It hurts to have AS

Post Reply New Topic

For years, I have been in denial about my having an ASD, but after reading about Asperger's Syndrome, remembering what my father told me after the movie "Rain Man" came out (that I had been diagnosed as borderline autistic at age 3, and realizing that I have long felt different from other people, I came to the conclusion that I might have AS. I am fully aware of the positive aspects of AS, but what I just can't get past is the amount of hurt that I have suffered throughout my lifetime because of my AS--from bullies at school, from my father, from people who are close to me (including my wife) who have misunderstood my behavior. It hurts to be misunderstood. It hurts to be told when your behavior is rude or inappropriate when being rude or inappropriate was not my intention. I feel embarrassed by all of these NTs not only confronting me, but also poking fun at my behavior. For me, it just plain hurts to have AS. I am glad I found this board to be around people who understand where I am coming from. I would also need some pointers on dealing with those people close to me who still do not understand me and my behavior.

I agree, it does hurt. but as far as what to do.... I havent got a clue. Im waiting on a book to come in that is supposed to have some good stuff in it for adults with aspergers. I will let you know if its any good! I do wish you the very best though.

You are not alone.

Many others with AS know how you feel. Many others without AS (yes, even some NTs) also know how you feel.

You are not alone.

Dealing with those who do not understand you takes time and patience. But if you can stick to it, and learn forgiveness, good things will come.

I agree that it hurts, as well. There are some things about certian feelings, that I cant discuss with NTs. For example, the questions would be, ("Why did you rescue that bottle, when there's enough drinking bottles around here?" "But it's the colours of the Union Jack!") ("Your grieving over a Bus? That's not a person, that's an object. Christ, your weird!" "It's a Routemaster, the Bus of London.") ("We were having a good conversation and now you bring up your Jelousy of your Sister. Where does your younger Sister come into this discussion?" "She was encouraged to reach for the Sky. I was put into the Idiot's Job Search programme in College, where I've met a lot of LOSERS!")

First some affirmation on top of what others have written here: you're right. It sucks. Big time. It hurts. I've been there.

Secondly, like the old saying goes, 'know thyself'. If you realise you have AS and accept it, you're at least halfway there. Now you have to figure out your own behaviour compared to 'neurotypical' ('normal') people and change a few things but also be able to explain the things you can't change or when you make a mistake. I've done that with friends since I figured out I have it.

Hang in there.

I have found two things to be helpful:
To be able to give people a written list (there are a number of these on the web) of ways to understand AS behavior.

To limit my time around people who don't want to understand.

I just sat here trying to think of something to say for 10 minutes. I couldn't, then almost didn't reply.

Maybe some plain sympathy will help though.

I know how it feels, as do most, if not all, here. Did you ever see the old Bill Murray movie, I forget what it's called, about the psychiatrist and his patient? "Baby steps" can be helpful to think about. For me if it's a forest for the trees situation most of the time. Even when thinking about something like this, try to do it in little pieces... baby steps.

You'll find a few select people in your life are interested, somewhat understanding, and easier to be around than others. Try to cultivate these relationships, they are very important. If you don't have any now (I don't at the moment, just drove one away recently ) you will meet some of them eventually.

Just do the best you can, each day.

Addressing the tangent-a couple months ago I got a just-published book called Solutions For Adults With Asperger's Syndrome (by Juanita Lovett). Had such high hopes for it & was disappointed. Reluctant to criticize what seems a well-intended book about AS, and maybe it's "just me", my response is not representative of sample. With that disclaimer, I found this book to be vague & repetitive & nothing new. Perhaps my expectations were too great-maybe.
Sorry this is off the main point of thread.

Feel better. Some of us are the epitome of misunderstood!

<333

Almost every post of yours makes some kind of reference to how you are so intelligent, but everyone else thinks you're stupid. Instead of complaining about it constantly, why not try getting to the bottom of the problem and doing something to fix it?

Why do people think you're mentally impaired? Don't say "because they're NT's", "because they're jerks", "because they don't understand AS", etc. If this is a widespread problem where you are finding that many people feel this way about you.. well it's probably more you than them, to be honest.

