Self harmer

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Are there any self-harmers here? I'm a self harmer and am in a dilemma right now. I am 16 and have been dating a NT boy at college. I told him I'm a self-harmer and he knew that before we started dating. On New Year's eve (when I was alone because he promised to invite me to a party but went out with his friends instead), I felt really upset so I self-harmed and ended up in hospital. I told him and he get annoyed with me saying that he's tried to make me see how fun life is and how he doesn't want to get involved and constantly tells me that he clearly isn't helping (he is right there). Can anyone give me their views or support? This situation is really taking over my life and I have no friends so I have no people to talk to. Thanks very much .

I self-harm sometimes, but there isn't any actual cutting involved.

Could you say what actually makes you depressed, that might help.

plz, plz, plz find other ways then self harming. throw stuff, break stuff idk. Anything is beter

Er, Nico, your boyfriend sounds a bit of an *ss. Seriously- what kind of guy promises to take his girlfriend out on New Year's eve and then goes out with his mates instead. Unless he had a very good excuse, dump him fast! You deserve better than that.

Next time ring him up and rip him to shreds: let him know you're pissed off- you've every right to be! But self-harming yourself may come across to him like you are trying to use emotional blackmail to keep him tied to you (especially if you keep telling him about it).

Please don't label yourself as a 'self-harmer'- it makes it sound like there's no choice in the matter, like it's some kind of disease. It's not. Just stop doing it. Put down the pointy implement and back away. As Wilco says above, do anything else- get angry, scream, write angry letters to him (don't post them!), whatever helps apart from mutilating your flesh...

I used to cut, I now hit my arms and bite my hands a lot. I can totally understand why you would refer to yourself as a 'self harmer', because i've done it in some way since i was very young, and even if I don't do it for a long time it is in the back of my mind. Although I have found things that help me, I have not switched from internalising to getting angry, shouting, throwing things, because I am a pacifist and don't agree with it. If you don't want to be that way, you don't have to be. Clearly you have to find a way of stopping that fits with you.

I found exercise massively helpful, cycling and going on long walks really helps to clear your head. I know it sounds boring but a healthy diet and lots of sleep help stabilise mood swings. It would *probably* help you to speak to someone in your family or a doctor, I say probably because only you know that.

There seems to be a contradiction in what your boyfriend has said to you. He says he wants you to see how fun life is... but he drops you on New Years Eve? I have also had the experience of a boyfriend reacting angrily when i told him about a suicide attempt, and have come to the conclusion that anyone who would react with anger to such a thing is not worth having around. Presumbably there are things you like about the guy, but he doesn't come across well in your post, (understatement).

I had zero friends when I was 16 but started to make a few when I did some things outside of college? I'd thoroughly recommend doing something that will lead to you meeting some people outside of the education system, whatever relates to your interests.

Thanks for your responses, they've been really helpful

Basshead-There are so many things that make me depressed it's ridiculous! My main problem is other people (college especially) and I have to face them 5 times a week so that really doesn't help me. They never talk to me despite the fact that I have tried to talk to them so many times.

Lene-I've asked quite a few people about my boyfriend lately. They agree with you and so do I! Looking back, I would say he has mistreated me (that is an understatement, he doesn't contact me unless I contact him first and has photos of his ex-girlfriend in his bedroom) and if he tries to talk to me, I'll rip him to shreds like you said!
I started self harming before I met him though and he didn't have a problem with it then so I don't know why he's gone weird.
I don't keep on telling him about it either. He asked me why I went to hospital and if I was okay. I told him the truth about New Year's eve. I didn't blame anyone, I just said I was really unhappy and cut my arms. He probably thought that I was trying to blame him for it because I was supposed to be going out with him that night. He sent me 1 text saying that what I did was f*cked up and that he's tried to show me how fun life can be. He sent a 2nd text shortly afterwards saying that he cares about me and was upset I did that but can't feel sympathy for anyone who does that. He said in this message that he's clearly not helping which I think is really self-centred as I don't think he's tried to help at all.
I guess I call myself a self harmer because it's the only label I feel okay saying. I agree with what you said about it and thanks for your advice (and Wilco, too.)

