I am breaking down

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This is my first BBS post about having aspergers problems. I typically do not even like to talk to people over the internet just as much in public. I met a new friend. I have not had one in over 4 years just have my family. I am male and she is female. I am 25 and she is 16. She lived next door to me for months and one day i decided to talk to her. At the time i thought she was much older. I saw her around the house during day hours but it turned out she was home schooled. Though it did not bother me. I for some odd reason approached her and became familiar with each other. We started hanging out mostly at her mothers house watching movies and surfing internet on are laptops her mother was always there. Which seemed right sense i am much older. We had a lot in common. I went to the movies with her and a few other places. I paid for everything and I saw no problem with it. I had the money and I was the one inviting. I also purchased a internet account for her of a service i use. I bought some cloths at the mall were we watched a movie. I bought her a beenie or whatever those sock things you put on your head. This was a rare event for me sense I had not purchased cloths in a long time and only like to have very small amount of them. Not to mention I hate malls and well the general public. I had a business that required me to have digital cameras. So I had a extra one that was sitting collecting dust for well over 6 months I let her take it. At no time did she ever ask anything from me. When we went out i ask her mom first and told her were we where going. There was 2 instances the beenie and a internet account that she did not know i purchased for her. We did come over to my place a few times to watch anime. Her mom knew everything about it way in advance and was ok with it. I think that sums up the beginning to lead you to now.

I get a email saying she was grounded and could not come over that night. Fine by me I did ask her to give me back something I lent to her and just have her mother bring it over the next day. I was initial going to get it back the night she got grounded. Well her mom shows up the next day and has a bag with several items even items that I lent her. I was a little confused. She even gave back dvds I lent for her and her mom to watch. She seemed cheery and did not indicate there was anything wrong. As i was pulling out the items there was a envelope with a gift type card. There was 30 dollars and a note. Well after reading it I cried for awhile. I was so jumbled I really did not understand the letter to its fullest. I had to have my mom review it. She said I did nothing wrong but she my mother I should expect positive feedback. I really did not get it other than it crushing my feelings. To sum it up it talk about her daughter understanding boundaries of a friendship and a balance towards outings movies, etc. Then ending with "as a mother it is up to me to guide her through some of life's lessons. Sometimes we need gentle reminders." Did not seem gentle to me. Her mom knew about all this way in advance. She put money in the envelop 30 dollars. Well i was very insulted by that. Not to mention that would hardly cover a cost of a single trip to a movie and lunch. Why did her mom wait until now after all this accrued in advance and approved by her. Why was it a letter and why did she come over and say nothing but cheery words and give me a this awful letter. I sent two emails talking about the event to the daughter. The first indicated that they thought they were taking advantage of me. That seemed a cover story sense I was the one offering and asking to do to stuff. The letter stated none of that either. Neither of them ask anything of me. Second well I deleted it before I actually retained it to memory. But was something about me being wealthy. I do not consider myself wealthy. I obviously made more income than the daughter and her mother to. Neither crossed my mind until i read that. It is my money I will spend it any way i want to. Her mother had all rights to refuse and not let me spend money on her but after she knew and let it happen seemed odd. She only replied two emails indicating the situation. I sent several emails about a hobby we were into and was purely hobby related. I have not gotten any replies to those.

Haven't left the house in days. I do go out late at night to travel to my parents to have them handle the shipping of my stuff. I am terrified to run into the two of them. Though that is not the full reason I am scared to leave. So much changed that day it has completely thrown me off balance. It has me questioning everything about people. Going over previous conversations trying to figure out what i did. Constant chest pains. Becoming even more upset and flustered do to the changing in my daily life. Having trouble functioning the way I was before all this. Everyday is getting worse. The pain is starting to become intolerable. I do not know what to do.

This rant is long but I needed to get it out rather if it is read or not.

If everything you wrote is true, you'll probably never know exactly what caused the reaction from your neighbors. Mom and daughter had some kind of psychodrama amongst themselves and your the victim. This happens every day in the NT world. Have you ever watched any of those Lifetime channel movies with all the soap opera story lines. Did you ever notice none of them are about Aspies. Honestly, they live in a very effed up world we'll never understand. We do tend to blow things out of preportion when it comes to NT's reactions. I wouldn't worry about it. You lost a friend, but it's their loss not yours.

Thanks for the positive words and a very insightful outlook you provided.

I know this is hard for you. It must feel like you have been mislead, like you have been lied to, trapped into doing something.

I just found out about the existence of Asperger's last night, and it set a bomb off in my head. It was like someone had written a transcript of my life.

