Suicide, right now...no, I wan't commit it...

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but that's how I feel right now....

I will turn 28 next May. On the summer of 2006 I decided to leave my parents' house because I wanted to gain my autonomy, the feeling of being an individual capable of living on my own (I know I'm am, also in this painful moment). Turns out my (hated) dad owns a house just 100 meters away. I'm not convinced but decide to go there. Laziness, weakness or whatever I keep on going to eat with my parents all this time, gaining no sense of autonomy. I have left my original group of friends, entered a new one, rejoined the first one, nevere felt really conformtable with anyone, right now I just feel alone, disoriented, angry , lately I often find myself thinking that the best thing for me is to abandon the idea of having friends. It seems that I just don't want them. But at the same time the idea of being completly alone scares me. I just don't know what to do. Significant relationship just make me feel bad.
It would be a great inspiration to hear from someone who lives better without significant relationships. Can it exist ? Maybe the only significant relationship I would want would be a girlfirend (I have had one but then she left...). But right now I tihnk that friends are just something I can't have.

Sorry for the confusion and the poor english, thanks for any advice.

hey I am not good at giving advise, but if you ever wanna talk just PM me

Yes, it's definately possible. I'm much happier now than when I was living with my parents, going to the same school, etc. I don't really have any close relationships--I sometimes hang around with people I work with, but I prefer to be alone most of the time.

But it sounds like you're used to having people you can turn to. So you can't expect that to change... could you still maintain contact with someone from your past, or maybe two or three people? That would give you something to hang on to, to make the transition easier. You'll meet new people, but good relationships take time to develop. And it's hard enough to start living on your own, but you made the right decision. Just hang in there! Good luck.

I know how you feel been there...

You really need to find some think that you enjoy to focus on...

If feeling down always good to exercise - counteracts adrenaline, also heard music is great and especially singing as it uses another part of the brain. Music and exercise have always helped me when I have been at odd with the world.

I know what its like to be surrounded by people and still be alone. I have never had many friends, and now I feel that partly the reason for this is I do enjoy my own space and not relationships that overwhelm me.

Me and my husbband have been through so difficult times, but things did not really change until I was diagnosed with aspergers and understood myself and now he understands if I need my own space, my fdifferences. There are people out there wsho could be great friend and partners, but sometimes we have to deal with ourselves before this can happen.

You really need to believe in yourself, before others do. Yes, I know its a lot easier than it sounds and it took me far to long. But what I found the more I believe in me, others do and things just seem to work.

I spent years trying to be what was expected of me, instead of being myself and of course was never happy...

But you can turn you life around, I have. Maybe it helped me not having too much support and having to be strong. But you need to be in control of what you really want to do.

Decide on what you really want from life and then take small steps towards that goal. For years I told people I was going to move to NZ, use to live in the UK - I'm here now, have a family and very happy, not saying any of getting to the point I am now was easy, but over time things can change.

The most important thing I feel is to understand and believe in who you are.
Decide what you want and make small steps in that direction, things can change and happen, but you have to be part of that and want things to happen/chanage.

I grew up in a large family, and always thought that being alone was unbearable. But soon I came to appreciate my solitude, my freedom to come and go as I please, not having to answer to anyone. When I want company, I talk to my neighbors, or go to a local meet-up group that I have joined. The very beginning of significant change can be scary, and depressing, because we can't see how it will be. If we want to change badly, we need to hang on and be patient. Soon, it will begin to get better. SO be patient with yourself. If you need to dine with your parents a few nights a week at first, then allow yourself that. My daughter took a long time before she became completely independent of me.

That's great to hear !



I can but I'm not sure I want to. I perceive them as an iconvenience (a disturbing noise to be more precise) in my life




I have more than one thing: videogames, basketball, US sports in general. When I'm into this stuff I'm perfectly fine, I don't need anything else, I'm in peace with myself and the world.




that's exactly how I perceive them



That's exactly the point




I already do, but people still disturb me






I'm sure ! !!





Thanks ! !


Edit: I feel much better now (guess you already knew that by reading my facial expression )

I dealt with some of this, I think. Now, I left home at 16, but I always wandered over there for various reasons. Food/snacks, borrowing things for the yard, to do my laundry for free instead of using the laundromat. I did do things in exchange; I'd rake leave, wash my dad's shirts, clean the house. Yet, because I was still depending on them for some things, I did lack that feeling of autonomy.

Eventually I moved farther away (now about an hour from where I used to live), thus making it completely inefficient to drive there for various things. We own a home with our own appliances now, and we make do with our own yard items and so on. I'm definitely independent now, and have been for the past seven years out here. I prefer it.

I think (as people with ASDs) we have a desire for comfort. Even when familiar sucks, it's still familiar. Familiar is predictable and comfortable. If the situations you're trying to avoid are still too close, it's all to easy to gravitate backward. I think it's about sameness.

I grew up surrounded by people, mostly because of my hypersocial dad (my dear mommy is a fellow Aspie), but I just ran away from them, all the time. The fear of solitude definitely comes from this past, a past of violence, where i was forced to do things I HATED, and hence it is an irrational, egodistonic fear I have to figt. Yeah, like you say, it's the fear of unknown that still disturbs me, but I know where I want to go.

I'm SURE I'll be happy ! !!

Once again, thanks !

Exactly. But I learned from my mistakes.