So ...Very. ..Desperately. Alone

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I never feel lonely when I'm alone. I only feel lonely in crowds.

I have a sensory issue with the sound of many people talking at once. It is the worst, most cacophonous noise in the world, and it can make me physically ill. I have to wear enormous, conspicuous firing-range earmuffs all day every day at school. Because all socializing in school takes place in large groups, I cannot participate at all. It saddens me to watch the Others, with bright smiles and normal ears, talk to each other so exuberantly. Sometimes I feel like the Grinch, hiding in dark spaces and muttering ceaselessly about the "noise, noise, noise" down in Whoville.

As a result I am very alone. Sometimes I don't want to go to school because I know how lonely I'll be. The Others must think I don't like them. I have no friends.

Yet, away from the noise, in a private conversation with one person, I am also lonely, because I can never say anything meaningful. After years of my mother telling me, "Just tell people what they want to hear," and, "Expressing opinions is just a good way to start a fight," and, "Don't be long-winded!" I have learned to have small talk but lost the ability to say anything of substance. I feel, and probably sound, like a robot. Nice Weather. I Like The Music Of My Chemical Romance. I Read A Lot. Beeeeeep.

So every day I am confronted with being a windowless monad of a person. And it's freaking depressing. Then I think of how lucky I should feel that I have a good home in a first-world country, how my depression is disgusting and decadent, and add the torment of white guilt on top of everything else. And this is me on Prozac.

I actually like my life, but the business of crushing loneliness is threatening that.

I sound like robot as well. Beeeeep.

Seriously, there's no science to conversation. It's just talking about what you know, what you think, and what you feel. Sure, opinions might start fights, but they are also good conversation-starters. Besides, if nobody ever said what they thought about something, we wouldn't know what needs fixing.

Being long-winded is okay, too, as long as you occasionally stop to take a breath and let someone else speak.

I felt the same way as well a lot because I was shy.

Felt that way, certainly. Still do sometimes. I've made a couple of friends by now, though I still tend to be solitary.

Sounds a bit like me Miss Pickwickian.....I too, can not tolerate many sounds, especially
loud ones, and certain soft ones. I have a pair of noise cancelling headphones, that I don't
need anymore, since I moved to a much quieter environment. I still carry earplugs in case
I am confronted with loud noises away from home. There is a horribly loud ringing break
and lunch bell that I CAN'T STAND where I work. I always try to be inside when I know it
will go off. I know this is one of the reasons I don't talk much. When I do, it is softly, and
this does annoy some people. So of course, my friends are very few, only those who
are kind and tolerant.

It is much more comfortable being alone. I tend to be kind of robotic and somewhat
emotionless in my dealings with others as well. I try not to think how depressing it is
to be this way, but once in a while I wonder.... wouldn't it be nice to not have to think
twice about what kind of noises I might be confronted with wherever I go, worry about
what friends I choose, in case they might be too noisy, etc. Anyway, I just wanted to let
you know that there is one more kindred spirit out there who "gets" what you are saying.

Peace

there are certain souds that i can't tolerate as well., like beginner band concerts, children singing in a choir, and my sister playing her flute..and listening to other people's conversations....it is terrible, and i can't not listen to them....and i can't turn it off...even if they are talking about the most boring things...i can't turn it off...so i try to remember earplugs.

MissPickwickian,

werbert is a robot, and he is making fun of you.

When your mother told you to, "just tell people what they want to hear", she had no idea this place existed, or Inventor, or werbert.

It is too late now. Typing does not take earmuffs, saying, I read alot, is like, I breath often, and we do not share your weather.

You are an intelligent young lady of refinement, in your old world. Here opinions and substance are valued, also Chocolate, and shiney, spinney, blue things.

Your depression is not disgusting and decadent, here it is a social value we all seem to hold highly. Feeling nothing through the Prozac would be useless, but depression is something to work with, something we share, and a source of inspiration and humor.

You have shown great talent and self control to survive in the world of the common, a day at school would stampede this herd. You are brave and tough.

It is easy to assign roles as your mother does, do not bite and kick people dear, and other motherly advice, but you will have to express inner self and private opinion some time. Some University classes even ask for it.

I have liked you as a well spoken and reserved lady, but have been waiting for you to open up, and share some opinions, feelings, subtance, for it is a guide to knowing your identity. We do wish to know you, and become friends, but that takes something to relate to, some shared subtance.

You learned that other world, and this is your home planet, we will be much more welcoming.

this has been my life too.

and parties have been wasted on me... circling the fringes of conversation to add my 2 copper only to get no response and have the conversation bubble away from me.

and still i've gotten better at playing verbal volleyball, but i guarantee you, i'm still watching pong in my head while talking to you.

"I never feel lonely when I'm alone. I only feel lonely in crowds. "

ditto!

You don't sound like a robot, certainly not in writing anyway

Last edited by werbert on 09 Jan 2008, 12:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

I feel lonely around other people and when I think about other people.



This reminded me of something. My ex-girlfriend would ask me to hold her tight. But no matter how tight I held her, it was never tight enough. I had always thought that when you loved someone and they loved you, you became like one. Yet we never felt like that. There was always a void there that refused to be filled. We could never get close enough. And no matter how close we were, we still felt lonely.

Strange stuff.

No need to feel any white guilt. There's nothing you have done at all. I understand why you are depressed, and although when we compare our lives to others and feel as if we should feel better, sometimes that doesn't work. It seems like it's only digging you further in the rut.

Loneliness has got to be the most horrible feeling in the world, especially if you want out. Even people in 3rd world countries are happy when with family. In fact, people in collective societies must feel sorry for US and how isolated and pressurized individualistic culture is.

Pardon me for asking, but is that why you two broke up?

Not really. Her parents thought she could do better, they didn't like me. When they found out we were intimate they told my dad, who also didn't approve(Of our being intimate) so after all the prevention they tried didn't work he sent me to my moms who lived in the neighboring city. We tried to sneak it long distance(Making phone calls and my mom took me to see her a few times), but it just wasn't going to happen and she had other boys who were interested in her that her parents did approve of. I was willing to fight to stay together, she took all she could(Her parents were watching her closely and made her throw away or burn everything I gave her) and gave up finally.

Your feelings are not unique

I shoot a lot. There are good ear plugs that are comfortable and at least as effective as ear muffs.

Have a look at www.cabelas.com for >shooting accessories>hearing protection

Cabelas don't seem to have different colours, but I have seen these in flesh tones.

I hated parties, but staying at home was worse. I always hung out in the kitchen, which is why I liked this song (which I have posted before) - you're parents probably know this song - lol
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJ4-IY8Iqy0[/youtube]

Uh, what the hell? Was there a religious reason behind this?

There comes a time when parents need to shut the hell up and allow their dear fragile children to experience life for themselves. Parents learn to direct their child with everything even when it is no longer appropriate. It is truly sad.

I sympathize with your inability to connect, even when you are with someone you feel like you should be "in love with." Certainly, I have felt that way. I'm not sure if it will ever change.

MissPickwickian,

Public school is meant for the average person, and not for those with special cognitive developments or impairments. I stand by this quite staunchly. Finding a learned tutor that you enjoy being with could work wonders, someone like the Abbe Faria from The Count of Monte Cristo. I know it's a long shot, but I always learn better when being privately taught.

-Colin

P.S. Ignore your mother's "advice." People like you, me, and everyone on here have a very, very low tolerance for BS so I suggest you find the small underground of postmodern students at your school who embrace sincerity, anxiety, and alternate modes of thinking. There seem to be a few at public schools.