You are not a bad person. You have not acted wrongly. You may have acted in a way which caused these two to shut you out, but that is not the same as doing something evil or wrong.

I know that there was no malice in your actions, and I'm pretty sure that everyone else here thinks the same.

I think that the mother is a disturbed person who keeps her daughter isolated on purpose. She is jealous of the attention her daughter gets. Be that as it may, I recommend that you do not try and contact either one again. One thing I had to realize is that other people can be very unhealthy, and the problem does not always rest on your shoulders.

You have shown great courage in initiating contact with her in the first place, and I know how much it means to make a connection with a girl after years of solitude.

In time, your social skills will get better, and your natural intelligence and depth of character will help you out. There are a thousand different tips I can give you in order to function better in social situations, but for right now I don't want to tell you what to do; I just want you to know that there are others out there that understand you.

I know it may sound perverse, but the kind of pain you are going through can actually be beneficial in the long run. Pain has a function. When you put your hand on a hot stove, you feel pain because your body is being damaged; your body is telling you to take your hand off the stove.

You are not insane. In fact, we are too sane for our own goods! When we bridge the gap between the lies we tell ourselves and the truths we know deep down, there is pain.

I want to make a deal with you. If you hang in and keep a running play-by-play of what is going on inside your head, I will be here to do anything I can for you.

You are a brave man to say what you have said. Talk it out, even if you don't post it here. I have found that talking to myself, lecturing to an invisible audience (like a radio host) helps me to identify the emotions I feel and to organize my thoughts.

One thing I have found therapeutic is to try and identify AS people in music and movies. That way, I can see myself reflected in the very fabric of the society in which I find myself, that I am not alone.

David Bowie- Rock and Roll Suicide is a song which has helped me to get through many dark times.

One more thing - it is okay to cry. This was a very hard thing for me to do, since I was never allowed to show emotion as a child. I felt guilt and shame for my sadness and frustration, which caused me to feel bad for feeling bad.

Just so you know, I work as a bouncer - I'm 6'3", 220 pounds, I've won gold medals for beating the crap out of people, and sometimes I cry like a baby without knowing why. Emotions are not weakness, they are another word for instinct.

When you feel bad, you feel bad for a reason, and there are two ways you can go; towards healing and pain, or towards insanity and numbness.

Will you please tell us more about yourself? Your story is interesting.

I think it most likely that the mother was afraid of her young daughter getting to close emotionally to an adult male. In the mind of a worried mother, she was probably also afraid that the girl would start getting close physically. NTs also tend to be afraid of people on the autistic spectrum, as if we can't control ourselves and because they think our minds are extremely childlike. If she thought of you as an adult, she would have spoken to you like one, but instead she was patronizing and false. Don't spare a thought for the mother, it's not worth your time or emotion. As for the daughter, I'm sorry that you lost a friend, but it's a sad truth that most of the world would have considered your friendship socially unacceptable because of the age difference.

Here's hoping you meet more good people soon, who will become real friends to you. And in the meantime, the people on WP are pretty nice, too

Salvage?
Cameo, I never really thought of it like that. Also that is great chance that is it. Also the other 2 replies were very helpful. Thank you!

Still beating myself up though. I have let them be and done everything to avoid them to prevent any problems. Though considering about explaining I have Aspergers through a email explaining it and even tell her to google it. Then if that is not enough I will have my parents come over and tell them why I act like I do. If that is not enough I will schedule a appointment with a therapist that is currently helping me and he can tell her. I would also including the parents and therapy part in the email. If it is some sort of NT thing on there or mother's side. They should see the perspective of the AS side. Life is cruel and unfair. I know that though. But doing what I always do which is run away or avoid this situation seems that needs to stop.

(1) Explaining I have Aspergers. Follow through with this?

(2) Would Cameo's first two sentences make it hopeless? Possibly making the situation worse if the daughter has become emotionally involved.

I do not want you to make my decision WP. But would appreciate your opinion.

You've done nothing to reproach yourself for, Otakucore, but I think it'll be in your best interests in the long term if you can let this drop and ignore both the mother and daughter.

Cameo is probably right and the mother has made up her mind that her daughter was becoming emotionally close to you, regardless of how the daughter truly feels. Maybe they had an argument and the daughter brought up your name as someone who understands her, which set off warning sirens in the mother's head. Whatever.

Having made up her mind that she needed to put some distance between you and her daughter, she went right ahead and did so, regardless of how you would take it. I very much doubt nothing will change her mind now, and she will consider your pushing to explain about Asperger's or to retain contact with the daughter as confirmation of her suspicions about your relationship with the daughter.

