classify that as lying. Lying is knowingly deceiving someone; all you did was change your mind once you knew the situation better. I completely agree that falling out of love doesn't invalidate having been in love in the first place. My ex pulled that crap on me every time I tried to leave him; the guilt trips always got me to stay.

That's a bad sign. Walk away from this one. A relatively healthy person would try to understand why you're not happy so that if possible, a solution could be found to save the relationship.

You should be looking for people here... I think we're more your type.


You can PM me if you want. Just as a friend though.

I've thought about that. I dated one girl who was quite aspie and she really appealed to me. I appreciated that she didn't get overly emotional about most things, and she didn't criticize me for being the person I am.

Thanks for the PM invite. I feel like I'm finally making friends here instead of just posting.