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I have no idea what I want in life

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SilverProteus
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17 Dec 2007, 3:26 pm

I've gone to square one. I'm feeling worn and don't want to do this anymore. I look left and I see despair and enemies. I look right and I see despair and even more enemies. You don't have to keep telling me that I'm incredibly stupid, I ALREADY KNOW! You don't know how much it hurts. You have no idea how much it stings to live with it.
I can barely think anymore. I failed when I gave up a long time ago. I just want a peaceful holiday without feeling like my rib cage is closing and crushing my lungs. I wanted to quit months ago, but kept going. I shouldn't have. But now I keep thinking, did I make the right choice? What if I made another mistake? What if I regret it? What if I've just ruined my life?! Is it for the best? Deep down I don't really know.

I don't know anything anymore. What's truth and what's a lie, if people are telling the truth or lying, and I'm tired of trying to find out. I'm tired of playing games.

When I asked that there be no more interventions, it's because they were crippling me. I felt like I couldn't breathe without it being ticked off as non-compliance or acting up or tantrum or something similar. That annoyed me, and people aren't really good at ignoring. They take things personally when it was never meant to be personal.

All I wanted was a break, and not the whole world against me. What I want now is out.

God the anxiety is killing me.


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Abangyarudo
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17 Dec 2007, 4:06 pm

SilverProteus wrote:
I've gone to square one. I'm feeling worn and don't want to do this anymore. I look left and I see despair and enemies. I look right and I see despair and even more enemies. You don't have to keep telling me that I'm incredibly stupid, I ALREADY KNOW! You don't know how much it hurts. You have no idea how much it stings to live with it.
I can barely think anymore. I failed when I gave up a long time ago. I just want a peaceful holiday without feeling like my rib cage is closing and crushing my lungs. I wanted to quit months ago, but kept going. I shouldn't have. But now I keep thinking, did I make the right choice? What if I made another mistake? What if I regret it? What if I've just ruined my life?! Is it for the best? Deep down I don't really know.

I don't know anything anymore. What's truth and what's a lie, if people are telling the truth or lying, and I'm tired of trying to find out. I'm tired of playing games.

When I asked that there be no more interventions, it's because they were crippling me. I felt like I couldn't breathe without it being ticked off as non-compliance or acting up or tantrum or something similar. That annoyed me, and people aren't really good at ignoring. They take things personally when it was never meant to be personal.

All I wanted was a break, and not the whole world against me. What I want now is out.

God the anxiety is killing me.


how do you figure your stupid? I thought this was beautiful written if you were stupid it wouldn't have been.

Yes theres alot of people who want to see you fail its a fact of life. People fear their own paths and the diversion of trying to crush you helps them escape it. So why let them know they have done what they came to do? Are they really significant or is your happiness more important? You are responible for your own reality if it sucks right now make it better and that happiness cannot be built around conditional variables you have to love yourself.

If you have AS or an Autism disorder forget the stuff about it being a defect its a different wiring in a world where people are different so are you and your not any less important then they are. People use tactics to hurt eachother why? because alot of people want to be distracted from the scars that pain them its much easier to hurt someone else then to erase the hurt in your own soul. Think about this and maybe wtry looking at the things that bother you and if you can find no postives do the hard work of changing them but are you stupid... no have you lost your way a little bit... yea

Do I think your a waste of space no quite the contrary but I think you need to get back on track so you can be happy or on your way to that. Best of luck in that pursuit



lelia
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17 Dec 2007, 6:01 pm

Oh dear. It does sound like you need a vacation.



SilverProteus
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17 Dec 2007, 6:14 pm

I just feel like the carpet's been pulled from under my feet. I have no idea on what I should do or what I really want to do now. :(

That was my idea of happiness...it was my life, though ill-chosen.


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Abangyarudo
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17 Dec 2007, 10:45 pm

SilverProteus wrote:
I just feel like the carpet's been pulled from under my feet. I have no idea on what I should do or what I really want to do now. :(

That was my idea of happiness...it was my life, though ill-chosen.


in life we are constantly rechanging our focus if we have a singular focus isn't that kind of putting all your eggs in one basket. Time to deceide what's important to you and go after it. Its a hard thing to do but in the end I'd rather be happy then lazy. You'll find your way and I know the sudden shift is a hard thing to cope with but thats kinda more of situations showing you its time to reanalyze whats important and where you want your life to go.



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18 Dec 2007, 12:04 am

I feel the same way at times too.

You need a break to reflect over your life.



SilverProteus
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18 Dec 2007, 12:33 am

I've been looking foward to a break. Holidays couldn't have come sooner.

And I have quite a bit of thinking and researching to do.


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zee
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18 Dec 2007, 8:06 am

I know that feeling well, but don`t worry, things will get better if you make a plan. Don`t worry if you`re not sure of exactly what you want, as long as you are moving forward with your life, you can always shift the direction. Don`t forget to write down all your ideas and options, I find it really clears the mind. Good luck! :)



SilverProteus
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18 Dec 2007, 10:24 am

Thanks for the tips, guys. :) I'll think them over.


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18 Dec 2007, 12:16 pm

The only reality for me is personal.

Other people are mostly a waste of space, and want to talk about it.

They will tell you how to live, from their shallow and imperfect view of life.

Ignore them, they will go do something else.