I just want to vent while I can..
something thats been eating me for a while..
I fell in love with the most unique woman i have ever met, and will never again feel this way for someone..heres my story about "Audrey"..two years ago..
we met at a peace rally in 2004.
this was the first time I've actually become friends with someone the day we met.
Audrey was a very likable, loving, respectable person, everyone i knew has known about her.
She contributed her time to the community and was a self sacrificing person.
guys were infatuated with her and girls saw her as a role model. She was that special.
we talked about anything and everything...
i opened up to her as she did with me. things no one will ever know besides us.
i fell in love .
Audrey helped me with my problems , no one else understood but her..
after snooping around I learn she has a crush on me. on me!?
i made the mistake...
i confronted her about it. she started to feel awkward around me. we didn't talk as much anymore. she ended up going out with a friend of mine. i didnt want to be around them anymore.
a few months pass. she breaks up with my friend on bad terms. we start to talk again.
I travel 600 miles to go visit her at college as well as other friends. We seem to be on good terms. I feel optimistic. I want to take another chance with her.
but I don't. I felt inadequate to her persona. She was out of my league. I was a fool.
Yet we still were friends.
then..
May 25, 2006...
Its been since January since I last visited her. We've been talking to each other online occasionally since then. Sharing experiences, talking about the future. Talking about our problems and difficulties in life.
I am now faced with a decision- to go visit her and give her a ride back home for memorial day weekend, or go with my two closest friends on a camping trip which I haven't been one since I was a kid?
after careful thought I choose to go with my two close friends.
a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
May 26, 2006 , 7: 13 AM
As we are packing and getting ready to leave my friend gets an unexpected phone call.
He doesn't say a word. Hangs up and stares at the floor. In a shaking, beaking voice he says to me,
"She didn't make it man. She didn't make it back..."
"Audrey passed away in a non-contact hit and run accident on her way home from college. She was driving with two fellow classmates. A black corvette cut off thier Ford Explorer, Audrey was driving, she swerved to avoid hitting the black car and ended up flipping the car several times ejecting her from the vehicle. She died while being transported to the nearest hospital. Audrey was the only one to pass away, the other girls suffered injuries but not serious, they recovered a week later. Audrey was 19 years old.
To this day I blame myself for her death. I will never forgive myself. I could have prevented this! I could have! I weigh all the "what if's?" and i break down. I dont understand how this could happen to a person like her, i never will. I feel like such a footnote in her life. It's hard to be around Audrey's friends because I know they shared much more meaningful days together than I have with her. Whenever I hear them talk of their memories of her, I can not respond with some of my own because they are so private and reserved for only Audrey and I. So whenever I have the chance to talk about Audrey, I don't say much and come off as if I wasn't really close to her. It breaks my heart.
A year and 8 months has passed since her death. things have never gotten better. I try to do things in her honor, but I feel like I can't do much justice or live up to her reputation. She has done things that are remarkable for a woman her age. I compare my life achievements to her, and I just get discouraged and end up not doing anything at all. I mean, I want others to learn from her experiences but i feel that I'm trivializing my own.
i finally got that out of my system. i've never really talked in depth about this till now. thanks for reading.
23 Jan 2008, 4:01 am
