Breaking Down

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I think my mind is just totally going.

I have been struggling with severe OCD now for a few months, and extreme rages that are so out of control I managed to break my own cheekbone, which I have not had dealt with.

I used to have anorexia, and for some reason it has recently become an obsession again.

I have become obsessed with my weight and if anything indicates I am heavy, I go nuts... for example. my exercise bike which was secondhand started making noises when i pedal and I instantly took it to mean I am immensely heavy and beat myself and threw the bike around the room.

Even my bed is not safe, any sign of denting etc and the same.
I wont even go into the extent to which this has affected my mind, other than to say that I feel blessed if I even get an hour of rest from it.

My whole evening is taken up with exercise and obsessing in front of the mirror, with self beating when I don't see what I want.

I then end up sobbing and crying for hours because I cannot seem to break free of this.

My whole self worth has become based on how heavy I am.

And I dont even believe the scales anymore.
They say I am 130 pounds (9 stone 4) but as soon as something creaks etc, they might as well say I am 200 pounds.

It sounds so insane, that anyone could get so totally caught up in a weight obsession, but I dont know what to do now to help or even what has set it off.

My head is perpetually foggy now from all the head punching and my body is covered in bruises.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but seriously seek help right away this is your life we are talking about here
and I would hate to see anyone self destruct needlessly.

I don't think 130 pounds is fat btw, if you are female the whole cosmo magazine stereotype BS is just that total BS. you don't have to be starving to be a good looking woman. Look at any pinups from the 1940s to see how a REAL woman should look. (think of the beautiful full bodied women that were commonly painted on the sides of bombers. )

Im a 5'10 female, and my original aim was 133 ibs, but when I got there, I was not happy.
It isn't to do with looks, it runs deeper than that, it is like an all consuming compulsion and obsession.
Even when I see myself as thin, the slightest thing can set me off believing myself to weigh more than anyone else.

My rational mind cannot seem to rationalise certain things that are setting me off.

Things so... ridiculous, I will not even talk about them here.
But along the lines of quilts not staying puffy, clothing getting thinner in certain places...just things most people wouldn't even notice, I become obsessed over and use as reasoning that I am overweight.

Like I said it sounds like something you can't deal with yourself. I would seriously look into getting the help of a professional.

I weigh 9 stone 2 and I am 5 foot 3. People tell me I am not overweight.

I agree with the others, are you talking to a counsellor? It sounds like the OCD is getting out of control...

Sounds like you have been going through some bad stuff lately, it is not unusual for depression etc to get worse during these times..

I'm afraid I don't have any good advice to give you; I just want to say that I feel for you. Anorexia is something I struggle with myself, and I know what a hellish life it is. All I can think of is the one thing that has helped me; finding something else to obsess over and worry about. To make a priority of something else and class that as being above the weight obsession. Make it matter to you more than weight.

To be honest, I don’t even know if this truly helping me, but I thought it would be worth expressing the idea.

Check your inbox, Graelwyn.

- D