Numb...

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Heh, sorry if this post is really tedious to read. It may sound like a bunch of rambling, abstract thought, but I need to f*****g share with someone. Anyone. I'm so tired of not speaking. I know that's my own damn fault, but frankly I've had it with the people I go to school with, and I don't really want to share anything with them. I trust strangers on a web forum more than anyone in my day to day life.

So tonight I went to an orchestra concert at my school. I got all gussied up and even wore heels for the first time in years. These f*****g shoes are crap, my heel comes out every time I take a step, but they're quite pretty (velvet wedge heels) so I figured I'd just tough it out. God, what a stupid idea. There's ice and snow everywhere. I sliped and slid across the parking lot like clumsy little Bambi on a frozen pond. When I got in the school, I continued to wibble wobble on the flimsy little heel. I even crashed into a random group of girls . God I'm a weirdo. They said "Are you alright" and I just kept on walking as if I never encountered them. I don't look anyone in the face any more. I wander on like a zombie. Don't answer to no one.

I sat in the back of the orchestra room, just staring off into space. Two boys were blatantly making fun of me. I didn't care, I just continued to stare at people's knee caps. f**k everyone. I give up. f**k, I don't give up, I've never tried.

I hardly remember picking up my instrument. I just played a bunch of notes mindlessly. I wanted to pass out under the blazing stage lights and make a scene. Maybe I just want some attention. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

On the way home, my hands were shaking from starvation and the back of my neck was aching from the strain of fighting against a hunched spine. I dug the clumsy f*****g heel of my shoe into the floor of my car and gradually appied pressure to the gas pedal. I needed to exert myself some how to break the droning sensation of numbness. I may have plowed through someone, I don't know. All I could sense was the tug of my car as it accelerated and the vibrations of music blaring. I don't want to hurt anyone, just myself. It's selfish to drive while emotionally unstable, I know . I vow to never do it again. I could never be one of those people who drive 60 MPH on the freeway in the wrong direction just to collide with someone in order to commit suicide. I'd ram my own stupid ass into a tree or off the side of a cliff. I want to starve, have promiscuous sex, bleed. I want to be broken. And I've been so happy the past few months, shame...It's cold as f**k out, but I want to lay in a full, undisturbed mound of snow until I fall into a stupor, though I already felt like I'm in one.

Okay, I think I'll end here. I really need a hug. I want to bury my face into someone's collar bone and absorb their body heat, their energy, their life. I don't want to hug my parents, or anyone close to me. I want to hug someone in darkness, someone I don't know. I want the intimacy of silence.

I guess I could use some words of optimism, or if anyone cares to share a similar experience, be my guest.

For whatever it's worth to you, consider yourself hugged.
I know that numbness well. I know it's hard for me to break out of. Sometimes I don't bother, and just let myself be numb until some other feeling comes over the horizon. Sometimes I just sit in one place and let the world happen around me, feeling disconnected from it like some invisible spectator. I have been through this more than a few times. It passes.
I've done some things I shouldn't have done, in the past, just to feel something other than numb. That's never a good idea.
Hug.

I'll get days when everyone I see looks friendly, familiar... known, or at least knowable. Then there are other days when all the faces appear hostile and menacing. I know intellectually that this has more to do with what state I am in than with these people's intentions. But it's a feeling that's hard to shake.

The image of a vast, flat, snow-filled plain on a quiet, clear, cold winter's night is a good basis for a meditation. But before you sit, have a hot drink and something to eat, then wrap yourself up in a quilt. Close your eyes and imagine the peace and silence, all sound muffled by snow, the stars shining in the sky. Feel yourself held in a cocoon of warmth.

Wishing you well, beautifuloblivion.

You sound understimmed which probably caused your anxiety problem, and need for attention You aren't alone; that's me too! All these things (not yours, but I get it... I want to run for miles in a wide open field, scream lous, dance around, sing out loud and pratise acting and fall asleep outside and have nothing and no one bother me, and stuff like that)... I want to do to stimulate myself too! It's killing me sometimes that I can't!

Thank you very much for your responses, I took them all into consideration . The feeling of indifference did indeed pass, life goes on. I guess I'm fortunate that the only issues in my life are ill fitting shoes and social awkwardness. I overreacted and gave in to my emotions. The best thing to do when that happens is what you said, SleepyDragon; collect your thoughts and regain a sense of reality through meditation.

I have days like that at work ,where I'll be monsterously blunt about everything said to me,
normally I'm kinda "Well...." and "Maybe..." adding hope to some of my customers,
however thatere are some days where I'll just... not care...
I know how that is.

I'm glad that this feeling of indifference has passed for you.

I understand how you feel when you say that you feel numb. I have felt like that many times before.

It's almost like you feel as if you are just existing, watching the world go by and not being a part of it. Not caring what others think, just continuing to do what you need to get by. It's a terrible feeling...but once it's over, a great relief.

Well, heels when you just stand are hard, ice and snow, even driving, get some sensible shoes. Bring heels in a bag, put then on just before going on stage, and take them off as soon as you leave.

When I hold you close to me in the darkness, it throws me off when you keep changing highth.

It feels like a very embarassing error, I am hugging the wrong stranger.

I want to feel your body heat pressed to me in the dark, so please be the right size,

You are my perfect stranger to hug so firmly they think they might break, there is a place for you.

You must eat to have the strength to make it, I want the chills and shaking to come from my enbrace.

Do it right for me, I will be waiting for you always.

I understand.

Enclosed, a few extra hugs to use as needed.

Yes, that's exactly how it is.


Good idea . Oh, and thank you for your post. It was very beautiful.

I'll admit I probably ain't much help at all, but *Hug*

I know the feeling of numbness and immense frustration... and it can suck.

I do hope you'll be ok soon... if you want to vent about anything, be my guest and pm me. I'm happy to help people out if they need to be helped. Heck I know I do my fair share of venting.

I wish you good fortune.

The title of this thread reminds me of a song.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s8ZseByNVA[/youtube]

hope your feeling better and if I can ever help you feel better in anyway even though I'm new and don't know you all that well I'm always here.

It is really fun to lie in a pile of snow as it perfectly wraps around your body. I almost fell asleep in my neighbor's yard once doing that.

It was always really painful for me whenever I had a school event. I am so glad high school is over.

It's interesting that you mentioned you trust strangers on a forum more than people you actually meet. People rarely care about what you are feeling and will probably only listen to you to not seem rude. I found wp to be a great place to share with people who are more similar to yourself. Also, only the people who care will actually respond.

I guess you are feeling better now so that's good.