I'm not saying you're ret*d (in fact I can tell by how you write that you are intelligent), but it seems like you're behaving in a way that leads people to that conclusion. I don't think it's an AS thing, either.. Most of us are socially awkward, have odd interests/obsessions that we like to talk about at length, etc. Personally I've been called odd, eccentric, overly shy, "in another world", socially inept, clumsy, etc.. but never unintelligent.

You really should figure out why people don't think you're very bright, and also do things that emphasize how smart you really are. How about doing something with your life that's related to your interests? For instance, considering your obsession with England, perhaps you could get a job as a travel agent and help others visit their favorite countries. Or write a newspaper column covering international affairs. Something like that would be a respectable occupation where you could put your interests to good use, and it would get you a lot of respect from others as well. But complaining about the problem won't get you anywhere, and it really just makes you look worse since you aren't actually doing anything to prove them wrong. Just my 2 cents.

Most NTs don't understand us, and don't want to, and a lot are jerks but rearden has a point. Don't pretend to yourself that you don't have AS but you will be happiest when you learn to accommodate normal people (meet them halfway), and when you've done that, carve a niche for yourself in their world and can live independently.

Part of doing that is realising that some of the problem is with us, either personally or because of the AS. (Here lies the difference between accepting the AS and using it as an excuse to hurt/offend people on purpose, be lazy, etc.) Nobody's perfect! The solutions are as unique as each of us is.

Of course it works both ways: the normals should try to meet us halfway as well.

If you try and they still don't accept you, shake the dust from your feet and move on. (Which you can do once you're on your own, a goal to reach for.)

It isn't easy when your constantly misunderstood by others. But don't change for others, just countinue being real and who you are. Honestly I think most NTs are ret*d, but that just happens to be the majority of the population. All of us most remain strong and not let the ignorance bring us down. Just find that internal voice inside and let it guide you. That my advice I give for a struggling aspie.

I would like to thank you for that bit of direction. I was vaguely offended, at first. The reason that I was underestimated by my Folks, was becuase of my first IQ Score. I wasn't as verbal as a Five Year Old should be. It's now in the 110 to 120 Range. I guess that my Parents have taken the early Score very seriously and that's why I've ended up in the Programme that I did, at 18 to 20. Also, I was pretty much a Hippie in Highschool. I wasn't anything like I am, now. I was all God, The USA and Apple Pie. I've decided at that time in my life, that I was going to enjoy my Summers, until after I've gradusted from High School. That's when my Dad had decided that a Special Needs Work Experience Programme would be best for me. We've both did the best, with what we knew, in the Early 1990s. I feel that the only good thing that's come out of the whole College ordeal was the fact that, I've found my Real Pesonality, such as the one that I'm very well known for, in the Wrong Planet Community. There was actually only one loser that was in that Programme with me. The rest of the Students were pretty Groovy. I tend to get a little snarky, around this time of the Month. If you've read my original response, it might have seemed like a Personal Attack. That's why I've changed it around, a little. When I've started out in that Programme, about 2 months shy of 19, anything seemed possible. I thought that I was going to be placed in a good Job, that suited my Personality and my Tallents. Than they did a U-Turn and placed me in a Factory for my last Work Experience. They kept on me to take a Job in that Factory, if I was ever given the Offer. I took the Job Offer, in spite of them, to show them that I wasn't "Too Sensitive", as my Job Placement Officer had gotten a kick out of describing my Personality to be. I took what I could get, because I was desperate. I was given the Plum Job of the Building, and I didn't like it. I've started having Flashbacks about my Early Childhood, whenever I had to face the Mindless tasks in front of me, and as I was doing them. The Flashbacks have gotten so bad, that I've developed Psycotic Depression. You're right, maybe I should find a Job that's suited to my Personality and Interests. My biggest fear is that my Provincial Government would cut off my Disability Cheques, if I was making over a certian ammount of money, every Month. It's like a Catch 22. I would like to thank you for your Insight. That's all I have to say.

The frustrations of AS can sneak up on us when we are least expecting it.
I try to look on the funny, ridiculous side of life. Look for AS humour. There is some out there and it's pretty cool.
I don't like to be "NTist" but I do like to say that we on the spectrum are a pretty special bunch of people and the world wouldn't be the same without us in it. It needs us.

know what hurts more? when you are misunderstood by the people who should understand.

Very true...especially when those people are your parents.