Totally lost it today.

Post Reply New Topic

I woke up once again feeling angry about being an unkissed virgin and how I don't want to be one of those "good Christian girls" and then I had to take my meds late because DR sent me for blood work and instructed me to wait to take them. I ended up eating Cake. Then my dad lost it on me for having headphones on and not listening. I had a huge meltdown. Then my phone broke so I was angry then my dad fixed it and that made me more mad bc I wanted a new one. Then I went running into my room screaming and howling like a banshee. Became non verbal and catatonic for hours and then began crying again. Began dong self injury stimming (slapping myself until my hands bleed), laughing hysterically and fantasizing about being a giant Hulk that could kill everyone in one swoop. Went online and found out some bad news about something. I'm still sick with a cold. I feel like there is nothing out there in the world for me. It is never going to get better. Now my parents are pissed because I didn't go in to do my volunteering today. I am going to start a job soon and I am very unstable and the only reason why I want school or a job is not because I like it but because I want to get away from my family just for the sole reason that I want to have sex and not be a virgin. I wish there was a way for me to make myself not a virgin and that masturbation would count because I don't want to follow church teaching that I was raised in. I also fear that when I work I will use the money to skip town and find random people to f**k because that's all I care about. I hate myself. I also feel that I will sexually harass customers or coworkers because I have no impulse control. I feel I might use my money to run away on a whim because I hate my life. I went into by room and covered a journal in derogatory language in ink that was spilled from breaking my pen. I feel like I am losing control. I am back on meds but nothing will make me normal. Nothing will make me love myself. I just want to disappear and die and take the whole world down with me.

Having sex isn't that much of a sin. God will forgive you. Just make sure your parents don't find out and you will be fine.

If you don't want to be a "good Christian girl," stop worrying about virginity. Warped, obsessive ideas about virginity is a part of Christianity, and it is a very unhealthy way to think of your body. Your body is not some sort of object to be used certain ways to symbolize certain things.

Go for sex (or kisses) when you are physically and emotionally passionate about it for it's own sake, not just to avoid being a "good Christian girl." Trust me, random and/or spontaneous intimacy can be physically and socially awkward or even dangerous, and leave you with bad memories too.

hugs.
thats a lot hmm

think you should save sex for someone who cares about you not just to lose your virgnitity, bet you could find someone here. I had sex to have it and i regret it.

confused you just want to lose your virginity to not be christian?
the part about mastubation not counting etc. that depends there's physical and non physical virginity. the first you could lose with mastubating. I hope you don't go sleep with random strangers. they probably won't' treat you right or care about your well being.

maybe you can save from job to buy new phone?

normal people suck.

please don't kill me in one swoop <o.o>

Wow... not really sure I'm on the right tangent but here goes; being horny is far and away one of the least dangerous things to lose one's mind over. I'm unfortunately familiar with quite a lot of insidious nonsense that can hurt people's sense of self entirely too much more than just sexuality. Although I was raised rather secular, I can trace roots through a lot of Christianity and then farther back. I strongly recommend you do the same. Case in point, right now I'm listening to Gaulish folk metal I discovered in a thread on here, and I can't believe how much it resonated in my head, I'm probably something like 16% Swiss pagan by blood. My maternal grandparents visit the Alps as often as they're able. Music is unmatched for helping people to discover what's really going on in our bodies and minds. Your dad was 100% wrong to complain about eating cake with headphones! I'm going to back up sly and say for lack of a better mantra that I believe everyone should live at their own pace. Sin for example is not simply a Christian or even Abrahamic idea. It took ages before any girls kissed me and for quite some time to be honest that really shook me to the core. I certainly was hardly any younger than you.

Getting away from stifling family environments is another impulse entirely. There hasn't been much love in my house since I was all of four years old, save for when I used to throw parties. Your friends would be very fortunate were you to think of them as family too.

I don't want to fall in love or have relationship. It is also important to me that first partner think I'm experienced and not a virgin so they won't think I find them special. That is why I am always reading explicit sexual material and learning about sex acts and positions in detail. I don't want to be old when those things happen. I wish I had gone with whoever at a young age instead of waiting on a guy I really liked who was too childish for sex things and now he is a jerk and won't talk to me. I feel that he ruined a normal teenage years for me. Also I identified as a sexual when I was in school but after graduating I discovered I am bisexual. I would not mind having a woman as first partner so long as I can still be a non virgin being with a woman.
P

I just don't understand the problem with being a virgin. I wish, in a way, that I could "start over" again.

You want sex, but you don't want love.

I guess that could be obtained easily--but it's a dangerous game.

Nothing wrong with having fantasies. It becomes a problem when it interferes with you obtaining success in life.

So...you don't wanna be a virgin the first time you do it (with either gender).

You refuse to have sex UNTIL you are sexually experienced! Lol!

And...you probably don't wanna get a job until you have had work experience. And you don't want to go near the water until you know how to swim. And you don't wanna walk until you already know how to run. And you don't wanna touch a violin until you become a virtuoso, and..... Lol!

Hilarious!

Okay...you see yourself as being a "bad girl", and not as being a christian goody two shoes virgin type.
But you can't live up to your chosen identity because - you ARE still a virgin. Have I got it right?

