think I'm almost finished

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the barrier that meant I'd never commit suicide seems to be weakening, and for some reason it doesnt really frighten me.

there's nothing left for coping. everything I find to cope, ends up screwing me over in the end. I'm tired of life handing me disappointments. there's like... nowhere to go. everywhere I go, anything I do, I'm still the same lonely individual.

Someone might tell me... "find something you love and do it"... but I'm running out of things to love. there's this nihilism setting in my mind. so there's little reason left to try and love anything. it's all so disappointing. and lonely. and pointless.

my only friend is my little brother, who lives miles and miles away and I only see him every few months, and our phone conversations are okay... but I miss him. He's the only person on this god-forsaken planet that knows me. Actually knows me.

my mom won't leave me alone about getting a job, and she's always screaming at me. I mean... her screaming isn't helping me out, it's zapping me of what will I have left. I'm a fighter, but I can only fight so much.

What the f**k do I do?!?!?!??

you really have two options...

you can live.

or you can die.

only you can make that choice...and no matter what choice you make, you have to make that decision for yourself, not do it for anyone but you. if you are deciding to live, you are doing it for you, not anyone else. same for the other...you cannot decide to die because of someone else. it has to be about you and only you.

i have this same struggle on a somewhat regular basis. fortunately for me, so far, i have kept deciding on the living choice. it has been close to the other a few times.

what has kept me going? i really can't tell you. i don't really see myself as having too much to live for really. usually, what snaps me out of it, is something that someone will say to me, or something that someone has said that has an effect on me in a positive way. and then i realize that things just might look up.

most recently, i remembered something that a friend of mine wrote, about how if life was fiction would it be a good story, and at the end of what he wrote, he says that he wants to find out what happens next...what he wrote had an effect on me then, and sometimes, like today, i'll re-read it and remind myself that yeah, maybe i want to find out what happens next too.

i know how lonely it is to be lonely. i struggle with it everyday too. and i just keep going.

that was a nice post. thank you for your reply.

How old are you? You could try and get a job you like and move out. Like, something that you do anyway, but you'd be getting paid for it. But no matter how old you are, there is still one thing that applies. Quitting isn't the answer. I am so sick of my life right now, but I know it will get better. Even if it doesn't seem like it, it will. Commiting suicide is ultimately the weakest thing you can do. That would just be giving in. If you hate your life, show it who's boss. If life seems to hate you and does a bunch of crap to you, don't make it happy by getting out of it. Life's a b***h. Be a b***h back.

Maybe you could try talking to somebody. Even your mom. Somebody is bound to understand. You can't keep stuff like this locked in. I personally know that it just destroys you and makes things even worse. Are you on some kind of medicine? Sometimes that is a side effect. If you are, maybe you should check with your doctor. That could be bad.

Last edited by TutuFairy on 21 Jan 2008, 2:05 am, edited 4 times in total.

Very good point TutuFairy. You are a freaking genius. It is an honor to be able to quote you.



(I can't get rid of this for some reason.)

Dracula,

Is there anywhere you can go for a few days to give you a break from the stress? Is there a cousin, or aunt or uncle who will let you crash on the sofa for a few days just to give you some space?

Right now, it sounds like you are crowded, and Mom isn't helping with her yelling, and it's just ramping up your frustration and depression.

Something to think about when you're calmer-if you're Aspie, can you get help through school or Vocational Rehab in finding work?

Do you have something physical to do? Running? Lifting weight? Karate? Ballet? I'm not kidding. Find something that takes the focus out of your head, and put it mindfully on moving that energy out of your body.

Clean the house. That's physical. Should shock your mom, too. Or maybe not. It might give your mom something else to yell about.

But take a break. And then find someone you can talk to who understands you, or most of you. You need an outlet, or several. Several is good.

This not feeling good--means time to do something different.

Good luck, Drac, and much metta, Rjaye.

Dracula, I do know what this feels like and there's no worse hopeless feeling. Trust me, I'm not really an emotive individuals but from what I know (I'm not expert) feeling suicidal mostly means your pain eclipses your resources; the balance is off and you're in a precarious position.

Please click on this link below and look at this site! There are alternatives no matter how bleak the situation. I've done bleak for extended periods....I have suicidal waves still. But, for you, remember no situation is really permanent. Bad, yes, but not necessarily permanent. Plus, Aspies are smart and creative - we can figure out a way.

Check out this - I hope you feel better SOON. Try really hard.

http://suicidehotlines.com/

Post back and let us know how you are feeling, if you will.


Separately, I'm an obsessive Bram Stoker fan.....love Dracula! Actually, I think I have a crush on Dr. Van Helsing - very sexy.

This is part of the site from the link (direct route for you):

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/index.html


Please click/read, okay?

