I want the courage to take my life

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The OCD and eating issues are so out of control now, I don';t know how to stop, I am just too foggy to change my thinking and rationalise, to me right now, I am worth nothing unless I look thin and am light and weightless, I hate anything that reminds me I have weight.

A creaking chair... I will even smash something against a wall and then in my mind, I will blame it breaking on my weight.
My mind finds any means to blame everything on my being heavy.
I am on and off the scales with everything I eat and drink.

I hate myself so much.
I really hate myself, I spend every night wanting to obliterate myself and smash myself to piece, and no-one can help me, nothing helps.

I hear you. And I feel for you.


You probably need to look into seeing someone who can help you with this. If you have tried and this hasn't helped before, then find someone new who is better.

Get rid of the scale. It is hurting you. You know it's irrational, and you don't deserve this.

I think what you need is for someone who is brutally honest tell you what they think of your weight.. I think you will be surprised
I hope Im not bringing up something too personal, but remember that guy you dated(ing?). Him telling you his feelings for you should be enough to stop you from hurting yourself, cause he cares about you and is honest.
(Ill be brutally honest here, being skinny isnt what makes someone attractive, and wasting good life isnt worth it just cause ya got some meat on your bones ) eating to satisfactory isnt deserving of death.. Its just a fact of life.

Graelwyn-

Is there any way you can enter a hospital program to get help? It sounds like you are at your wit's end and at the end of your personal resources. I know it's may not sound like the greatest answer, but if you have a doc, tell him or her it's time to consider going into a hospital program, and if you've been before, that you need to go again.

These are serious issues, and it sounds like you need to be in a safe place where you can be taken care of.

Metta and karuna, Rjaye.

Another serious topic

I feel really bad that a young intelligent person as yourself would want to find the courage to do something that is irreversible.

Eating disorders run a vicious circle. This is also an illness. Is there not some medical intervention that could help you, if you have exhausted all other possibilities?

I hope you do not live alone and look at four walls all day. This is cruel. People need a change of scenery, even if they do not socialize.

I do not take meds, but some meds can increase appetite. Could you look into this?

You are an intelligent woman. I have read many of your posts. Please stay with us. I know the winter is long, but spring is coming.

Like Nannarob has written, DON'T EVER GIVE UP.

I do live alone, and I do not know anyone here really.
I am ok when I am out, but as sooin as I am back in my apt, it all starts again.
I obsess and obsess and it compulsive and meanwhile I am not getting any pleasure in life, I have all my books and my DS games I keep buyng but all my time is taken up with the obsessions, and no matter hiw I rationalise in the daytime, it all takes over when I am back in the apt.

Im going insane here, ive broken things and I scream and rage and hurt myself as I dont seem able to stop these compulsions.
Where is the intelligence in that?
I dont even know what has triggered all of this.

A continuing topic

I live in Barrie, Ontario, Canada. I suspect you do not live physically close to me. But I feel close to people here at WP, even if only by computer. I would never have known about you had it not been for the internet.

People get mad and throw stuff. Sometimes you just have to get it out. This is a good thing.I have smashed things before. You sound like you have a lot of energy. This is good, too.
Could you go somewhere for a little while? There must be a woman's shelter or something. We have these in Canada. I am sure they have them all over the world.

I think one member suggested the hospital. I know I was assisted 36 years ago to some extent. Care has improved, and there will be better qualified staff.

I know the seasons can do this. When I look outside all I see is snow. We have had seven feet of snow this winter!

What kinds of games do you like? I am sort of boring. I like Scrabble and solitaire. Pinball is fun too. And I like to listen to some music I have stored on my computer. Do you like to read? What sorts of things do you collect?

I like scrabble too and have it for my DS.
I also like fantasy roleplaying computer games for escapism and I like Chess.

I cannot focus on reading as my concentration is so poor, but I used to read a lot when younger and I have a lot of books, I like things on serial killers, psychology, spirituality and historical areas lke the holocaust and the Tudor period.

I have collected many things, from vintage cameras to antique dolls , from marbles to buttons.
Currently I seem to be amassing a lot of handheld console games. An OCD thing I suppose. I rarely get time to play them because of my current issues taking all my time.

I know nothing of womens shelters.
I have thus far missed appointments with a osychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar and OCD. I am against medications as the anti psychotics have very bad side effects.
I also dont like telling any doctor about these issues im having as it makes me feel inferior and weak that I cannot control my own mind.

Everything is setting me off tonight.
Just the material of my clothing resting on my legs has me crying and shifting about and getting angry,

I just dont comprehend what is wrong and why I have hit this point.

I don't think it's about courage, I think it's hope that one holds onto; when one has nothing to wish for, hope for, that's when one murders others in frustration, and/or kill themselves.

A lack of happiness now doesn't equate to the same tomorrow; this is why I held onto life, and a little luck too.

I can relate to how you feel, Graelwyn. I've tried meds for OCD/depression/anxiety and have had terrible side effects. As far as feeling inferior/weak when talking to doctors about these issues, I understand that also. ("Been there, done that"... several times over.)

Would you mind if I shared a few ideas with you?
It might help if you talked to someone about how you're feeling now, maybe a good friend, a relative or someone you trust? If you feel stuck and can't talk to others who are close to you, what about calling a local crisis line? (I've done that before and have usually received some valuable insight, along with reassurance, during difficult times.) Another thing came to mind: do you like to write, do anything artistically, sing or play a musical instrument? If so, venting your feelings creatively may give you the release you need while creating something tangible (like a work of art, a poem, a song, etc) in the process. (These things have worked for me, also.)

These are just a few ideas... I hope they might be helpful to you. (I don't want to overload you with ideas, as I do have a tendency to monologue.)

