Life isn't worth this struggle.

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When I used to think about death and dying, it was something I greatly wanted to avoid. Now, the more I think about it, the more it seems a better option than living, not to contribute to this planet, but just to use it's resources without giving anything back.

I've tried this supposed "great thing" called life, and it just hasn't worked out the way it was meant to. I was meant to contribute to society, live a relatively peaceful life and overall...actually want to improve on the things i'm bad at.
I never thought i was good at anything until today when I discovered my talent. The one thing i'm good at is failing. It's 100% true. I not only fail at tasks other people set me, but also tasks that I set for myself. Not only at tasks, but I fail to accept myself, to accept the world as it is and to follow by the so called "rules" that are completely messed up anyway. I've failed so much that I deserve an award for it! I've probably failed more times than a humming bird has fluttered it's wings throughout an average humming bird's life-time.

I have no ability to complete something. I start something and give up either immediately or half way through. It has been this was throughout my whole life-time, apparently I even gave up for a while on learning to walk! This photography course I started, supossedly for "beginners", I couldn't even get through the first tutoral of without sending everything back and asking for a refund. Yet a lot of teens these days can simply get through high school without many major dramas.
Failing, giving up, losing, surrendering...all things that I can do without pausing to think about it. But actually thinking of just ONE thing I like about myself is too hard. I can give compliments to anyone. I probably even could give one to a serial killer if I tried hard enough. But trying to compliment myself is more than impossible...I can't even comprehend why I would bother to try, because I am unworthy of any praise.

I think about what i've achieved compared to the average person my age...and it's minimal. So what?...I can describe the effects of neurotoxic snake venom...that wont make me pass high school. So what?...I can describe the way in which people are destroying their own planet...that wont make it stop!
My ideas are never listened to. Instead, I am put to the side and ignored when I speak about something that actually has a meaning to it! Sometimes I think I make the most sense out of everyone on the planet, like I can see what really lies beyond the buildings, the clothes, the money, the modern day trends...a whole lot of nothing! Or maybe i'm just cynical. Either way, I know that i'm right.

I used to joke about that one day, a mother alien ship would come and pick me up and take me back to my home planet. Actually...someone else made up this joke, but i used to joke about it as well. Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's really not a joke...but the truth of what needs to happen to me for me to succeed.
Ever since I was two, i've told many people that my mother "put light in my eyes and poked me with a metal stick".
The more I think about that scenario, the more I think of it as being an alien abduction.
Sure, that may sound a little crazy, but if i've been saying it since I was two years old and still remember the event clearly, then it must be the truth! I mean...I two year old wouldn't make up a story like that for the sake of it. There are many more details about this but too many to explain here.

I don't fit on this planet, it wasn't meant to be this way. I am meant to be somewhere else, I am sure of it!
Either way, i'm going to leave this planet soon as I just can't take it anymore! Everyday is a struggle. The memories of my past haunt me, while the present tortures me and the future of everything this planet has to offer worries me endlessly. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just take a weapon and end my life...i mean, is it because I have something i'm waiting for? Maybe i'm waiting for internal peace? Or for animal cruelty to be abolished? Or maybe I just can't rest eternally, until I know what needs to be done for every living thing to survive is definately done! I'm just guessing as I don't really know why i'm still here for.
People say that I over think, but they just don't think enough. They don't look beyond the superficialities of this world and see what is real and what is merely an illusion. True love? Forget it...that never happens. True happiness? Happiness is an emotion, a state of mind...It can't be "true" as everyone experiences it differently!

I just finished writing suicide notes to all of my online friends, even though i'm sure i'm not going to send them, I stare at them and wonder if I should. Then I think to myself...there must be something wrong for me to be thinking in this way. Then again, maybe I just see the truth in everything and maybe the truth isn't so great after all.
I don't know what the point to this post is. Whether it be as simple as to get these thoughts out of my head, or to get myself listened to for once in my life, i'm not sure. But what I am sure of is that no matter how much i write or say, I could always add much, much more, and still not be truly heard.

Please don't. Just keep persevering. If you know that much about snake venom, perhaps you can study to become a herpetologist of some kind? Or a zoologist?

I know that you love animals. I'm sure they can connect with you on so many levels... feeling ignored, tortured, uncared for. Maybe you were put here for them. They need an advocate. Maybe there's nobody here better for that than you.

You're an Aspie. We are resilient and powerful. We are the incarnation of persistance. Pick yourself up one more time. And again. And again. Life is about the pieces of happines along the way of struggle. In the end, I know you'll find peace.

- D

This would be an option, except i give up at everything i try to complete. I dropped out of high school when I was 14. It was not a smart choice, but not something that I can take back either. Ever since then i've been wasting my days on research that now seems pointless.
I've considered returning, but I would most likely be put in a class with 13 year olds. I am turning 17 this year...so with that, as well as my social issues, bullying would be doubled and I would most likely last no longer than a day before killing myself.