So you have this need to loose your virginity just for appearence sake.

But you dont want to "fall in love, or have a relationship", but you are also not into picking up strangers. So you have no way curing yourself of your virginity via heterosexual sex.

But the good news is that you have bi tendencies, and are willing to be with another woman. BUT...even with your future first time with another woman you want to-somehow-get into a time machine and somehow "become experienced" for your first time -even with another woman! Again asking the impossible of yourself.

As Kraftie said "you want sex, but not love", but on top of that you don't seemed to really want sex either. You just wanna be cool, or something.




Seems to me that you should just make up your mind.
Either accept that you are virgin, and be a spinster.

Or start dating like a normal person, and take the gamble that either sex, or love, or both, might happen. But dont try to force either to happen.

No. I want to seem experienced so the person won't know I'm a virgin. Which is why I took the steps of watching porn, reading about detailed sex, and practicing various sexual activities with toys so I will know how to do said activities. I don't need a time machine. I just wouldn't want to fumble around and make it obvious. Like I would want them to think that I've probably done it at least once before. Because I am embarrassed at being 19 and not had sex. I wish I had been age 16-17 like the national average. So I do want sex but not love because I don't want a partner interfering in my career goals and my desire to leave the state or country as soon as I can.

What state or country do you want to move to? Maybe you should move there first and live out on your own so you are free to explore a little bit more without family interfering

Why do you care about what this person will think if you won't love the person and won't be loved by this person?



Did you have fun with those activities? It seems like you are what you don't want to be: a good Christian girl. You are obsessed with virginity and you approach sex like a job rather than a source of pleasure and passion. You may have learned those attitudes from some other source, but they are definitely things that Christians teach their adolescents.

I'm not a good Christian girl, I do enjoy masturbation and fantasies, using toys, etc. I don't believe that virginity is important, I just know that other people do and I worry a lot of what people think of me because I am desperate for friends, I have none, it's because of my aspergers.

You know, a lot of people will say things like a "good Christian girl" doesn't like those things and shouldn't do or like those things and all that crap, but that's a very very large misunderstanding. Sex is all over The Bible. Seriously, there is an entire book on it (Song of Songs) which is really risqué, if you can understand how it's written. Sex is not just there either it's everywhere. Want to read some incest, hey it's there. Want some warriors going to their wives for some passionate nights before battle, it's there too. Seduction, prostitutes, masturbation, it's all there. There's a lot, you just have to look for it.

Not to burst your bubble, but it's not a sin to have sex and enjoy it. What is a sin is when you f**k with what it symbolizes (not exactly but this is the best way to explain). The only reason virginity is important (the real reason) is becuase sex symbolizes God's (the male) union with the church (the female). That's why it is perceived as important. Same reason for why homosexuality and whatever else that isn't heterosexuality is frowned upon becuase it messes with that symbol. People just get all stupid about it and skew everything like they usually do. Seriously, according to The Bible as long as you're married you can have the dirtiest, wildest, mind-blowing, whatever adjectives here kind of sex with your partner as often as you'd like. Whether you believe it or not, it's up to you and you can do whatever you want, just be responsible when you do it.
So enjoying masturbation, fantasies, what have you doesn't make you a 'bad girl'. Maybe to your parents or friends or other people it does, but in the real scheme of things if you 'do it wrong' all it does is 'make you a sinner' (which I guess is a 'bad girl' but probably not in the way you meant) but if you believe you're one already. People have sex before marriage all the time, and if you believe then those people are forgiven and it don't really matter anyway. As others have pointed out I think, you're kinda chasing stuff that doesn't need to be chased if that makes sense.

As for the experience stuff, the only way you're going to get good at it for other people is by going out and doing it. You can read about riding a bike all you want, and while it does help, it's not the same as being there actually riding a bike. You do whatever it is you want to do. Just don't be dumb about it. The last things you need are heartbreak, other social crap, and STD's or whatever the hell they're called nowadays since they keep changing the name.

Thats what I said!! !! !

Its same thing.

You want to be experienced without being experienced. Its a total contradiction.

Either go out and get experience. Or be celibate.

Okay- a little learning some "theory" from skin flicks may help, but you still gotta get wet to learn to how to swim. So either take the plunge, or dont take the plunge.


But further- why does it matter to you to that someone "knows" you're "a virgin"?



Do you mean the guy you're with when you finally do it?

If a guy gets a girl to go to bed with him - the fact that you're there in bed with him- makes you great.

He is not gonna care a damn how experienced you are ( it doesnt have anything to do with his opinion of you).

And if you dont want a relationship anyway then what difference does it make what he thinks of you anyway?

Ugh. Last thing I wanted was religious nuts on here. I do t believe it's sinful. And it's not like riding a bike. Sex is pretty straightforward compared with riding a bike. Nerds Google sex things all the time. Just watch bbt.

Kinda weird since you bring up religion as some kind of factor for you. Regardless it was information sharing and just becuase I shared information that corresponded with religion, specifically Christianity, doesn't make me a religious nut. Had I shared information on another religion, perhaps Hinduism (they too have a sex manual), I highly doubt "religious nut" would've been on here.


That's fine. I said alone it isn't considered sinful. If you didn't get that, I don't know what to tell you.


It was an analogy.