I think you have to write this one up as a learning experience (Kurtz has some great advice in his post) and don't allow your equilibrium to be upset by the mother's reaction. I don't think there's anything you can salvage, so instead be proud of what a good guy you are, hold your head up, and try to put it behind you.

Macallan thanks! I do not even know what was going in my mind. So glad I decided to post here and get a response. That would of been a big mistake sending that email. Sometimes I get so irrational and just react without thinking it through. Feeling much better now just needed a few days to adjust back into my routine life. Whither it was gender,age,money or jealousy I might never know. Though I must move on and hopefully another opportunity for a friend will come again. Appreciate all the help.

Otakucore

Gosh - you people are amazing. I agree Otakucore, you did nothing wrong, I am sorry you lost your friend. I agree with everything that has been said - I wish I could say it with the same level of eloquence. People on this forum seem so nice. Take care otaku - do you have other supports in your life that might help you to make some friends?

I don't think you did anything wrong. I have seen that a lot of Aspies like ourselves feel more comfortable socializing with people much older or much younger than ourselves. This most certainly can be misunderstood by NTs. The part about the money really sucked. I would certainly felt patronized and insulted. I have gotten to the point that if people try to patronize me, I flush them out of my life. I don't have to take s**t, and neither do you.

This is a very sad story. I know some people would say a 25 year old man who befriends a 16 year old girl would only have bad motives but this is obviously not true in this case. Sadly, the mum probably wants to keep her daughter isolated.

I've had a somewhat similar situation but in reverse, befriending a younger man with Aspergers. Some people told me it wasn't appropriate because I was nearly old enough to be his mother and that I should be friends with women my own age. Well, being Aspie myself means I don't "connect" with very many women at the best of times. Nothing "wrong" went on but he has now moved away and the aspie group we went to fell apart because he was like the "glue" that held it together.

The money thing was certainly insulting. The mother probably thought she was being noble and fair in "paying back" for the treats for her daughter but of course it would hurt. She's forbidden her daughter to reply to his e-mails. I hope her daughter can get out of her clutches but it will take time.

I did feel patronized and insulted played a big part in the melt down. Your right I should not have to take it. Hard thing was it was her mother doing it and not her. So it was harder to flush the daughter out.

I worry about the isolating. My brother and his wife live close by. They get out in the front yard a lot. They told me they only see the mother now.

The age/gender never even once thought it was inappropriate. Still do not either. But your right Pandora. I realize that most people do now.

I might of made a mistake not really worried about it though. I often like to quote famous people and research quotes that relate to my situations. I put them up on a private page. But it is not private to people on my list. Which very few are but she was. I think she read them to. But maybe it will be good cause they were meaningful and touched many things about friendship, sharing and worry.

I and doing my best to move on and remember the experiences and good times we had during the friendship instead of the aftermath. I will be honest it is not easy to move on from a friendship I valued dearly. I think it will hurt for awhile. But at least all the kind help from WP has eased my pain.

Please don't think that I meant this particular situation, otakucore! It will take time to heal from this, I know. I guess I was referring to those random acquaintances that we are subjected to sometimes, who take the liberty of trying to "fix" us without our consent. You had no desire to flush anyone out. Looks like it was them doing it to you.

did the parents know about you?????????

cause honestly... i wouldnt let my 16 yr old daughter hang out with a 25 yr old guy.

i know i dont know the situation really... but i bet it's just parents looking out for their daugheter in the only lamo way parents know how to.

it's probably best too cause if you havent had any other sort of relationship on any levl... starting a "friendship" with jailbait probably isnt a good idea. even if you dont develop feelings for her... she easily could for you.... and it's just not good

yeah man you need to protect yourself and stay away from people like this in future. You may have good intentions but other people may not know that and in such a situation people will assume that you are wrong. Its unfair but thats how people are.

Sedaka you must of not read all of my starter post. Or much of any of the rest. But yes the mother did and I gave the mother notice ahead of time if we went out and most are time was spent with the mother. To me gender, age did not even cross my mind until it came to the end. I just wanted a friend and now I do not /cry

Now I have gotten the the other side of how people think on WP. Think I appreciate that comment cause I realize how other people would take it. Maybe she did develop feelings but we already talked about that to. I think either on WP or my parents. My parents believe its jealousy that her daughter was getting more attention and the mother has problems. Also stated in other posts.

I wish we did not live in a world like this


I just read your catcher in the rye above your head. Maybe I was trying to catch her before she fell off the cliff. Then again maybe I am still in the rye and she is off the cliff. Thats just a silly comment. Great book by the way.