Bad day(s)

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*Warning: longish post.*

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doc, and one of the things we discussed was my reaction to something my friend did over the weekend (versus what I thought he should have done/wished he had done). At one point I told him what I wished he had said and the doc said "There's where your diagnosis falls apart. You don't sound like someone with Asperger's. You have social skills." (This is the doc that diagnosed me.)

That statement has upset and bothered me ever since. For one, I feel like she is doubting my diagnosis - like maybe I was faking it or something. The truth is, I only came up with that idea after the fact, when my friend and I had a lengthy discussion about it. It came from a book I read. I would be pleased to be able to say something like that at the time, but I am aware that I can't. I lack the skill to recognize it until afterward, thinking about it for a long time and relating it to books and prior experiences. I feel like she thinks she should take away the only identity I've ever found that fits me and helps me. I'm also afraid that maybe she will decide I don't need much help, when really I am almost constantly feeling lost at sea in the world...

Worse yet, ever since then I've been having a really bad "autism day." As in, I don't want to talk to anyone (except the lab tech I trust), I am stimming almost constantly in several different ways (rocking, leg tapping and bouncing, clicking teeth), I am slow to process and respond to conversation (sometimes forget altogether or just don't bother) and I am almost impossible to distract from my focus (so much so that I don't hear people talking to me even when it's necessary). It's almost like my brain is going, "oh, I'll prove I have Asperger's!"

I wish it would stop, and I wish I didn't have to doubt myself or doubt my trust in this doctor, who has been very good so far.

without more details on what you said to the doc....

i still think it's crap. even if you had thought that at the time of the events... it's perfectly fine (in my non-expert opinion) for you to have impressions of what you thought should have happened... i don't see how pondering what could or should have happen necessarily translates as having social skills (or rather, intuition, which is what i'm assuming the doc meant that he's surprised you have)...

i don't know what happened exactly... but it's not like you can't build off of prior experience when trying to figure out someone's motive! and it sounds like you already know about your DX, so you're aware of your weaknesses and you most likely have started actively combating it! this means that maybe you don't suck at some things as bad as you used to... not that autism ect goes away... just that you're better at coping with it. i know some things have become more doable for me ONLY because i'm more aware of my situation and take more things into consideration as things come at me.

i wouldn't worry about it too much... i have feminine health issues and have been to umpteen million doctors... none-of-which seem to agree on ANYTHING... so my faith in docs and their singular opinion isn't too high in my regard. how long ago this doc DX you? maybe they're just unsure because of their own lack of expertise? i don't know much in that department... seeing as much of my crazitude is still in my own head (not DXed)

anyway... try and cheer up... just because it's a doc doesn't mean sticks and stones can break your bones

I know; a shrink should have to see someone on several random days before diagnosing them with anything. It was a one-day thing with this quack in Montreal, Eric Frombonne, a famous autism expert. But with the University of Alberta Hospital they did it more right; they do things over many many days if it doesn't come out in the first day and even if it does, they want to make sure it really is that. They just give treatment they know the person needs on the first day, like they knew I was clinically depressed so they prescribed Celexa immediately but they didn't assume why or how or whatever and give me a diagnosis that day. It took months to get a diagnosis and that reminds me, I need to call them and ask if they finally decided on a diagnosis for me!