I think that I am not going to make it.

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The breaking point will come this weekend. My car is dying. It needs several hundred dollars worth of work done on it. My sister insists on us driving that car to our mother's place, almost two hundred miles away, so with the symptoms and with her kind help, I have a good idea just about where and when it will break. It will break on a lonely road so far away from either place that I will not be able to pay to have it towed.

I went without a car for over two years largely because my sister kept taking the money that would have bought me another car. It even started with putting money into fixing the place that we were living in when we got back together. I had enough money to buy a car then and I admit that I was careless with money.

For over a year she has simply refused to work and make any money, which has left me with buying the groceries. She has even gone as far as destroying her own bank account by overdrawing it and incurring many charges at once, and I'm buying all the food and petfood now. If she had been working she could have saved up enough money to fix her car and I could have saved up enough money to fix my car. Then we could make a trip for Christmas without risking my car and my job.

She has also refused to take her car to other mechanics to see if they could make a needed repair for a lower price. She got her estimate at the most expensive place around and won't even consider taking it anywhere else.

Some people think of "mutual support" as consisting of better things, like both adults work and contribute. Instead what I have is someone who sucks away all of my money and domineers me. I will suffer a lot of pain and misery if I refuse to destroy my car by driving it when it needs repair. I think I would rather die. Dragging my ball and chain around, I have successfully fought my way into a position where I can take more responsibility and where I need to go a little further, to increase my capacities, and this PERSON has decided to set me up so that I will know for weeks ahead of time just when I will be reset to zero, and I can watch events unfold like a slow-motion train wreck. It is much more fun to kill a man little by little, isn't it?

There is no good reason for me to endure this. It is just mental illness. Before long I might be offline for a while because it's getting where attempting to do anything with this will be totally futile. Let's hope it's not permanent. Getting the car that I have was a "last chance" sort of thing.

She gives orders and I obey. She knows she has me by the balls. She will crush those balls, too, a painful squeeze at a time. She really does hate me. It's no wonder men drink.

Last edited by Remnant on 16 Dec 2007, 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Man....
I went through the same kind of deal with my ex-wife. She really was determined to destroy me and my daughter, and it took a lot for me to rise up and throw her off, but it can be done. I have the added handicap that she drove, and I cannot due to sensory issues, so it is very hard for me to get around.
Is she ill? Does she have real issues, not like people always say "she has issues", but real issues? My ex-wife was bipolar, so I gues she was determined to destroy herself and take everyone with her.
I know not the first thing about you or your situation, except what you have shared here, but yours has some eerie similarities with my old situation. I had the advantage of being able to divorce the b****, and get custody of my daughter. But you have recourse, I'm sure. You just have to find it. This does not sound like a mutually supportive situation, just a parasitic relationship.
I am really sorry, remnant, and in a lot of ways I have been where you are. I know you don't know me, but if you want to talk, I'm here.

I've been cut off from a lot of solutions that I could have had, and it is my fault. I still feel like my sister is wrong to be the thing that punishes me for having been human and made errors. In fact I think that the punishments lead to worse errors and worse situations because they disable the person from working and living their lives.

Yes, it can be done. I have to look for answers. I can apply for jobs that I can walk to. I can refuse to use my car for the trip. I can't believe that the kind of misery that I anticipate actually forces me to make such bad decisions. If she wants to throw a fit, I'll just go away for a few hours.

Thank you, Duncan. I get into these funks where I can't think without help. For all that I read the self-help books and think I know all this new age voodoo and stuff, I see a great barrier where it comes to offending someone when I have to in order to save my own life. This is what I am up against, saving my own life and livelihood. If my car is still physically in my driveway and can be driven at all, just to move it around, I have a far better chance than if I leave it at a junkyard a hundred miles away. In fact if it breaks on the way I will probably be threatening to kill people until I get a car back or get hospitalized, and I don't care which.

It is much harder to gain control over my life when someone simply deliberately disrupts that control for no reason except to exert control over me. I am through with allowing it.

What are your reasons for staying with your sister?

Good for you. It doesn't matter about offending someone who is acting in a way, intentionally or not, that makes you feel like you do. And don't worry about her being your sister, either. Just being related by DNA does not give someone the right to mistreat you.
And I get into those funks, too.
Fight, man.

Get out of there! MADDuck will take you in; PM him!

I absolutly cant stand people who mootch off others, and then on top of that try to dominate them. You have the power, you are the one with the job, car and money for food and all. I think you gotta stand up and just confront her, tell her you are in charge until she helps out and that you will decide how to use your car, what groceries you purchase and what she will have access too (if anything, personally I dont think she deserves to eat considering the way she treats you, at least eat your food) and tell her she is not the boss and does not get to tell you what to do.

personally I have seen this in people before, not towards me cause I just dont let it happen, but I have seen mootchers and I donmt tolerate it for 2 seconds, this is why I live alone. I think if you 2 live together that she needs to pull her weight, its hard out their and you deserve to have a good life for all that you do, dont let her ruin that. Personally I would toss her out the door unless she complies with you, realizes she needs to treat ya better and pulls her weight. You have the power man, and it sucks you gotta excersize being 'crule' cause she will accuse you of something like that, but the fact is you deserve better, you are in charge of your own life and she will no longer tell you what to do or drain your assetts cause she is broke ass and lazy and dominating, and of course she only does this cause you let her and this is her wy of surviving since she has no other way then to leech off of ya.