I've tried persevering MANY times...but I just can't seem to do it. I have so many "half achievements", but no complete ones.
Everything is hopeless in my life. I know that I have the potential to do something great in my mind...but when I try to explain something verbally it doesn't come out the way I planned. There for, I look like an idiot and get ignored or laughed at once again!
I've considered night school, but I would give up at that as well, so there's really no point in even trying and wasting my money.

You called life a struggle..
You wouldnt have said that unless
deep down you know its worth fighting for.
Fight harder.

For some of us, probably not.

I've failed everything in my life; high school twice, college...four times, I've never worked, I've never "made" a real friend in person.

I found her in one of those places where you cannot see anything; I saw nothing for me in this life, and sometimes, everything shows itself when you have nothing, if you're lucky that is.

If you live, everything might show, or it might not; with death, no one knows what that brings. Probably wiser to take the first option if you want a chance at something.

I don't know what I want [hence my rambled story]...whether it be a chance to do something great, or just to end the struggle as well as the chance by ending my whole life.
When I figure this out, I'll let you know.

As a fellow New Zealander I know there is help for you out there - I can PM a contact for you - whether or not your choice is to return to school really is up to you. You wouldn't have join with 13 year olds.
There are support systems - that should be able to help you. Let me know if you want a contact email address.

You can do anything.
You simply must believe and invest the effort. I'm not promising it will be easy in fact it will be very hard. Just keep trying though don't give up.

Brittany, you are a victim of a behaviorist society.


Can you forget your family for one minute and just think of something happy and stall all the bad stuff you need to get out and find some stimulation at all costs to others? You need to stop thinking about others, now. Those teens who can go thru Hs without major dramas usually have huge issues inside tha they don't tell anyone; they just leave it inside them to fester. Do you want to come here and get away from all that? Our place is always open to you


I feel the same too a lot. Is life all about being miserable and pretending everything is okay to make others feel okay for a little while? Is that my big role in life? Is that why I was put on this Earth? Is my God-given duty to end others' suffering by taking it all for myself? No, it's not, and when I see people like you, people like us, suffering like this because of this SICK behaviorist society, it makes me want to kill one of them for every life they took. It makes me want to blow up a building full of shallow behaviorist a**holes that kill deeper, more alive people who are better than them.


I'm still your friend if you want me to be btw. Talk to me whenever.

I used to think about suicide all the time too. Still do sometimes. When it gets to about an 8 out of 10 on my scale of "I'm doing it at 10", I call a crisis number, and some cops pick me up and put me in a safe place, no restraints, all voluntary. Call 911, or your local emergency number, when it gets to the point where you are writing notes. Call them when it gets like this, like a reflex, without making up reasons not to.

I stopped wanting to kill myself when I stopped seeing life through psychology eyes. When I stopped judging people worthy of extinction based on psychological "sins". When I stopped judging others, I stopped judging myself too. I got over it one hour at a time, of stopping the end, push back.

When the world's values are screwed up, hold onto the values you know deep in your heart you want to live for, and live by the good in your mind, not the rules of the world. Focus on what you love, and use that power to shove back the death on your mind.

No joke, when it gets where I have to push that hard, rspk happens. Look it up, pretty cool to pratice a wall of "you can't hurt me, I will not die" thoughts.

Oh believe me, I would if I could.
I just want to get away from everything...from expectations especially.

It's not that easy.
I live with my mother and step father. They would expect me to go to them about things like this before calling police. My parents think i'm completely fine. I can't talk to them about anything...actually, I can't talk to anyone in real life about this.

The last time I called the police for this reason, they locked me in a 6x6 room for 5 hours with no furniture while they waited for a psych to come and evaluate me. In the end, the psych gave me sleeping medication which I was allergic to! and sent me home back to the cause of my depression [my ex-step father]. I'm kind of hessitant of calling them again when i know i'm going to get locked in a small room then sent home hours later. It's kind of time-wasting for me really. Not that I haven't wasted enough time already, but i don't see how calling police will make my depression any better or suicidal thoughts go away.

You wish to escape expectations, but you're putting the same on yourself; doing great or killing yourself are two of the greatest of expectations. All choices are yours; a thing you cannot do due to having a disability doesn't make you less of a human, it makes you...human.

Saving an animal that cannot save itself is something great.

Can you study independently and take the G.E.D.?

I live in New Zealand and here we don't have that. I'm not even sure what there is here that is equivalent to the G.E.D.
Even if I could find something, I would not complete it and just end up with another "half achievement" so it doesn't really matter anyway i guess.