I've always been the smart kid, with a twist. I had many accomplices in elementary school, but zero friends. In grade 7, I was reading and writing at a university level. But by grade 3 I started going to school less and less, missing 10% of that year. By the time grade 8 rolled around, my mind trained me to find a way out. It took over.
Since then, every long term commitment has been a matter of will I or will I not be able to get out the door; and if I do, how far will that leap kick me down the next day or the week after that. I've never made it past 30 days straight attendance in anything -- school, work, sports.
It actually grew to a point where I (still do) wish I was stupid as hell. I'm a psychological bombshell with six years of learning random, non-book smart facts and rationale. I've been to so many shrinks that I can actually do their job for them if they struggle to get a first impression. Every single scenario in life is broken down into several layers of logic that end up going so deep, that it misleads others into diagnosing things like ADD, Bipolar, Severe Anxiety (true), Learning Difficulties, manipulation and deception.
My mom is on disability and works from home. We are inseparable, and split absolutely everything that comes in this house. No fights, no arguments. But it is my grandparents that constantly throw money at me, for doctors, private schools, and just about anything else that my mom and I may fall short on. I've been falling short all my life. I've got the people who love me the most getting their hopes up constantly for 7 years, and I've got no way to pay them back.
There are three things I've taken to hardcore in my life. Computers, driving and poker. I type 94wpm and can keep up in most tech discussions. I set a local record for cashing in 17 poker tournaments in 30 days (normally top 50 out of 700 to cash) and when I was younger I raced semi-pro F1-K go karts which has turned me into a driving prodigy of sorts.
But none of that helps my grandma, who is waiting for his little journalist to evolve. None of it helps my mom who needs me in school or work to avoid losing part of her disability cheque. I'm convinced that using this "mind lock" I could train myself to use the freedom of my own car to fix my life. It's always one small, overlooked or under appreciated thing that seems to allow me to break through and succeed. But right now, I really can't blame my grandma for not wanting to buy me a car yet.
She's finally caught up to the fact that it might fail again.
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"Free speech is intended to protect the controversial and even outrageous word; and not just comforting platitudes too mundane to need protection"
05 Feb 2008, 11:27 am
