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I feel really embarrased to tell anyone this...

I was really upset recently. I just couldn't control myself. I... cut myself...

I didn't want to die, it was only on the arm, but... I once took this swiss army knife to camp to whittle with. It's been in my room ever since. I shoved it in a jar in my closet, but... I took it out. I used the mini-saw on my arm.

I feel really ashamed of what I did. And I know that if I wear my gauntlets to school, a dude who I don't know if I'll see will jokingly ask me if I'm cutting. And I don't lie unless it protects myself or others.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wanted to be happy this year...

I used to think this sort of thing is very rare. But I know at least 3 people who have done self injurous things of one form or another, many more if you count smoking. I can't relate personally as I have never had that kind of urge. Try not to make a habit of this. Don't broadcast this outside WP either, or most people will think you're weird.

I am also a self-harmer. Though from years ago. I feel for ya, and it always gets me to see other people get into this habit.

There isn't anything "wrong" with you, so try not to feel ashamed. But it is a coping strategy. Before you lose sight of what it is I STRONGLY urge you to talk to someone about it. Even if it isn't your parents or loves ones, go see a counselor. You don't want to do this alone.

As for telling people, the morality is as follows: Not telling the truth isn't the same as lying. If someone asks you and it isn't any of their business... just don't answer. I don't lie either, but it doesn't mean you have to tell any random person your private details.

I have spoken to my mom about it.

But she didn't even look upset. It confused me.

Her not being upset probably has a lot to do with the remorse for doing it that you are showing.

While it may be a coping strategy, it's not really all that great afterwards. Before you have an urge to do something like this again, I would think of something else you could do to help relieve stress, and instead of giving into that urge do your planned alternate activity instead.

I used to bang my head on the wall and dig my nails into my skin, but now I basically just clean like a maniac until I am exhausted or there is nothing more to clean.

[edit]And it this nosy guy asks if you are cutting just say something like "what? You don't like my gauntlets?" (feel free to prattle on "I got them at ...., they had red and pink but i really liked these ones.) That should send him on his way, either out of boredom or confusion.[/edit]

I hope things improve with you soon!

It's confusing to think about what a person should do to respond to another's self injurous behavior. A little insight into how we should be treating these people might be useful. My initial reaction to this behavior is to say that it's dumb and you need to just stop it. If we say and do nothing, that won't help and we may appear not to care. On the other hand, by giving attention to the behavior we may be reinforcing it. Could your mother's flat reaction to what you told her be a calculated move to avoid reinforcing your cutting behavior?

If ti makes you feel better, do it. Just don't get any tendons, big or important nerves, or big blood vessels. A friend of mine once did it all over but very light and someone at a crisis center asked if he tried to kill himself and he was so insulted; he would have done it much better than that if he wanted to kill himself. I know you need some outlet.

It's not a good, or bad thing. It's your body after all...take it how you will.

*Stares at left and right arms* Quite a few burn/cut scars now. I couldn't think of anything else at the time.

Just make sure those scars are something you won't regret.

Ana54, it made me feel worse. Much worse.

Bluesummers, I do regret it.

Which is why I made the desicion to get rid of the knife. It's somewhere else now. I don't know where - I gave it to my mom to put with the camping stuff or something.

Also, I actually showed the guy who I was talking about. He laughed.

Don't do it. Punch a pillow, rake the leaves, run; just don't cut yourself. Beside the exisiting possiblity that you'll slice a tendon or important vessel (Have you studied anatomy? Do you know how to avoid them?), your cut might get infected if not properly cleaned afterward. Outlets are important, but find a healthier one.

I cut through the first layer of skin in four places on my left wrist (didn't even bleed) because I was scared that my mother would lose her driver's license and I my only means of transportation (long story) about two weeks ago. It really should not be done, but the inclination is understandable.