Self harming again

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I cut myself today for this first time this year, I'm really disappointed in myself. Nothing bad happened at all, I just did it. I think it's becoming a necessity for me, I feel like there is something missing from my body if I don't do it - something missing from my emotions, a kind of strange happiness.

Don't be too hard on yourself Nico. What's done is done.

Do you have a recovery ritual from when you stopped the first time. If so, I suggest you go do it. Other than that, there are plenty of people here who want to see you whole and happy.

Hopes you get to feeling better soon.

I never had a recovery ritual, I just stopped it all together so it wasn't a gradual process.
I never felt as if I had many friends on here, only a few and you're one of them Izaak.
It further pushed my desire to be something totally different to what I am now.

Yeah, I know I am not one for actually messaging people, but I do enjoy the posts of yours I do come across.

Though I don't understand that last part of your message... what do you mean by the sentence:
"It further pushed my desire to be something totally different to what I am now."

I don't feel happy with myself and I feel like I could be such a better person all-round.

That's a little general isn't it? Unless you have specific area's to improve, there's really nothing you CAN do.

And there's nothing you DO like? Surely someone who is seriously contemplating going to Cambridge is not completely devoid of good qualities.

There are so specific areas, it's just me as a person.

The entry standards for Cambridge are so high anyway, I don't think I'm good enough.

Then if there are no areas where you are particularly lacking in qualities... on what evidence do you base the judgment that you are lacking as a person?

And you seemed confident enough about Cambridge last week. And besides even if you don't get into Cambridge, even the effort that you can put into attempting it has it's own rewards. Self-efficacy and achievement. Not of getting into Cambridge but certainly of graduating well.

Anyhow, back to the specifics of cutting. Don't beat yourself up over your lapse. Just reinforce the lessons you learned that made you stop the first time and rededicate yourself to your continued refrain.

As of right now though, I am off to bed. I hope you are feeling better anyhow. And I hope what I have said at least hasn't made you feel worse.

I base my judgement firstly, on my own views and secondly, on the way other people react and talk to me.

I am 50/50 about Cambridge, I want to get in but there are so many people that want to go there and I don't see myself as having an outstanding intellectual capacity.

I sometimes don't feel i'm good enough to do some things but no-ones perfect and everyone has there strong points..

That's part of my problem, I don't feel I have any strong points (other than being able to use a knife).

Has anything particulary started this off? I lost alot of self esteem/confidence due to others although this is a different story.

I wouldn't say anything in particular has sparked this off. It's a total mystery, which annoys me as I can't explain to people what the problem is.

I used to do a lot of that cutting esp when I drank heavily. I hated myself and didn't know how to deal with my anger. Well, the last time I did it, I cut so deepily and didn't feel anything that I was rushed into the hospital. They said I could've died doing what I did. Well, it got worse and so I attempted suicide by ODing on pills and even stabbed myself. I know that sounds crazy, I had to spend half my life over suicide watch. Well, I think a lot of us females internalize a lot of our anger and depression. I was put in a bunch of programs. I hated them but after a period of time they grew on me. I started building some self esteem again. I'm not saying life is peachy now, it's taken a lot for me. I don't know much about yourself. I know that cutting at least for me, gets into a nasty habit. A lot of ppl think cutters do it for attention which that might be for some but why would we do it anyway. If you want, you can PM me if you're going through something or just want to say hi. Dealing with life's terms can be hard for some of us so we try to look for an outlet. Mine was drinking and then many bigger things. I just want you to know, you're not alone with this problem. You seem like a nice person, it would be ashame to see you go down like that. The reason I put my own experience down on cutting is some ppl don't think it's serious. For me it got out of control. Now just my scars embarass me when ppl aske about them. I hope you get better. Remember, you can talk to any of us about what you're dealing with. Nothing would surprise me if you think it's embarassing. Hope you get better.

I agree with what you said, I think females internalise a lot of their anger and cutting is just a way of expressing that. It is definitely not a cry for attention, there are a lot more ways in which I could claim attention that are a lot safer and less embarrassing.
Right now, I'm just going to talk to the people here and try to focus my emotion into words and not scars. I will come to you if I need to talk

It seems my anger is aimed inwards from time to time and i've heard it's common for people like us.