Good luck man, be strong, you love your sister but you deserve better, I am sure you guys can work out a way to help eachother, but she needs to meet ya half way.

"Free" rent and I'm close to jobs. Unfortunately I have to commute across a busy city to get to the one that I have and the bus doesn't run the right schedule. I'm thinking that I should change to a closer job, maybe within walking distance, since it's a menial job anyway.

I shouldn't let myself get quite so down. I may have solved the car problem for next weekend, and she does actually cook, although I have to clean. But I have a plan if I can make it past a chokepoint or two. I am simply going to hide money until I have enough to leave. This place is almost too comfortable and I would just stay if I made a little bit more money.

I just don't have the money to continue doing things the way we are doing them.

Thank you for the support, everyone. It does help.

I'm going to be very blunt. I'm sorry. She's your sister, not your wife. You are being stepped on big time. get out. You've done the best you can, and now she's doing to you, because you take it. Don't have a big discussioin. Inform her very quietly that as of the beginning of the month, you're getting your own place. You change your bank account numbers, credit cards, and all your PINS. You are not married, you are not responsible for her debts. If she forges your name on a check, then stop the check.

You have to do something RIGHT NOW. Don't hide money and wait, or you'll never leave. Comfort is addictive. You'll get comfortable again. Companionship and love (of the kind you need) should be sought from a woman you meet and fall in love with, and it's a two way street. There are plenty of women in the world who are responsible, kind, warm, loving, and good "traveling companions." You just need to look and be willing to be the same way.

I don't know the circumstances, but that's my advice. And if you think about it too much, you're going ot be in trouble.

You need your own place, your own girl friend, a little responsibility from said girl friend (most women are responsible), a little love, a little sex, and a little emotional comfort.

Just do it!
Btdt

As the saying goes..."We teach people how to treat us." Let your landlord know you are leaving as soon as legally possible, then do. Your car won't make it....don't drive it. If she dosn't like it, she can leave. Make sure there us no way she can get ahold of your money. I know this is hard, but she is sucking the life right out of you. Get out get out get out. You are obiously stronger than her but she probably guilts you into staying. You did not give birth to her, you are not her husband. You owe her nothing. End of story. Everybody here says so.

I just saw, don't know how I missed it...free rent???? who pays the rent? Regardless....get out of there. Not worth it.

I think since you are bro and sis you can work this out, but she needs to see the position she is in, and what a good bro you are and make changes.

First it would not hurt her to be nice and respectful, she does not get your money, she can only ask for it, and food. I think she needs to do all the chorses around the house if she is going to live their, eat your food, consume your electric and heat and cable, internet, whatever. She can always look for a job, but until then I think you guys can form a symbionic relationship, she gets to live, eat and be comforbatle, and when you come home from work you get to come home to food being prepaired or already made and a clean house. You should get to relax and not worry about anything except going to work. That is the system I would put in place if I had my sis doing that and living with me.

Of course, it does not always work, being AS, we are too systematic (at least me, ill just speak for me) and NT's dont like that, plus and I hope this is not the case, but the mootcher for some reason will feel they are the victum and that you are being mean and selfish, but yet expect you to provide for them while they do the minimum, I dont see why this happens so much in life, I see it happen around me, but never towards me cause I would toss them out on their ass faster then they could beleive, but of course, its harder to do with family... I hope things continue to imporve for ya, she makes your life steadily easier as you deserve and all works out this weekend and for your ailing car.

I really should pack my bags and leave, but I see some possibilities for the near future that would improve things enough, and I think her basic attitude is changing. This is why I think that I should program for leaving as soon as I have a nest egg, or at an arbitrary time during warm weather if I do not. I have prospects for income. I hope to make an income that I can take anywhere. I think that I shall set all that aside by the end of May and just go.

I wouldn't complain if I could keep up with my car and everything was paid for and if I didn't feel trapped. But this isn't free and the only reason I'm doing it is because I don't seem to have any other choices. I am helping a family member. She is going to have to learn how to make it possible. She could do it so easily.

However down you are is however down you are. This is not a matter of should/should not, it's a matter of what is/what isn't. Once you can remove the added and artificial problem of ascribing moral language to your emotions, it's simply a matter of logistics.

That is how we are controlled, by others convincing us that we are immoral for feeling certain things which are common to all human beings.

Since you are a person with a strong sense of morals, you are controlled that much more. What is happening is that she is twisting your own mind against itself. The type of abuse to which you are subjected would not work on her because she's a piece of f*****g s**t. You feel guilt about leaving your sister without support, while she has no such compunction.

I hope everything works out for you, that has to be a miserable situation. In an odd but true way, the fact that you've stayed this long with her only speaks to your character and strong sense of morals. They've just been warped by someone very close to you.

My sister and my mother both threaten suicide if I don't let them abuse me; they have trained me that I am responsible for their emotional upkeep, and that if I don't do this for them, I will then be responsible for their death. That's f****d up.

This is not a pattern of behaviour that will ever stop as long as I have contact with either of them. Your sister will not stop until one of you dies.

You are quite obviously better than her. What a horrible person she is.

I'm glad to hear of your changing attitude.
Sounds like you've got some real confidence going now.

A plan...that's great!
You keep to it and you'll do well I'm sure man.
Thanks for keeping us updated on things.