Just want you to know that you're not alone with your feelings. I've felt the way you do... and I'm sure others here at WP have gone through similar experiences. Please don't do anything impulsive or hurt yourself. Life isn't as hopeless as it may seem at the moment. You will get through this and you will feel better when the difficult time passes.

It has just been such a bad day for me.

And I hate talking about it, as the dregs of my rational mind can see how utterly insane it sounds.

I feel the material in my clothing...to see if ive stretched it too thin...
Then tonight, I went mad because my secondhand exercise cycle is getting a little noisy.

I then spent the best part of 3 hours, glued to my mirror, studying my backside, which is actually quite draining if you consider you have to strain to see that in the mirror, interspersed with self beatings and crying because I couldn't stop looking, I couldn't see something that would settle my mind and let me lay down on my laptop and relax for the rest of the evening.

I do not know what is triggering it as Ive only had one incident of it this severe and I ended up in hospital, forced to stay in, which actually made it worse.
I am very sensitive to stress. I had some very stressful things happen late last year and I am guessing they have affected me worse than id imagined.

Before, I got into an obsession with doctor who which stopped my body obsession.
This time, I cannot seem to break free and the frustration and rage at it causes me to beat myself badly and break things.

I want so badly to not feel this way. It has been going on for months now and apart from my online bf, I havent talked of it with anyone else.. no one else I can tell.

I do write, I love books, I love games, but I cannot seem to tear myself away from the compulsion to check my body before I let myself settle down.

I threw my mirror out... the ocd has moved to my clothing and adjusting it all the time so it does not sit against my skin.

Ive not eaten because I am too scared to get up and have to go through the whole effort to get settled again.

I feel so sorry for the person who loves me as altho he is partly to blame for this, I am a nightmare to try and deal with right now, even if it is only on the net.

Talk is free topic

Graelwyn, I am so glad you are telling me and everybody else about how you feel. This is good to share.

Sorry I did not get right back right to you away as I had to go to sleep.

We have somethings in common. You are interested in the Tudor period? The Elizabeth movies are good, and there have been some documentaries and series on TV.

I think there are other members who do this too.

I collect locks and keys. I wear a big wad of lkeys and key chains from a right hand belt loop so they kind of bounce against my right leg when I walk. I am a little eccentric. Noisy too. Dogs bark when I walk by!

I know it is hard to read when you are preoccupied with sensory issues, OCD and all that. Sometimes I feel as if my skin is crawling, too.

Could you get a real bike and go outside and ride it? Here in Barrie there is too much snow right now, for me to ride my bike! Bike riding is fun!

Yes, getting some exercise outside might be a good idea - if you can go somewhere beautiful where you will be alone and just walk/cycle/jog - it will make you feel better because of the endorphins produced, the environment (not being stuck in your flat) and do your body good at the same time.

I empathise with you not wanting to take medications - antipsychotics can have horrible effects, but there are some newer ones that might be OK for you if you take them in really low doses (im going to sound like Im advertising Abilify soon because I keep saying how good it is taken at 5mg per day - no side effects except initial nausea and how it relaxes, makes my thoughts less obsessive and gives me better concentration).

I really think that you have got yourself into a bit of a rut and its very difficult to get out of without outside help, so I would advise you to try to see someone if you can.

I used to walk an hour a day before the weather here in the Uk turned.
We have a large common with lakes and woods and I love it there.

I am going to try and see someone but I am worried in case they diagnose something worse than bipolar, OCD etc etc, like schizophrenia. Someone today asked me if I have that, and I am fairly sure I do not.
I only get this severe when under stress and am grounded in reality the rest of the time.

I am battling to not get another large mirror. I only have a small one now, though I have been shifting that around to check I have not got fat between last night and tonight.

Some nights, I seem to have such issues with comfort. I lay on the floor on my laptop, with a quilt over me usually, but some nights, the feel of my clothing on my back etc, seems to set me off into this massive irritable rage. I do not know why.
And of course, I associate it with being fat...how stupid is that?

I feel bad with having had to deal with the mirror issue by throwing out the mirror... it makes me feel as if I am weak willed and am running away from the issue rather than learning to accept my body.

But right now, it is just too destructive to me.

Graelwyn, I saw pictures of you and I thought you were underweight, and it really showed that you did not like to eat and had been even thinner (if that's possible) in the past.


You don't have to kill yourself; you can stay arounbd and we can feel guilty together about taking up space!


Or rather, togethr we can hate and give hell to anyone who calls us useless eaters or ugly and fat and offending to people's eyes or to the decor, or whatever. Because it isn't true. At least for you it isn't. I'm overweight and it shows in my pictures.

Hi Ana.
Heh, yes, I do like a waste of space at times... I have yet to achieve anything that is to me of note.
Others have named my caring and the way I have changed people I have met, but to me that is not an achievement...and to others it isn't achievement.

Achievement is writing a book, or earning a good living, being self sufficient and I have yet to achieve any of those.

I am bordering on underweight now according to the charts. But I do not feel it as my wretched wide hips prevent me from getting into the smaller sizes.

I have a friend , sort of friend, who is very overweight but it doesn't bother me. In other people, I don't care really what size they are once I know them although I must admit I find obesity unattractive.

It is just me... this desire to be so small I am hardly there. To be fragile.

It is sad, but nothing makes me happier, currently, than when I see my ribs sticking out and my spine and the fact my thighs don't join.

I said originally that I would be happy at 133 ibs (9 and half stone).
But I am now 129 and want to be 119.

I promised my bf that I would not go below 128, but I don't see how I can keep that promise when I am so unhappy.

Heh, feel free to pm me, Ana, I have noticed some stuff we have in common in your recent posts.