sarahstilettos-I am a pacifist too and I always internalise my anger apart from when I self harm. I do exercise everyday but my diet isn't too healthy and I am not getting much sleep lately. I'll follow your advice. I self harm to remind myself that I still exist. I know that sounds silly but people are never interested in me when I try talking to them (I always ask about them and their interests, compliment them, etc.)
I agree that he's not worth having around. He should be trying to help, not saying he doesn't want to be involved. If he was in the same situation, I would go out of my way to help him. I feel quite cheated by him really .
I go to a youth club for people with Asperger's where I have some friends and I want to start bellydancing so hopefully I will make some good friends. I also did yoga for a short while and I hope to start again soon.

I find it really helpful reading your comments and talking to you all on the forum. My self-esteem rises an inch upon every visit.

Forgive me for asking, but what is the reason for self-harming? I know "depression," but what exactly is the thought process? I am curious and have always wondered.

However, one thing is for certain, and that is your boyfriend is a little prick. You deserve better.

Nico,

Your boyfriend really sucks... instead of self-harming you should be harming him - no ... not really. Just don't let someone else make you hurt yourself because they're already hurting you.

Self-harm is a form of stimming as well as anger management. You should probably try to look up other ways to do these. I don't know if you can change, not being much of a harmer myself.

If you must self harm, perhaps have rules on how and where it's done. eg: no blades... and near a trustworthy friend.

Please take care.

Is it? Can you explain that a bit more? I'm just interested.

It's really hard for me to explain but I'll try to give you my reasons for doing so. I self-harm to distract myself from the mental pain I am feeling and I feel quite relaxed after doing it. It's also a way of proving to myself that I am capable of doing something. Sometimes I self harm to punish myself-like in your post you said I deserve better than my boyfriend. I agree with that and everytime I thought that in the past I would feel like I was being big-headed.

Yeah, he's a ... word that I can't exactly say.
He's an imbecile.
I always pronounce it wrong.

Anyhoo, dump him. You certainly deserve better.

I don't have much detail on the anger management side of things, it's just that it seems to be part of what Nico is doing to control her anger/depression.

As far as stimming goes, it's probably best that I redirect you to a blog entry I did on stimming. It also has links to Wikipedia (which I know a lot of people don't trust but which I happen to consider reasonably good).

Blog Entry: What is Stimming and what does it feel like?

I never knew that self-harming was a form of stimming-that was a very interesting blog that you wrote, gbollard. I usually stim when I listen to music by clapping my hands.

I start college tomorrow and I'm quite worried because I usually see him in the library (where I always go during lunch) on Mondays, meaning that I have to face him. My plan right now is to ignore him and only talk to him if he talks to me. If that happens then I will be completely honest with him about how he's made me feel. If he doesn't talk to me, then I am going to ask a girl in my English Literature class to give me her opinion of the situation. I got to know him through her and she is a really nice and level-headed person. I might get her to talk to him if she feels that might help.

Good luck Nico, he might have a good excuse, but he probably doesn't or he would have contacted you by now.

OK, that's opened my eyes a bit. I had always found the widely publicised explanations of self harm seemed to miss something out for me, and I think that just might be it. It gives me a bit more of an idea of how I might manage to stop completely in the long run, possibly by trying to divert onto a harmless stim.

Nico that sounds like a plan. No doubt if you split up with him it will be difficult to start off with, I hope you're not dissauded.

I doubt he has a good excuse, he probably blames me and thinks I'm trying to make life difficult for him or something stupid. Thanks for the good luck, I will definitely need it.


It does feel really difficult right now. I feel quite empty about life but not too sad about our relationship. Since he ignored me half the time, he didn't give me much to miss about him .

I'll keep you posted about what happens, something will happen tomorrow or on Tuesday.