Just need to vent again

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So once again, my troubles have been building up in my mind like a volcano ready to explode. My schoolwork is causing me extra stress everyday, I feel like there's no end to it, I just want to get away from it all, perhaps go on a hike or just go somewhere with my friends, which is not that often. I feel like a idiot, mostly because I do idiotic things and I get scolded by my parents. I act happy and normal to people on the outside, but really on the inside thing's aren't well. No they aren't, thats for sure. I feel dumb, and I guess I am. I just lack the motivation to do things like Math. My parents say "How can you not get this" or "Come on, try harder!". I appear lazy to them sometimes, I've been called hopeless, maybe I am?

I want a job too, to give me a sense of purpose. But for some reason an idea of getting a job scares me. I seem to think I am really bad around new people, and that thought drives me nuts. I swear it keeps my up at night. I don't know where my future is going, I don't have many interests. Could it be because I have Aspergers Syndrome? I researched on wikipedia and it said limited interests are because of that, but I am not so sure.

I want to go outside (out of the house), but my parents (well, my mom specificially) doesn't want me to. I don't know why, is it because I am Autistic? They say I can't handle myself, I can't take care of myself and stuff like that. Maybe I can't. The more I think of going outside alone in the outside world, the more anxiety I get. I don't have many friends around me, in fact none at all. I don't know who to hang out with around my area. All I do is sit down in front of my desk, do homework, listen to music and afterwards, research things, play video games or rarely something else. I'm boring, I guess.

I can't approach girls I like, I'm just too shy. Sometimes I just like to look at them, but that would be considered creepy right? I try to be nice to them when they are having troubles, or when a good oppourtunity arises to help them. But otherwise, I just lack the courage. I feel shallow. I say the wrong things around them sometimes, cause I just don't know what to say to them. In fact I'm like that with mostly everyone cept my family and my close friends.

I'm afraid everyone's moving ahead of me in life and I am not. Sometimes I feel behind everyone else. Sometimes I wish I didn't have AS, I would be like everyone else. But I am not, and sadly the thought looms on me every day. I also have big anger issues. I don't show anger, but instead keep it bottled up. I sometimes think of beating people up, but I don't know the reason! I ask myself why am I angry? Is it because of my low self esteem. Maybe, I say to myself. But I would never take out anything on another person because of my low self esteem, or anything else except if they bug me.

Where will I go? What am I? What is my purpose? Will I ever find a purpose? Where I am going?

I do not know

I apologise but I just signed up like 2 minutes ago so hope this all works nicely. >.<

I have exactly the same troubles, my school work is behind and Im terrified/too unmotivated to catch up. Im in two gcse option classes and Im failing both because I hate them. I have serious trouble with relationships ( I got lucky and managed to have a few ) but I dunno, people are just so confusing. One thing that sorta helped me a ltitle bit was listen to music like "Angels and Airwaves", works as a good distraction.

I know one person near me and two or three a while away, I just don't go see them. I prefer it here, my brother mocks me a lot for it but oh well. I haven't slept properly for a few days and my eating is going downhill.

I refuse to let any negative emotions out. Mainly because my father was an incredibly agressive person. I have a massive anger inside of me, and because all the stress I was bottling up was overwhelming I developed a second perosn to feel my anger for me. Mark is his name, but uh...well....Freinds + Mark = *Back away*. I lost a lot of friends because of him.

My stress has resulted in me shutting down a lot lately and just stopping everything. Homework,conversations,acitivities, everything. My GCSE's are a matter of weeks away and I know im going to fail because I've been so damaged and well..disconnected lately.

One thing I can help you with, your so angry because of your bottled emotions. Think of them as stacking blocks. Everytime you feel angry or stressed you add a block, the higher the stack of blocks goes the more likely it is to tip over.

I've suffered from clinical depression since I was 3 (Officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist ) and I've never been able to find a purpose for my life.

Im in the middle of a war inside my head and nowhere to turn without hitting trouble.

I keep getting pockets of depression and rage. I've tried to kill myself twice recently and Mark attacked me with a knife a few weeks ago.

Hopefully the medication my psychiatrist prescribes me soon will help.