Dracula, I just googled 'autism + suicide' and found this (formatting is off though):




reasons not to commit suicide

If you’re reading this, there is at least a small part in you that doesn’t want to die. Listen to it, and please read on.

Suicide is final – once it's done, there’s no changing your mind. Since you have even the slightest of doubts, you owe it to yourself to stay alive.

You can always kill yourself later, why not wait? Even if you wait just one day, you may find a reason not to kill yourself in the meantime.

If you’re feeling suicidal, you’re probably in more pain than you know how to handle. There are ways to reduce the pain, and ways to learn to deal with pain. You can learn both - either way things will get better.

Just because you’re feeling suicidal doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling.

Consider this – if you’re trying to escape from the pain you are in and seek relief, suicide is not the answer. You cannot feel relief, or anything else for that matter, if you are dead. You must stay alive in order to feel the relief you seek.

Often when feeling suicidal you feel alone. You are not alone – you found us didn’t you? Turn to your family or friends or a priest or a rabbi – anyone that will listen. If you don’t know whom to turn to, use the links on the right-hand side of this page to find resources that can help.

By terminating your life right now, you terminate your future. Consider this – we create our own future. You have the power to create whatever future you wish for yourself. But you need to be alive in order to have that future.

If you’re sensitive enough to be in so much pain that you no longer want to live, you’re probably sensitive enough to care about, and want to help others. Maybe you don’t feel like helping anyone else right now, but why not help yourself? And perhaps by not killing yourself and overcoming your difficulties you can later help someone else who is in a similar situation.

Finally, don’t do it because I’m personally asking you not to. Whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re going through, things can get better – I know because I’ve been there. Maybe I haven’t experienced exactly what you have, but not only have I thought of suicide, I tried it – thankfully I was unsuccessful and I can speak from personal experience when I tell you things can get better.

I've done things kind of like that before..... that's when I lived with my father, and had a job, so there were a lot of opportunities to chill out with others and have some beer, you know. if I were to punch life in the face, that's what I'd do... but don't really have the means to that now, here with my mother. No, I'm not on any meds.



a few weeks back I trained with dumbbells, and did push-ups until my arms were exhausted as hell. that called for stretches, which helped, and I guess I sorta got burned out on it. then I got lazy... but in retrospect, it did distract me from a lot of life's problems. I'll try out some exercise again... in the morning. I don't have another place to stay at. my relatives are so far away.

a hotel comes to mind. there's a little spending money left in my wallet... no sense in saving it, and maybe a night or two away would be enough of an escape from this nightmare. I am not using the term 'nightmare' loosely, either. That is the best way to describe it.



I'm really sorry that you sometimes find yourself in this situation too. I don't wish this crap on anyone. The website link and article you posted were insightful. Maybe it will sink in, maybe not... but it did provoke some reconsideration. A hotline might be insufficient since I have you guys. Just when I think I may be finally abandoned, there's people here that reach out. The replies here threw me off, because I was shooting pretty low with my expectations when I posted.

The replies are appreciated. I feel less alone, consequently not quite as bad. _Thank you!_

On the topic of Dracula: Always nice to come across a fellow fan. The novel really is a classic, and the 1992 movie is a great view.

If you have the time and energy for it, you might consider reading Fred Saberhagen's Dracula series (especially some of the early novels - "The Dracula Tape", "An Old Friend of the Family", "Thorn" and "A Matter of Taste"). It casts Dracula as a hero, a wrongly maligned, honourable immortal who has a romantic affair with Mina Harker and subsequently protects her family throughout the twentieth century ("Thorn" and "A Matter of Taste" also include flashbacks to the 15th and 16th century when Vlad Tepes was a mortal and a newly-born vampire, respectively). I happened to read this series when I was going through one of many difficult periods in my life, and it provided a welcome escape from reality and a kind of model (slightly unrealistic, admittedly) for struggling on.

When i'm feeling suicidal, I look at this website... www.suicidal.com
It helps...even if only for a breif moment.

This of course, is not a permanent solution. You need to talk to someone who can help you get out of this depression. You say you are a fighter...well fight for your life! Every life is precious and should be treasured. Maybe you could move closer to your brother. If he is the only person that truly gets you, he may be able to help you feel happier. In all honesty, though, YOU are the only one that knows what is best fot yourself.
Sure...you could kill yourself, take away your pain...but at the same time you would take away your chance to be happy again. You never know if things will get better or worse...no one can predict that.
Trust me, I know from experience that depression is hard...but I also know that there is hope. Remember, nothing is so bad that it couldn't get worse. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can recover...but I assure you, coming out of that darkness, with a new positive outlook on life, is worth the struggle.

I hope you feel better soon.

you are very welcome. i hope everything works out for you. just remember...you're not alone.